Two Sides of the Same...

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing, but I won’t. I know how upset you become when asked to explain yourself. I always wondered why that is. Do you have something to hide I should know about. I could help if you need it, and you would let me.”

“Why do you always assume I have done something or am about to do something disagreeable? I don’t think I’m that kind of person, do you?”

Our relationship has always been like that; rocky would best describe it. Different sides of the same…

I hadn’t realized how different we really were until we were about three maybe four years old. His temper was pronounced. We were playing in the snow outside, winter, must have been January because Christmas was over. I remember that because the ski pole that came with the skis from Santa, ended up sticking out of the side of the garage.

I of course was blamed. I was blamed for everything. It was my fault really for not being more aggressive in defending myself. I’d let him get away with it because, to tell you the truth, I was rather afraid of him. When he got this look on his face it terrified me. I knew he was capable of anything, including…Well  he had a different sense of morality than I did. He acted as though he were the only one that mattered. If I was to continue to allow him to lead without objection, he was more than happy to comply.

I realized after many of the episodes that became disasters as far as I was concerned, that he had an entirely different set of values than I did. The pain and suffering that bothered me, didn’t seem to phase him. I felt an empathy for those subjected to his vindictiveness, where as he seemed immune to the obvious repercussions that would follow.

I attempted to point out his lack of empathy; he just laughed. He said, “Empathy was a delusional tool, used by those who were afraid of recognizing the apathy that was harbored in the recesses of their souls, but were too cowardly to admit it.”

At times I had no idea what he meant. I am apathetic about some things, but I don’t see how it is possible to go through life and not gain from the experiences that bring all humans closer; be on the same page. If you can’t appreciate another’s reaction to a situation, the joy or pain, then who are you? What have you become?

I began to realize his emotions were, if not subdued, possibly did not register events in the same manner as my own. I remember the previous summer when we found a bird that had fallen from its nest. I wanted to help it, put it back. He said we needed to kill it as that would be the best thing to do as far as the bird was concerned. He went into a liturgy about the inability of a bird to survive after being subjected to human involvement, and how attempting to help it would only prolong the inevitable suffering.

I understood the rationalization, but his reaction was calculated. Hid emotional attachment to the idea of help was not there. He only saw the black and white. The chance of hope did not exist in his calculation.

I began to realize that if I were injured, his response would not be to help, but to analyze the situation to determine if help was the correct option. How badly was I injured? Would I be left disfigured or incapable of leading, what he would consider, a normal life. I began to feel there was something wrong with me. I would not have thought of any of those things. Whether the consequences of my help would leave someone impaired would never enter my consideration for providing aid.

I asked him what he would do if we saw someone about to commit a crime, possibly a deadly one. What would he do. His response was nothing like my own. Where as I feel I have an obligation to provide aid that would possibly prevent some tragedy, his reaction was totally the opposite.

“I would do nothing. What is the point of becoming involved in something that you can predict the outcome of. Instead of having one victim, you would have two, possibly three, had you continued to tag along. What would be the benefit to me, you, society in general.”

His rationalization of the situation was of course superficially correct, but left the possibility that by injecting ourselves into the situation, we may have changed the outcome.

The more I thought about his reaction to almost everything, I began to find his explanations logical, but lacking in emotional attachment. I could not believe it possible to stand by and analyze every situation to determine what I determined the outcome to be, without having some emotional attachment to it. 

When I see litter on the street, my first impulse is to condemn the behavior.  Litter represents a disrespect for my community. My next reaction would be to pick it up. I asked him, what his reaction would be. Not surprisingly, he expected those in charge of keeping the city clean to take care of the problem. 

“So, the problem is not our problem. Is it only the problem of those we pay to amend the problem? Do we not have a responsibility to participate in the solution, by preventing the problem in the first place?”

“There are people who do not consider the consequences of their actions as they do not have the same attachment to people or places that you apparently do. It is not an evil impulse exhibited on their part, but a lack of awareness. It may never occur to them that their actions are an affront to your ideals about a community or how people perceive it. It simply does not cross their mind.”

“What can I get you… Need more time? The special for today is lasagna. It’s quite good.” 

“What do you think?”

“Why do you always want to know what I think. You do what you want anyway. And just once, I wish you would listen to me.”

“But I do listen to you. I just don’t agree. That is why we have this deliberation every time you get one of your feelings.”

“Let me ask you this. If I am me, and you are you. And I am you and you are me. Then who are we? And have you noticed; it is always about you.”

“Yes, and I know the special has meat in it and how bad that is for the environment. But I’m just hungry, and don’t really care.  Why don’t we just agree, it is, just about me. Bye!”