The Loss of the Sakura

The pink petals of the cherry blossoms have finally bloomed after the long wait. Spring has come to Japan once more as it blankets the country in pinks and whites. People gather under the umbrella of petals for a Hanami (Sakura viewing). Young and old, man and woman, come together to celebrate the Spring that brings with it new life and rebirth after chasing away the cold winter. The joy of the children running around and the loud laughs of the adults drinking their Beer and Sake fill the air with renewed joy. Yet, I feel like a black spot amongst this light. Detached from all of this as if I'm not really there. 

I awoke under the branches of a singular Sakura Cherry blossom on a hill, far from the lights and laughter of the Hanami. I rubbed the sleepiness from my eyes as the wind blew the cold threw me. I could not remember how I had made my way this far out. The pinks and oranges in the sky had faded as the sun fell behind the mountains, allowing the moon to shine throughout the night. As I rested my hand at my side, I hit a Sake bottle that stood beside me. It fell over and I watched as the remaining liquor drained out and poisoned the earth bellow it. 

I know I have to stop drinking like this but at least the moments when my mind is foggy or I'm passed out, she can't find her way back into my mind. I tilted my head up against the tree as I let out a breath watching as its warmth faded up into the cold night. Above me, the Sakura tree was covered in cherry blossoms as moon light peaked through the gaps. As I stared at the blossoms overhead, all I could think of was last spring. How I had picked a blossom off a Sakura tree’s branch and tucked it behind Ms. Hayakawa’s ear. I remember the warmth of her smile against her jet-black hair and how the wind would not stop playing with it. I remember her saying how embarrassing it was as she kept trying to fix and adjust her hair but I just remember thinking her hair flowing in the wind made her look even more enchanting. Now in the cold night filled with echoes of laughter, all I could do was drink to forget her.

A couple months ago, when she stopped reaching out to me, I went mad trying to get in contact with her. With every voice message left and every text that remained unread, my heart sank further into itself. She had bewitched me body and soul and all I wanted to do was spend every spring under the blanket of the Sakura trees with her in my arms. 

Finally, when this game of hide-and-go-seek had gone on for too long, I sent my last message to her, telling her to meet me at the same place we had our first date together on the day the Hanami would be held. I believed since the Cherry blossoms hadn't bloomed yet she would have had more than enough time to think it over. Foolish of me to think sentimentality would bring her back to me. 

I sat there, under the tree as I cradled my legs. I knew I should get back to the Hanami. Back to the laughter and joy that couldn't penetrate my loss and longing. But I just sat there, unmoving. I didn't want to go back yet. I couldn't. Being surrounded by laughter and joy only made the emptiness in me more apparent. More real than I was comfortable with. More real than I could handle.

I grabbed the fallen Sake bottle, shaking it above my open mouth, trying to get every last drop as the feelings I didn't want to feel compounded on themselves. I swore before I threw the bottle down and buried my face in my arms, trying to forget Ms. Hayakawa while cursing the part of me that wanted to hold onto her. The part of my that wanted to continue to hope that she would come back. All of a sudden, I felt the slightest weight on my shoulder. I rose my head and saw that a pink petal had fallen and remained perfectly balanced on my shoulder. As I looked up back to the canopy of petals. A sharp gust of wind ripped through the branches, snatching petals from their branches. 

I jumped up as around me petals began to dance in the wind as they slowly made their decent. More and more of the moon's light shined down on me as the petals fell. How tragic is the fate of the cherry blossoms to wait all year to bloom yet to only fall after two weeks. To finally have something so beautiful only to have it end so soon. Before I could do anything, I began to sob as the tears poured down my face. The cold wind bit at my wet cheeks yet I could not stop. I knew the cherry blossoms signified rebirth when they bloomed, but I forgot that when its petals fall, it reminds us of the finite nature of life and all a part of it.

For the first time, I didn't reach liquor when I longed for Ms. Hayakawa. I let myself cry through the night. I let myself feel the loss of her and all I was with her. And as the petals vanished within the tall grass. I allowed that part of my life to disappear like an illusion, like a boat disappearing into the horizon and while I knew the feelings would no doubt resurface. With the boat eventually returning to harbor, I could not be there begging for it to dock by me. I had to let go of the tight grip I had on the dock lines and turn my gaze else where. Back to the firm land before me rather than the fading horizon behind me.