Retreat

I needed time off technology and, consequently, human society. I needed to stay away from people but, I cannot remember why. It’s winter now and I am alone. I hear the wolves, or maybe it’s just one, but I am alone in this cabin. Did I mention that it’s winter and it’s cold? I cannot remember; I get confused sometimes.

I came here in autumn. I was meant to stay for a couple of weeks. I don’t know why I am still here. Alone. I can hear the wolves sometimes. I think they are wolves. Or maybe it’s just one.

I came here, away from everyone and from any means to reach anyone because I needed time in my head. I wanted to be isolated enough to meditate. I wanted to do it alone, without other people telling me how long I need to keep my legs crossed. Or something like that. I am not sure what I meant to find in my head. I wanted to spend time in my head. I see chaos there and not even my breath can hold it.

Someone or something brings me food. Every morning I find food outside my cabin. It’s cooked food. It lasts me the entire day as I don’t need much. I had pizza yesterday. A steak two days ago. Or was it last week? I don’t have a watch either because I wanted to be free of time, but I have lost track of it. Of time, I mean. I decided too late to take note of the passing of days and nights, so I don’t know when is now. I know it’s winter because it’s cold and there is snow. And I hear the wolves. Or maybe it’s only one. But I don’t know whether it’s because of winter. I hear the wolf scratching on my door. Sometimes I hear the wolf mewling.

There was no food yesterday outside the cabin. No food today. The wolves are less loud. Maybe it’s because there’s really only one today. I can hear the wolf crying. I think it’s a wolf, but I can hear a strange coughing sound. Do wolves cough? They must, because I haven’t heard or seen a human in what I believe are months. I do not understand. All I know is that it’s cold outside and the snow is quiet.

No food again today, I don’t know whether to venture further outside the cabin or not. I have finished any food leftovers. There is nothing left of the leftovers. I meditate and meditate to stave off the hunger. But I am not a monk, I don’t have that motivation. Maybe I thought I had, but I don’t have it, I know now. I feel my brain in my stomach or my stomach is my brain now, because there is only one thing I can think of. So I meditate. I heard something knocking on my door, but I don’t dare open my eyes in case it is real. Night is coming because it’s dark outside, but I don’t know if I’ll sleep.

I hear a noise. I wake up. Someone is banging on the door. Am I asleep? Should I go back to sleep. But someone keeps knocking. There is a voice too: ‘Kevin, please.’ The voice turns into a horrible cough. ‘Kevin, please, I know you needed this. But I need you now. I need help. Come back home, please. I can barely stand, I have a fever and this cough won’t go. Come back home, I need you.’ The voice turns into a horrible sob. I crawl to the door. I put my ear to it. I hear the woman sobbing. It’s louder here, so close to the door. I stand and open the door. She is all covered up. I can barely see her face. ‘Thank God, Kevin, I miss you so much, please come back home.’ She holds my hand, she pulls me. I follow her.

I am barely aware that I am following her in the cold wearing only my PJ’s. I am barely aware because I keep wondering who this woman is. Am I Kevin? I don’t remember I was a Kevin. I don’t feel like a Kevin. And there is something even stranger. I look around me and the forest is not really a forest. It’s more like a garden with a few trees. And just a few feet away I realise it doesn’t matter I have only my PJ’s on, because  there is a house. It must be this woman’s house.

We enter and it’s warm and cosy. I haven’t put two steps in that a dog jumps at me. It’s big, as tall as me and the dog has a tongue that is warm on my face. ‘Archie has missed you too,’ the woman says. And again that horrible cough that seems to break her. I don’t know why this dog has missed me. But while I stroke its strong head I look at him and he looks somehow familiar. I have seen this dog before.

In the meantime the woman has taken some layers off. I can see her face now and somehow I know this woman, I know her as someone I have met a long time ago. Do I have feelings for her? Like the feelings a husband has for his wife? ‘Kevin, come to bed with me, hold me, I cannot do this anymore. Hold me, please. Come to bed and hold me.’

She takes my hand again. She drags me to her bedroom. She gets into bed and shivers. I follow her because I don’t know what else to do. I can feel the heat coming off her body. The room smells of medicine. I decide to hold her, because I don’t know what else to do. This feeling so familiar. I hear her sob again. She is shaking. ‘It’s okay, Vanessa,’ I say. ‘It’s okay, I am here now. I don’t even know why I went away: I have everything here.’