Some Like It Cold

David came from a long line of Rom-com protagonists. His parents had met on a blind date not realizing that his father was a corporate lawyer working for the multinational that was trying to buyout his mother’s quirky little bookshop so they could build high-rise apartments. Needless to say high jinks ensued, hearts were warmed, and David had spent his adolescent summers working at his parents bookshop.

His grandmother had been best friends with his grandfather and had even agreed to be the “best man” at his wedding before they realised, they were meant to be together. Frankly David had always felt anxious just thinking about calling off a wedding on the day to elope with a member of the bridal party, but he was assured that it was in fact a very funny situation.

How his great grandparents had got together had largely been lost to the sands of time but from everyone’s vague recollections it involved disguises, miscommunications a plenty, temporary amnesia, and ultimately happy ever afters.

David was determined to put an end to it. He was a serious and practical man who didn’t enjoy the genres of romance or comedies let alone the two combined. It appeared the universe, however, had other ideas. For as long as David could remember situations heavy with romantic and comedic potential would gravitate to him. Maybe “to him” wasn’t even the right phrase, sometimes he found his own instincts and compulsions, if left unchecked, would have him racing to catch someone at the airport before he got a grip on himself.

Over the years he had become disciplined and learnt techniques that helped keep him centered in boring reality. No bets of any kind was a lesson he learnt early on. Something about the element of chance in a bet of any kind was an invitation for destiny to come rushing in. He avoided weddings as much as he could, they were an absolute minefield. Holidays as well could be very dangerous for someone like him but could be navigated if you were careful. The key was avoiding extremes. If you could make every aspect of your life average in everyway, the most normal it could be, then hilarious shenanigans were a lot less likely to spontaneously occur.

David’s job for example, if he had become a baker he’d be dodging funny sexy scenarios everyday, he was sure of that. Do you know how many cute interactions can occur in a bakery? It’s disgusting. But a rookie move would be to go in the opposite direction and become a soulless investment banker or something like that, work long hours and become obsessed with climbing the corporate ladder. It might seem like you’ve inoculated yourself from romantic comedy but far from it, every happy-go-lucky-stop-and-smell-the-flowers-and-teach-you-the-joy-of-living girl in a twenty-mile radius is going to be drawn to you like you’re an ice cream truck on a sunny day. No David had been smart, he was a financial consultant in a medium sized company. He worked mostly nine to five with the occasional overtime here and there. He didn’t like his job but he didn’t hate it either. Good luck getting your narrative hooks into that universe.

It wasn’t that David was a celibate monk or anything. He was human like everyone else and he wanted to date, but on his terms. Obviously, setups were a big no, that was an absolute guarantee for love and laughs. He avoided plain girls who wore glasses and kept their hair tied up, nine out of ten would turn up to the date with the hair down, glasses gone and suddenly everything would be out of focus in slow motion with a catchy 90s hit in the background.

There was a woman, Nancy, in David’s office that he was thinking about asking out. He knew a little bit about her and everything seemed perfectly safe and normal so far. She worked in the accounts department, she had a dog which was a perfectly normal pet, and it was just one dog as well. That had caught David out before, one girl he had dated had said she’d loved dogs and had a few of her own. He hadn’t thought anything of it until he went back to hers and found what could only be described as a pack of feral dogs in her small apartment. No doubt the ninety minute summary of their life together would have been called something generic like “Puppy Love” or “The Ruff and The Smooth”. He got out of there so fast he’d been out of breath.

Opposites, that was what it was essential to avoid, that was the source of the romantic comedy’s power. If he was a cool guy, she’d be a nerd. If he was a high powered and closed off executive, she’d be a prostitute with a heart of gold. If he was a pauper, she’d be a princess. You get it. The trick was to not be the opposite of anything, if all the world’s a stage then David was determined to be a nameless extra.

His family didn’t understand what the big deal was. Most people had to put time and energy into having a romantic personal life. Why did David work twice as hard to stop it when he could just relax and let it lead him to his happy ever after credits? It was about all about control, he didn’t like the sensation that came over him when he allowed the universe to just whisk him to whatever ridiculous scenario it had in store for him. It was like being at the top of a water slide and feeling yourself about to be pulled down. If he just let go for a moment before he knew before you could blink he’d be standing on a lawn in the pouring rain begging to be taken back.

Nancy represented autonomy, a choice he’d be making, not one that was being made for him by whatever hack celestial deity writer oversaw this whole existence. They’d exchanged small talk a couple of times in the office kitchen and the chemistry was non-existent. The conversation was stilted and bland, he’d felt awkward and was pretty sure he’d brought up the weather. Afterwards at his desk he’d fretted about whether his conversational ineptitude had crossed over from uncomfortable to a charming befuddlement that could be considered humorous. If it had he’d have to steer clear of her from now on, but no on reflection he was pretty sure it was just a really boring interaction. Perfect.

It was Friday evening and he’d barely done any work for the last few hours, thankfully financial consultant was such a amorphous job title that nobody really seemed to have a clear idea or interest in what he was up to most of the time, not even his boss. What he had come up with was a clear plan for how to ask Nancy out. You had to be very careful at this juncture, he’d blown good opportunities in the past by not being clear enough and thus allowing a potentially side-splitting misunderstanding to occur.

First thing Monday morning, both the least romantic and comedic time of the week, he’d approach Nancy’s desk and in a clear and professional fashion ask if she wanted to go to dinner with him the coming weekend as a date. The last bit was going to be a bit clunky but it couldn’t be avoided. Anyone else could leave it implied but that would be asking for trouble.

Elated he decided that was enough going through the motions of work for a Friday. The office was already half empty and if he left now he could make the earlier train. As he rounded the corner before the elevators he didn’t see her coming in the opposite direction. It was too late. The papers went flying, both apologising profusely they quickly knelt to pick them up. Their hands touched momentarily. Nancy blushed and the air crackled. “I’m so sorry” she said glancing at him “I’ve always been such a klutz”. She was positively adorable, and David’s day was well and truly ruined.