“No! No! No! I’m too young to be a husband! I’m only in elementary school!" I shouted to my “wife” Ema, the pig.
Yes, a pig… Not even another human being, a pig.
When I was in elementary school, my class was learning about health and how babies are produced. We had only learned a tiny bit before the school year ended. From what I had gathered, in order to produce a human, it only took two people sleeping together.
As a child I lived on the farm, I had plenty of friends and we loved to play hide and seek. Once, I decided to hide below some hay bales. It was exceedingly hard to spot the lump in the hay that was me. No one could find me and I kept hiding there. I was getting really excited! No one was going to find me, I would most definitely win the game! It turns out hiding there was a horrible mistake. After 10 minutes, I started getting sleepy. I woke up after half an hour when the seeker finally found me, and to my surprise Ema was sleeping in the hay right beside me. I didn’t know how interbreeding between different species works, but I got worried. The next week, I heard from my dad that Ema got pregnant…
I cried for a few nights before realizing that there was nothing I could do but help my babies grow. I would sneak Ema food each day and I made sure Ema was healthy. I remember one time when Ema stopped eating, not breakfast, lunch or dinner and I got very worried. I told my parents but they didn’t seem too worried. As the days passed, Ema still wasn’t eating and we all got more worried. My parents were going to bring her to the vet and I begged them to let me go with them. They were very confused because I never want to go to the vet with them! I can’t tell them I have a wife, how would they react! But, I had to go and I begged them, they finally said yes. We brought Ema to the vet who said Ema had somehow swallowed an avocado pit and it was blocking up her esophagus. Luckily for us, the vet was able to get it out using some tools. When I heard about the avocado pit, I was horrified, because I realized when I was feeding Ema I might’ve gone a bit overboard and gave her a whole avocado, or two, or maybe three, so it might be my fault that I nearly killed my wife.
Luckily for me, there were no more incidents before the final day came. The last day! The end of the waiting! Ema was giving birth! I pretended to fall asleep but I secretly was awake waiting for my babies to be born. I heard Ema’s shrieking ring throughout our house, it sounded horrible, I’m so lucky I’ll never have to give birth.
The babies looked so cute! I counted ten of them. I knew they were mine from the second I saw them, wigging pink bundles, they looked just like me!
But, just three months later disaster struck. I was drawing that day, I remember it very clearly. I overheard my scheming parents talking about selling my children! I immediately stopped drawing and ran outside where I looked for all my children. After I found all ten of them, not missing a single one like a good father, I brought them with me to the top of a mountain, in a cave so no one could find me. I fed them quite a bit right after they stopped eating milk. Of course this time I learned my lesson, no more avocados. Certainly I wasn’t going to give them any avocados. But I still fed them lots of other foods, which meant they were plump and chubby, easily able to survive without eating for a day or two.
We were getting ready to sleep in a cave that night when it started pouring, and I mean pouring, there was so much water falling from the sky it was like taking a shower! I took my children to the cave, but I left Ema on purpose as I found something very worrying. Ema was cheating on me! I saw her, sleeping in the pigpen with another pig, leaving me with no choice but to leave her there. As the night went on, we heard wolves howling and I got very scared. I wanted to go home but I was worried I would get eaten by the wolves.
Luckily for me, my parents formed a mini search crew the second they realized I was gone. The crew was now going through the mountains until they finally found me at dusk. I was asleep by them and they must’ve carried me to my bed, because the next thing I know, I woke up in bed and my dad walked in to give me my lunch, which was some pork chops and rice. My dad wasn’t really mad at me which was strange, but I was happy for that so I didn’t say anything. I finished all my food, got dressed and found out downstairs there was a feast, to everyone who helped rescue me.
I snuck some food out and I went to the pigpen to check on my children, but I couldn’t find them. So I ran to my dad and asked him where the piglets were. My dad said he sold five of them, gave away four and cooked one for the celebration. I was horrified! I started shouting at him, “Those are your grandchildren!” and I wanted to slap him, but he just grounded me for a whole year and told me to be quiet. But, he still got the gist of my shouting / swearing. He told me to finish my health book and he was laughing the whole time I was reading. I read through the book page by page slowly realizing how babies are actually made. At the end of the book, I found it hard to believe that just a few hours ago I thought making a baby was as easy as sleeping together.
I apologized a million times to my dad and he was very amused. Now whenever I’m reminded of this story I always go to a restaurant and order some pork chops. Mmm, a father always knows what their children taste like.