Creative Nonfiction Sad

She had been through a lot with her newfound illness. A problem that infused her with extreme anxiety. What if it were to happen again? Would she be able to recover or would she be able to handle it? During this time she felt the weight of the world crashing down on her with all its horrible might. Why me? Was a common question she asked herself and the universe, hadn’t she been through enough trauma already. 

At about three in the morning unable to sleep she got out of her purple sheeted bed and walked slowly up to the large window. Moving the thick and gray curtains back that was way too long and past the window pane onto the floor. She saw how bright the moon was. So bright that it blocked out the lumination of the stars. The contrast of the bright moon to the darkness of night was almost blinding. The full moon was viewable to the southeast, glowing in all of its beauty just over the top of the white-trimmed house next door. 

Basking in the alluring shining light of the moon she gently put her cold hand on the thick glass of the window with hope in her heart. Silently she said a little prayer to the universe. Although she was not religious she was desperate for a savior from another instance of her illness that may crop up. Besides what did she have to lose by just asking?

After doing this odd thing she laid back down in her soft full-sized bed and tried to dream. She had left the blinds open just a little in order to feel enveloped in the moonlight. None of this would work, however, leading to her disappointment. Just another attempt to save herself gone awry. Despite her little prayer, she could not escape the fate her body had given her. 

Her happiness had been falling apart, crying every night had become a habit for her. So, this disappointment just further made her faith non-existent. You would think that she would’ve found god as many do when confronted with the threat of death or illness. Not her though, all it did was add to her trust in science. Science she believed was all that could truly help her in her recovery. Deciding not to look to religion to help her she continued with her medical regimen. Hoping and pleading for help to escape the pains caused by her unavoidable neurological condition. 

Months went by after the instance of her looking through the window out at the moon pleading for help. Things were looking up. Her condition was being controlled through medication and self-care. Nevertheless, the fear of materialization of her symptoms of the condition she was inflicted with. She didn’t want to have to deal with the disruption this affliction had brought to her life. It was already hard enough to put her life back together. Having to rebuild again would be strenuous and would it even be a life that she could handle? 

Fearing her life once again would be blown to pieces that she would have to put back together in order to solve the puzzle, so, she turned to writing. A way to escape from the fears and the worries and to instead use this issue of hers as fuel to follow a passion of hers she didn’t think she would be successful at. Surprisingly the doubts of her own abilities were unnecessary and only caused her more anxiety. 

Putting these doubts at ease she willed herself to follow through on her desire to write. Sure, it did not dispel the fear entirely but it was a way to help her heal and decompress. It gave her drive in other areas of her life. Giving her confidence to do the things she loved and returned her to the grounded woman she wanted to be. Well, not entirely grounded, she couldn’t help but live in the clouds sometimes. Despite the enjoyment of fantasizing, she found ways to get back to what she thought was her normal. 

A job that gave her consistency, reaching out to friends and family, looking inside of herself to figure out what she really needed. The belief that maybe she could move on was becoming true to her as time went on. Now, this was no religion but it was something she could take comfort in. Giving her a sense of safety and warmth. Knowing that even if she did fall, she would be able to find ways to get back to the life she had reassembled. 

Still haunted by the worries of the past she tried to keep that at the back of her mind when sleeping or in waking. Needing to take care of her body and mind in order to stave off the possibility of the resurgence of her terrifying condition. She knew however that she never would be able to escape the limitations of her body and mind. It did its best at times to make her exhausted. Some symptoms never truly go away and the memory of things that occurred never went away either. 

This fact didn’t dissuade her from pursuing the things she had wanted to pursue before she found out that she had an incurable condition. Management of said condition was pertinent though. She could never falter when it came to this. Taking her medications and following the guidelines. This was not viewed by her as a limitation but instead a way to feel out of harm’s way. 

The anger though never really subsided. After all, she didn’t think it was fair. By comparison to other people’s struggles, she could not think that her problems superseded the issues others face. Keeping this in mind when sharing with others the experiences she had. While also making sure to support those who were facing their own afflictions. The support she gave at times wasn’t perfect but nevertheless, she tried her best to remain far from being selfish. 

One night she again looked up at the moon through the glass of her window that was in need of a clean. That same glowing view reminded her of the time she had looked to the universe for rescue. Perhaps she didn’t realize it at the time but maybe the universe did in fact help her. You cannot predict the ways or the times in which the cosmos reach out to you and give you what you truly need. 

June 11, 2021 00:45

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RBE | Illustrated Short Stories | 2024-06

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