The Apocalypse and Me

There are few things in this world of less interest, than any sort of discussion on the Apocalypse. And I told him this. Straight to his face. Or rather, where one would imagine a face, instead it is kind of a blurry empty space. 

Oh, don’t worry, he doesn’t seem to mind, after all, he wouldn’t be much of an armageddon of any kind, if he cared what we thought, nah to that he could take or leave. Not really one to wear his heart on his sleeve. He usually just reaches for a pint or takes a shot and winks without eyes or takes a hit on some pot. It shouldn’t surprise any of you to say he doesn’t care about any of us lot. No, not a jot. 

We met some time ago, when time was still a thing, and life was so-so. I had just run in after picking some rose hips, when I had heard a rustling outside, and shouted, “Get off my lawn unless you be the Apocalypse”. When he didn’t scurry off, I prepared for some more angered comments, but up he bobbed, and his aura hopped my fence. Sure, enough, he brought the end of it all, the doomsday, armageddon, the day that all humanity will fall. 

I never kept up well with such things, I always forgot which seal was to break, and to look for the king of kings. “Isn’t it that already,” I said, hopeful for some more time. The apples were ripe and they are just so sublime. Indeed, it was the time to be, the heavens made all the ruckus and rained down destruction so they can fuck us. 

You know, he is really quite a boring chap, the end of all life, the prince of mishap. Just roams my property, yelling to his lawyer about what he wants to save, you see. He quite likes the way that my house will burn, and he is a fan of that Netflix show, Turn. “Have you seen it” he would say to me, spraying his words like a shitty little tit. “No, not not yet, not suspecting I will have much of a chance, I bet. Would probably spend some time with my wife, rather than watch a stupid show on the last day of my life”. He would pshaw me, and give a deep harrumph, you see. He kept me around cause I would put him down.  Being the apocalypse and honored by the folks who hope for the end, he never really had much time for a friend. Especially a mean one, who has fun, delights even, in insulting him a ton. He acts out to destroy, because his life and supporters don’t give him much joy. They respond when he makes fires big and dances his jig, sending floods to the plains and makes ocean’s wane. No, he is not a nice being. But one wonders if seeing, the world through kinder eyes, if perhaps, it might keep him from making all the people dies. 

But that is all rhetorical, by the time we met he had done the great cull. Whether it be minutes or whether years, the world has already fallen into tears. And its not that he likes me so much, that is a fact, I just negotiate a hard contract. He wants my house to be the capital, where he institutes his new law. He wants this hell to be normalcy, and build a better bureaucracy. Truly evil but I remain civil. He measures my doors, the floors, states how he adores my outdoors. Tells me if there is anyone living or dead I would have phoned, while on my porch he gets right proper stoned. I tells him, Everyone is dead, he laughs that weed laugh and nearly falls on the absence that is his head. 

During a conversational exchange, I ask “What did it, what caused the fall of all of this” “Climate change”. He choked and joked, “What else did you think, do you think god just flooded his kitchen sink, did Noah go and build his ark, only to cause forest fires when the beavers got cold and lit a spark. No, this ain’t celestial, it is all ya’ll”.

I figured that was the case, I just asked so I could get up and leave to get some space. Not easy talking with someone with no face, no body, nothing to fit into any place. He can be a lot, and more often than not he talks a lot of rot. I am sure he made it all up, he probably just got hungry and wanted to sup, or got bored and wanted to start a new world of only pups. I couldn’t wait to be done with him, but his lawyers take a while and they kept threatening to take a limb. I would just laugh and not say a word, they were taking nothing of that I was assured. I made their boss laugh, and that at least buys me a millennia and a half, oh and they know that. 

But finally, there it was, it was time to say, “See ya”, I had heard we were only waiting on the new messiah. He took the wrong stop at the subway, on the calendar, circled the wrong day. It didn’t really matter, Apocy and I had made a good deal and were sharing a celebratory final meal. Apples from the tree, vegetables from my garden, I had included in the fee. With me, nothing was ever free. I loved this life you see. He would have to pay hand over feet for my property. It wasn’t much considering his end of the world deed, but at least I would be free, and with an extra penny or three. 

I folded my napkin and up I bobbed, about ready to hop over my own fence, when he sobbed. “Oh, no no”, I yelled, “you don’t get to be so emotional so, you killed everyone and introduced the moon to the sun, caught night early in the middle of the run, and now darkness covers my entire lawn. You don’t get to be sad, don’t you see that. You ended this world and that is bad. You don’t get to be sad. Don’t you see that”.

He sniffled, too. Of course he did, he was a sniffler through and through. He mumbled some sentiment, I would rather not repeat because after all it is all nonsense. He wanted me not to go away he wanted me forever and a day. He wanted a friend, a lover, a companion for every day. Perhaps if he had had such a companion, he wouldn’t have started this whole armageddon. Or so he said and went on and on. 

“There is no forgiveness for ending all of this, I am sorry if you are pissed, but you can’t destroy worlds cause you got ticked. Jesus. You know that, too. Yes, I know you do. You knew this was wrong, to destroy a world because you can’t find a place to belong. Go back inside, go back to my home, you paid for it, and I threw in the phone. No extra fee. But the deal is, you know longer get to see me”. 

Then there was silence, the kind of silence that lasts like ten minutes. And then I turned around and left my fence, wondering what being is like without a single sense. But he had more to say, one more comment. 

“Want to come back to my place”.

“Oh, honey, read my lips, Apocalypse, not any place,” I said to where he had no face, “Not anywhere in time or space”.