Genetics

I have scanned over 1,000 pieces of paper today. Mostly mail; insurance policies, cancellations, undeliverable mail etc. I hate that part of this new job. If you would have told me that I would be a receptionist at an insurance agency in kind-of-nice part of town two years ago I would have broken down crying. Before this, I had my own painting business and I was loving it. Then the lawsuit came and that's enough about that. I have spent too many nights lying awake thinking about it to ponder on it any further. Some people are truly evil. I never believed there was such a thing as a "bad" person, just people that do "bad" things. I am dealing with a bad person.

I am an adult with my first "adult" job (even though I was a dancer before I owned my own business and I would definitely consider that more of an "adult" job). I can still practice my art in my home studio and play with my 8 month old baby, so life isn't all that boring. I got this job so I could leave work at work and enjoy my life at home. That worked, but now for most of the day I sit behind two computer monitors reading short stories online to make it at least look like I'm using the computer for maybe.. work stuff? Other than that I forward emails, make insurance payments and answer the phone.

I scanned over 1,000 pieces of paper today, but I'll always be a mother and a dancer at heart.

My mother is staying with me while we look for daycare, so I am able to have me time at home. I used to take a bath every single day before I got pregnant. It was a good way to pass time and label it "self care". I always imagined I liked baths because I missed the womb, being surrounded by nothing but warmth in a tub of my own filth. I take once bath a week now and today was my bath day. Leon was safe and entertained downstairs with mom, so there was no rush. When I was drawing my bath, I started to smell something like sweet port wine that reminded me of Spain. The air was heavy with little specks of water called "steam". I couldn't wait, so I got in the water before the tub was done filling.

As I lay back, I hear a "whoosh" so quiet I thought maybe I was about to pass out and it was my blood rushing. No. it continued, it sounded like the ocean. I opened my eyes and there was light peeking out from the drain plug, so I investigated. When I look down the drain, I discover a party below me. I see tapas and wine and people dancing to flamenco music. It's night but the scene is lit with Christmas lights and candles. I can feel the joy radiating from out of my tub drain right up into my bathroom. This is what I want my wedding to be like. It's beautiful and I 'm jealous in a way. Is this real life or some voyeuristic day dream I've constructed as a defense mechanism for something unknown?

There's no way this is real. I check my pulse and it's fine and I get out of the tub to collect myself. The air cools me down and I am able to collect myself. While sitting on the toilet with a towel wrapped around me, I peak over at the drain. More dancing and now a woman is singing this beautiful melody I'd never heard before.

I'm not crazy... I scan papers... I have a respectable job. I don't hallucinate or make up stories. Nobody was going to believe me, but why on earth would I make this up?

When I call my mom up to see what I'm seeing there was nothing. This happens every time I bathe which I do a lot more now that I can pretend I am hosting my idea of a perfect social gathering with my little dancing men and women. Nobody else can see them, though (I make sure to be vague when I ask people what they see in my bath while I am sitting there, naked). I continue this for quite a while.

I decided to call a plumber behind my boyfriend's back so that he doesn't think I am crazy and when I explained to the plumber what was happening he said to never call him or any other plumber about this again and hung up before I got to ask why. He wasn't angry, though. He said it like it was our little secret, like we were the same. This left me with even more questions... was this happening to other people? Or was the plumber just so threatened by my exclamation that he not only didn't want to help me, but wanted to protect his fellow plumbers from me?

I couldn't believe this problem I was having. It was consistent and I genuinely had no idea what was going on but something about that comforted me. I thought about the safety of my son downstairs because this party was below me, could Leon feel these spirits downstairs? Was I going to get sucked down into the plumbing of my bathroom, into the party? I'm always concerned for our safety but this wasn't something I could Google.

I'll never know why I have these extravagant parties in my bathtub but I don't care because now I can play god and watch my little men and women, alone, once a week when I'm worn out from scanning thousands of sheets of paper. They are my bathtub friends. I think My plumber and Leon are the only people who don't think I'm crazy because sometimes when we bathe together, we watch our people dance and eat and drink and he laughs with joy like I've never heard. It's magical. It must be genetic.