Mighty the Pen

 “The pen is mightier than the sword: wield it wisely,” reads the whisp of paper pulled from my fortune cookie.

“Well, Cissy, that’s a profound load of drivel.” I speak aloud to my empty kitchen as I crumple the bit of paper and let it fall into the detritus of my General Tso’s Sunday night takeout.

Days later, though, I would be forced to reconsider.

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To: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Date: Mon, Feb 5 at 10:43 AM

From: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Subject: Meeting follow-up

Do you believe that meeting? GOD! If his dick were half as big as his ego, Marcy would be a happy woman!

Cecelia (Cissy) Probest

Junior Software Engineer I

Neva Bank Corporation

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I press SEND only after rechecking the recipient list to make sure I haven’t done anything stupid like copy the entire company. My bestie Gloria responds immediately.

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To: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Date: Mon, Feb 5 at 10:45 AM

From: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Subject: Meeting follow-up-Reply

Well, we’ve both … erm… been there done that and know he needs all the help he can get!

BTW - guess what my Chinese fortune last night said? “You belong together.” Coincidentally, Justin and I are going out again tonight.

He may be THE ONE!!! Wouldn’t our babies be gorgeous? HA!

Gloria Herrit

Junior Software Engineer II

Neva Bank Corporation

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Gloria and I had hit it off instantly when she joined the company as the new intern a little over two years ago. She was replacing me at the time, as I was hired from my internship into a full-time position with the company. It turns out she also replaced me in our boss Sean’s bed.

There wasn’t anything creepy in my relationship with Sean. There was no sexual harassment involved – I mean I didn’t need to sleep with him to keep my job or anything like that. With me, he was charming and generous, although, yes, he could be self-centered and frustratingly arrogant at times. We were upfront with each other from the start: not exclusive, nothing long term, casual only. So, I was really OK with him moving on. I did warn Gloria on our first girl’s night out, admittedly after possibly one too many cocktails, so she knew what she was getting herself into. Sean’s behavior proved to be predictable, if nothing else, because as soon as Marcy entered the scene as this year’s intern, he dropped Gloria like a hot potato. I don’t know if Gloria ever had that same cautionary conversation with Marcy or not.

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To: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Date: Tue, Feb 6 at 9:20 AM

From: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Subject: Scrum follow-up

Was that the STRANGEST stand-up scrum we’ve ever had? Did you notice how Sean kept squirming and adjusting his crotch? And wasn’t Marcy moving kinda slow, like she was a little sore ‘down there’? WTF?

Cecelia (Cissy) Probest

Junior Software Engineer I

Neva Bank Corporation

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To: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Date: Tue, Feb 6 at 9:22 AM

From: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Subject: Scrum follow-up-Reply

But she was SMILING, baaaaaby!

And re: Sean -- I did notice that. And didn’t there seem to be a larger ‘bulge’ there than usual?

Maybe a sock, static cling...  8-)

Gloria Herrit

Junior Software Engineer II

Neva Bank Corporation

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I was scheduled to train Marcy on one of the software packages we routinely use. As I neared her desk, her face flushed a brilliant pink as she quickly closed her laptop. Just as I was about to pull up a chair, Sean stuck his head out of his office.

“Marcy, could you come in here for a minute? Something we need to discuss,” he said.

“Sorry, Cissy,” Marcy said as she hastily stood. “Can we do this another time?”

 “Sure,” I said, “just let me know when you’re free.”

I watch her walk away, then sit down in her chair, curious as to what she’d been reading that had her so flustered. When I flip the laptop open, ‘unexpected change in male penis size’ shows in a Google search box.

“Well, couple things Marcy,” I’m thinking. “Redundancy much? How many females do you know with a penis? And what on earth are you thinking doing that kind of search at work?”

But – what the double hell? I take a picture of her screen with my phone before reclosing the laptop and returning to my cubicle. I bring up our email application but just stare at the screen. It takes me some time before I can corral my turbulent thoughts enough to compose another email to Gloria.

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To: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Date: Tue, Feb 6 at 11:15 AM

From: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Subject: Something weird just happened

Attached: Photo1

Take a quick look at the attachment – make sure no one is looking over your shoulder.

I found that on Marcy’s computer just now.

Remember what I said yesterday in that ‘Meeting follow-up’ email? I know this if fricking weird, but … do you think maybe it came true? Given also our observations this morning in scrum…

Wish we could get together tonight, but I know you’ll be out with Justin.

Cecelia (Cissy) Probest

Junior Software Engineer I

Neva Bank Corporation

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To: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Date: Tue, Feb 6 at 11:32 AM

From: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Subject: Something weird just happened-Reply

No way girl, that shit doesn’t happen IRL.

Does it?

Gloria Herrit

Junior Software Engineer II

Neva Bank Corporation

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Something is nagging at me. As I reach for my phone to order some lunch, it strikes me. The fortune, saying the pen is mighty, be wise, yada yada. It can’t be. Can it? I put the phone down, no longer hungry.

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To: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Date: Tue, Feb 6 at 12:12 PM

From: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Subject: Test1

I’m going to try some things.

Bob will burn his popcorn.

Ellie will get a paper cut and carry on like she’s dying.

Cecelia (Cissy) Probest

Junior Software Engineer I

Neva Bank Corporation

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When the smell of burnt popcorn wafts from the break room and Ellie suddenly cries out in pain, I lurch from my chair and rush to the restroom. I lock myself in a stall, one hand covering my mouth.

“This cannot fucking be happening.” My thoughts roil along with my stomach. After a time, I exit the stall, blot my face with cold water at the sink and return to my desk.

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To: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Date: Tue, Feb 6 at 12:32 PM

From: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Subject: What is going on?

I think this is really happening. You can smell the popcorn, right?

And just in case it IS real: Justin will send a dozen yellow roses to Gloria at work.

Cecelia (Cissy) Probest

Junior Software Engineer I

Neva Bank Corporation 

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To: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Date: Tue, Feb 6 at 3:52 PM

From: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Subject: What is going on? -Reply

Cissy, this can't be! I got the roses, but maybe it’s all coincidence?

I’m going to try it.

Sean will come out of his office and tell us we can all go home early today.

Gloria Herrit

Junior Software Engineer II

Neva Bank Corporation

  ---------------------------------------------------------------

To: gloriaherrit@nevabank.com

Date: Tue, Feb 6 at 4:53 PM

From: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Subject: What is going on? -Reply

Well, Sean didn’t appear. We’re still here.

I think it’s just me. I forgot to tell you about MY fortune:

“The pen is mightier than the sword: wield it wisely.”

But this is CRAZY!

Hope you have a wonderful time tonight with Justin. He may not know about the roses?

Cecelia (Cissy) Probest

Junior Software Engineer I

Neva Bank Corporation

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Over the next few days, I do more innocuous tests, and indeed, the things I type inevitably come to fruition. I become incredibly conscious of everything I compose, judicious with my words. What a huge responsibility I’ve been burdened with. But also, what a gift.

With a caveat: “Wield it wisely.” Therein lies the kicker.

By the time the weekend arrives, I am mentally exhausted. I beg off all invitations for outings, from Gloria, my family, other friends. I spend Saturday mulling over the implications of this phenomenon, frightened by the power in my fingertips. Around midnight, I reach a decision and fire off an email to myself.

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To: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Date: Sat, Feb 10 at 11:56 PM

From: cissyathome@gmail.com

Subject: Test10

Justin has fallen head over heels in love with Gloria.

He will present a huge diamond and ask her to marry him.

He will be faithful to her, be good to her and respect her.

They will build a wonderful life together.

She will never know about this email.

  ---------------------------------------------------------------

I deliberate before hitting send with a shaky cursor. I know I’ve started down a path that may be irrevocable, realize that I’m messing with people’s lives here.

I spend most of Sunday sleeping, my body responding to my tired brain. I’m still feeling a bit sluggish Monday morning as I arrive for work.

 “Did you do this?” It’s apparent Gloria has been waiting for me in the foyer of the building. There is no other greeting, no ‘what’s up girl’, none of her usual carefree panache. Her eyes are red, her hair tousled, signs of a restless night.

“Do what?” I pretend innocence, confusion.

Gloria holds out her left hand, a beautiful emerald-shaped diamond sparkling on the appropriate finger. “This,” she hisses.

“Of course not,” I respond. I will take that secret to my grave. “I wouldn’t do that!”  

Gloria knows me better than anyone, and she studies my face. “I’m not sure I believe you, but I don’t want to lose either one of you – you or Justin. But if it was you, this has to stop. Promise me you’ll stop.”

Her fierce loyalty brings tears to my eyes. How incredibly lucky I am to have such a friend.

“I don’t want to lose you either.” I pull her into a hug and whisper in her ear. “I promise I’ll stop.”

But first, I have some things to do.

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To: evanandskippy1@gmail.com

CC: cissyathome@gmail.com

Date: Mon, Feb 12 at 8:20 AM

From: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Subject: Hiya-Reply

Evan – sorry I’m just getting around to responding. Things have been a bit hectic at work. You wouldn’t believe what happened! My boss Sean got canned for sexual harassment, and they’ve decided that I will move into his position!

And, I have a really good feeling that things will start looking up for mom in the very near future! More to come on that.

I’m sure they’ll accept your offer on the house – how could they refuse the most handsome couple ever?

Love you more ~~ Cissy

Cecelia (Cissy) Probest

Senior Software Engineer I

Neva Bank Corporation

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Date: Fri, Feb 09 at 11:02 PM

From: evanandskippy1@gmail.com

Subject: Hiya

Hey Cis, just checking in, haven’t talked to you in a while. How’s the job? Get a promotion yet? It’s about time they give you one – you work your ass off for them!

What’s going on with mom? Anything new? It’s hard for me to talk to her about it. Would appreciate it if you’d keep me updated.

Skip and I put in an offer on ‘the house of our dreams’. So, fingers crossed that the offer will be accepted!

Love you, Evan (best brother ever)

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To: mompop_probest@gmail.com

CC: cissyathome@gmail.com

Date: Mon, Feb 12 at 9:01 AM

From: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Subject: Catching up

Hey mom, tried to call but you didn’t pick up. No worries, I know how tired you get. Sorry I couldn’t go with you to treatment last week, but things have been rather hectic at work.

I have some great news! They have discovered a cure for ovarian cancer! I’ll be sure to go along to your doctor’s appointment on Wed. so that we can discuss with her. But I’m SOOOOOOO excited for you, for us!!!!!! And, from what I understand, this discovery will have a significant impact on ALL cancer cure research, not just for ovarian cancer. How cool is that?

Call if you feel up to it.

Love you forever  ~~ Cissy

Cecelia (Cissy) Probest

Senior Software Engineer I

Neva Bank Corporation

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To: cissyathome@gmail.com

Date: Mon, Feb 12 at 11:20 AM

From: ceceliaprobest@nevabank.com

Subject: Enough is enough

Sean’s dick will revert to the size it was before this all began.

Trump will lose the 2024 election and fade from public view.

The Ukrainian war will end, with Ukraine the victor and all captured territories and stolen children returned.

Every poppy plant in the world will be stricken with a blight from which they will never recover.

All hungry children the world over will have enough to eat.

I will never again read the words of a fortune cookie.

My written words will no longer come true.

Cecelia (Cissy) Probest

Senior Software Engineer I

Neva Bank Corporation

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