Another Love Story Gone Wrong

April

I put my phone down for the millionth time that Day. There were no messages but I thought to check. That was what my life had come to, what with being unemployed and single. Every day I dragged my feet just to reach the end and the cycle continued again. I was surrounded by quietness throughout. Do not get me wrong I was content, with being single in particular. The peace that came with being alone and abstinent was unrivalled. That was the first time I had ever dared face the world alone. In the beginning I was scared, petrified to suddenly have to navigate through life on my own. The six years with Maxwell led to a little bit of dependency, but I worked my fingers to the bone to get over him and I did.

My life changed drastically after Maxwell. I went from sharing my every thought with him to being cooped up in a world of my own. The temptation to go back lingered but I stood my ground. Some days I would hear a knock at my neighbour's door and think it was him. I realized that even though I had wanted out so badly, the toxicity and addiction were still shrouding me. A tiny part of me longed for him to reach out, just so I could get the reassurance that I mattered. He never did and while I had hoped, I found that I got through most of my days okay. I transitioned better than I thought I would and once I fully reached a state of peacefulness, I was convinced nothing would move me.

Like I said I was relatively happy, so I had no reason whatsoever to long for a man. My fate had been decided and sealed the day l left the threshold of mine and Maxwell's relationship. I decided to find myself, outside of men. It was a promising journey, so when out of the blue my phone pinged with a Facebook message notification, I paid no mind to it.

It was two days later that I decided to go through the messages. I was driven by boredom more than anything else but upon seeing the name of the texter,(It was not a man), my curiosity spiked through the roof. I am not an extremely beautiful person but I am beautiful enough to turn heads. Then, I had caught the attention of a girl named Martha. Her message consisted of her raving about how strikingly beautiful she thought I was and so out of pure flattery I texted back. Just a girl, but also a total stranger.

A week after I was seated in front of the mirror preparing to meet up with Martha, the stranger girl from Facebook. We were borderline friends then, courtesy of the video calls and endless chats we shared. Surprisingly, I was putting much effort to look beautiful than I ever did for a guy. I wanted to mirror the beauty she endlessly gushed about. To some extent, I even felt desperate. Desperate to look the part and impress.

Upon seeing her I was blown, she was everything her pictures portrayed and more. I immediately felt insecure, yes I looked super good in pictures but that was largely because they went through extensive editing prior an upload. With sweaty palms from nervousness I made my way over to the table she was seated at. We had both agreed on a restaurant with a mini bar in town. I remember seeing her crooked front teeth and thinking, "at least I have a much more beautiful set". That was the intimidation talking because she was simply breathtaking, crooked teeth or not. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent talking and not even once did the conversation feel forced. Martha and I clicked to say the least. I had not allowed myself to connect with someone like that in a very long time. By the time we went home, I had shed a few tears from narrating a love story gone wrong. I felt lighter and very pleased that I had afforded myself the chance to feel, although most of the talking was done by the liquor. 

It came as no surprise to discover that she was lesbian. I had put two and two together from our phone conversations but refrained from asking. I found her to be extremely fascinating, and a few times caught myself totally mesmerized. I had never in my life thought of a girl like that, I told her as much and she assured me of the platonic nature of our relationship. She also mentioned Jess, her girlfriend and we spent close to half an hour going through their pictures. I was almost blinded by the radiance coming off of her when she talked about her. If I had doubts about her being interested in me sexually, they were completely leveled then. 

The following weeks were spent going through what we called the bucket list, only this was due before my next fall in love. Sometimes Jess would join us and she was nothing short of an excellent human being. I insisted that I wanted nothing to do with relationships but everytime I looked at those two I felt a tinge of longing and nostalgia from forgotten days. We went to the spa together and got matching pedicures. I wore a swimsuit for the first time despite my troubling stretch marks and dark inner thighs. I stood in front of a crowd on karaoke nights and sang my lungs out. All simple things but things I had never dared doing before. They helped me realize my potential, the two of them. For once after many years of believing I was lovable in the eyes of only Maxwell, my confidence landed back in my grasp again and I loved them for it. 

Soon we became an inseparable trio, me and my genuine, incredible lesbian friends. Sometimes I would worry that I was getting a little dependant on them. On those days I would go back into my shell and convince myself that they needed their own space. I then had a relationship separately with each. Some days it would be me and Martha, others me and Jess. While Martha was a carefree daring woman, Jess was a little more like myself, reserved and calculating. Other than the fact that I had Known Martha first, I preferred her over Jess for her personality. She came with a halo that woke up the glow out of me, at the time I needed it the most. 

When I had gravitated towards wanting to spend more time with Jess, I blamed it on the extrovert that was Martha. I loved her character but I was still an introvert in every sense of the word. I did not notice it for what it was. A cup of coffee and shared novels with Jess suddenly seemed more inviting and exhilarating. I had figured that I had gotten a bit tired of all the outings so I retreated to life as I had once known it, except now I had Jess 's company. So when one day I caught myself smiling thinking about Jess, I associated it with the familiarity. We bonded over thoughts, something that has proven to be incredibly rare. Martha did feel the neglect and commented on it but she had the two of us and absolutely nothing to worry about, we assured her. 

Thinking about it, it all makes sense. Jess and I now shared a deeper emotional and intellectual connection. For a demisexual, that is enough to rouse all sorts of emotions, except Jess was still a girl and I was sure of my sexual orientation. So why did I suddenly feel this edge to curl up next to her and never let go? This insatiable thirst and need to be next her at all times? I saw them sharing a kiss and my eyes watered. I fidgeted and looked away with heat rushing up my neck and cheeks. It was awful, more than my words could ever convey. The thought of the three of us saddened me. I felt palpitations each time they shared a look and sometimes would get irrationally irritable. Consumed by my love for both and my jealousy, I turned into a conflicted mess of desperately needing to numb my feelings out and hoping for a chance. It was not as happy as before and nothing less could be expected. I was blindingly in love, with the last person I could have ever anticipated and it was a heavy cloud looming over me.

The guilt of it started eating away at me. I could not stand the gnawing, it was frankly the most painful emotion I had felt in a while. My nights were filled with envisioned confrontations from Martha. If I was not tossing and turning in bed, I was doing my deliberate best to avoid answering my phone. I knew for sure that I had to distance myself, at least until I could think a little more straight. That was how it ended, a beautiful story with roughened edges. I fell in love with Jess and I hated myself for it. The only way I slept through the night was when I ceased all contact. With unwavering determination, after endless floundering, I became a silhouette in the distance and ghosted the two most important people in my life. I did not orchestrate falling in love but I could pause my emotions long enough to not put myself first. They never knew, I hope it stays that way because I would hate to tarnish our memories more than I already have. It felt like another love story gone wrong.

Martha

The loss of friendship between April and I pained me, extremely so. It felt as if I was beaten with a sledge hammer and could not recover. Jess caught me staring off into the distance with tears coming from my eyes a couple of times. I could tell that it broke her too. It was heart wrenching to have to let go, especially after I knew why. Jess laid it all out, everything I had not seen. April had deserted me for Jess and I was too much of a believer to see. The late night and early morning video calls that I was excluded from. The stray and sporadic hellos while Jess got a dedicated day of long conversations. It was all so blatant and yet my faith hid it from me. April's departure left me distraught but I forgive her. I respect that she got a hold of her self restraint eventually, that she fought against whatever urges she experienced. I love her for choosing to be the bigger person and at least leaving one thing as it once was, the love Jess and I share.