a lover, she is kind

The hardest part of grief was the way it demanded your attention and focus. Ruby had lost a lot of people, she was accustomed to the background noise that grief provided. Most recent to exit her life via the Grim Reaper was her dog, Honey. It happened suddenly. Hit by a truck. Total accident and wildly out of the blue. She didn't have time to prepare for the loss of her young beagle, she had only gotten the puppy a couple years ago. So when the poor teenage driver knocked on her door sobbing apologies, every loss that she had suffered hit her like the truck that hit Honey. Suddenly and with extreme force. She murmured a quick reassuring response to the kid and slammed the door in his face. She was about to collapse on the floor sobbing. She caught herself as she saw her reflection in the mirror on the back of the front door. Before she had been interrupted with sorrow knocking, she had been getting ready for a party she was throwing in honor of her promotion at work. Dressed in a flattering jumpsuit and her great grandmother's antique earrings, she was just finishing up her makeup. She couldn't ruin her masterpiece with tears right now. She would instead do what she always did, distract herself. She drew in a deep breath and suppressed her pain with thoughts of parties and pretty women that would be there and what food her friend Margo would be bringing. She didn't have time for this right now. She lived a busy life, and was a well occupied woman, she made damn sure she didn't have time to be upset.

A couple hours later and the party was in full swing. Loud jazz music was blasting and couples were dancing together. She was flitting from room to room, chatting lightly with her guests and snacking on appetizers, and as soon as conversations got past small talk she would leave to check up on another room. She didn't mind micromanaging the parties, she never really felt comfortable being herself at them anyways. She filled the role of cheery hostess easily, she didn't mind pretending to be someone else for a few hours. Grief gets everyone eventually though, no matter how fast you run. While she was changing the music in the living room, Jake, a friend who she wasn't terribly close with (was she really close with any of her friends?) but still admired, asked if he remembered right that she had a puppy. Ruby felt like she was about to fall apart limb by limb and the grey ice of loss ran through her blood. She thought she was about to break down in front of all her friends right then and there. She glanced at the front door, thinking maybe she could just leave before she started crying and making a fool of herself, when it flew open with the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. With her pretty ringlets and nervous smirk, it was love at first sight. She was breathless, no longer over loss but awe now. She collected herself, smiled kindly at Jake, and said she did in fact have a puppy, and rushed over to the gorgeous woman looking lost in the doorway. Ruby introduced herself as hostess nervously, asking for the woman's name and who she was here with. She replied "Lucy, and my friend Margo- I believe you work with her- she's around here somewhere." as she glanced at the crowd looking to spot her friend, her life raft. Ruby felt for the woman and took her hand reassuringly, and said "I think she's over in the kitchen" as she led her there. 

The next morning she woke up thinking her room was a much brighter white than normal. She had been dreaming about that girl, Lucy. She had to see her again. After she briefly connected the woman with Margo they ended up in the bathroom nursing a bottle of wine together all night, talking until they realized everyone was leaving, they had talked all night and hadn’t even noticed. Lucy had to work, and they said goodbye at the door. She sighed happily in her sheets trying to remember the reason she had been so shaken yesterday but decided she had more important things to think about, like when she could meet Lucy again. She thanked her tipsy self for remembering to collect her number in her phone, and she rolled over in bed, texting to see if they could go out today. As if it was fate, Lucy replied instantly, leaving no time for nervousness.

yes, I know a place. 

Meet me at the fountain by the park by your house at 3. It's a date :)

Weird, she didn't remember a fountain being there. It was probably just new, it's not like she left the house much unless it was for work. Ruby was practically humming in excitement. She had to figure out what to wear. Shit. She had to leave for work soon, she had three major projects going on right now. She could call in sick...in her 8 years of working in the financial sector she never once took a day off. The thought of seeing Lucy again made her heart skip a beat. There was something about that woman. She dialed her new boss's number, practicing her fake cough as it rang.

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They had been meeting at the fountain everyday at 3 for weeks. It was her favorite part of the day, everything else meant nothing. They would make jokes about the people around them, have really deep conversations. Ruby wanted to know everything about her. She would ask a seemingly infinite stream of questions. What was her family like when she was little? What was her favorite thing to see on the drive to work every morning? What song did she have stuck in her head most often?

Lucy had questions too, and for once she didn't mind answering. The calmness that Lucy held made her feel at ease, even when talking about past hardships. Not that she could really remember any of it. Everyday the memories of it got fuzzier and fuzzier. She worked less, until they just stopped calling. She didn't even know where her phone was half the time, she would wake up and eat, sometimes Margo would stop by and then leave shortly, a sad look in her eye. But Ruby mostly just met Lucy at the fountain and then went home to think about Lucy. Everything else in her life had become a dull white. Lucy brought the color back. 

Lucy was ruining her life, by making her feel and experience out of enjoyment, not distraction. Yes, she was ruining her life. But she realized it wasn’t a life she liked very much in the first place. She was getting by, and Lucy allowed her to flourish with her understanding. 

Sometimes they would call late at night, and Ruby would sit where they felt their bond in the bathroom. They would laugh about how worried everyone seemed. They were happy, why couldn’t everyone else see that? Her landlord didn’t seem to mind and she just had oatmeal for every meal, which hardly cost a thing. She found everything she needed in life, and remembering life before Lucy was just a faded memory that felt like years ago now. She was a different person now, she wasn’t playing hostess, she was smiling and happy. She wasn’t alone anymore and that feeling was warm enough for her. She knew she used to have Margo, who would always love and care for her, but Ruby pushed her away a long time ago and didn’t know how to let her back in. She didn’t need to though. Lucy was here now, and Lucy was everything.

After another week or so of this, her landlord Diane came by. She sat calmly in the living room, and she asked how things were going for Ruby. She gushed about Lucy immediately, jittery just talking about the woman of her dreams. Diane asked more questions, once mentioning a dog, and then the lighting in her house flickered for a moment. A sense of danger poured over her. Diane kept pushing though. She kept saying things like "party, dog, psychosis". The house started violently shaking and everything went white, she barely heard a word Diane said, and then everything went white like the walls.

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Margo looked at her old friend sleeping, she looked so peaceful here, asleep in the psych wards hospital bay. Diane, Ruby's psychiatrist, came in the room, clipboard in hand. The elder woman looked at Margo with pity and sat down with her, explaining Ruby's current condition in detail. 

Margo braced herself for the news she had been hoping not to hear. She remembered running late to the party, she remembered seeing Ruby look like she was about to break into a million pieces, and wide eyes entranced with the mirror on the door, and eventually walking to the kitchen grabbing a bottle of wine, and then as Margo tried to catch up and ask what was wrong, she locked herself in the bathroom for hours. Margo made everyone leave the loud party, and eventually called the police, getting more and more worried something was seriously wrong. She came out of her own accord looking dazed and confused, and when the health officials tried to admit her she resisted and needed to be sedated. It was a sight that would stay with her forever.  Diane explained that Ruby would spend hours looking at her reflection in the pond, talking to herself, or a personality she had named Lucy. She had fallen in love with herself, and Diane had a look of sorrow when she explained she wasn't sure if anyone would be able to get out of that state. She had been repressing the loss of her parents, sister, friends, and everyone who seemed to come into her life and die.

 She had been dealt a bad hand in life, Diane kindly explained. The death of her puppy had just been the last straw.