"Someday"

The wind blew one end of my scarf past my waist. I took it off clumsily and wrapped it around my ears over my head before wrapping my neck with it again.

I was stuck in a storm in winter inside the school premises where I taught Mathematics. While it brought on a pleasant wintry chill, the taste of its shrill cold monsoon wind was not something I was too keen on enduring.

Perhaps because I could tell no one that I was cold on the inside. There was someone I had been ignoring - a fellow English teacher.

I strode past students who were leaving the school, just like any other day.

I had hardly been walking fifty meters away from the school when I saw him. It made my stomach feel as if something plummeted down. I felt a rush of stirrings in my chest which I quieted down.

"I will never be his," I repeated to myself with resolve.

And he would never be mine, either.

She extended her neck, looked up at the brightly lit starry sky and closed her eyes, feeling a tingling shiver as he brushed her hair behind her ears.

"Are you there?" I whispered, still feeling the warmth the tingle left me with. I could only imagine the warmth his embrace would bring me but I wouldn't dare.

"I am," he whispered back.

"I wish we could stay here forever," I said.

I gasped back a violent sob. I knew him and he knew me. Or so I thought. I didn't think that one and a half years later everything would change. I blinked as my eyes became moist and repeated my resolve, steeling my heart.

"I will never be his."

I gazed up into the sky and breathed in. This time, it was only me. And I would not have it any other way.

I walked past him without glancing at him once. I did not know if he noticed me, for I did not notice him. I would not let my thoughts linger, even though old habits willed me to take my resolve away.

I did not want to hate him. I did not hate him. Standing here, I knew I did not regret not having him. But I realised I hadn't forgiven him yet either.

But what for should I forgive him?

I had fallen in love, I had wanted him to love me. If only I had never looked too far into the future, I would not have crossed paths with him again, and would not have wandered into his soul without knowing what to do.

He loved someone. His feelings blended with hers naturally. She gave him joy and happiness in his love. That knowledge did not render the blemish in my heart indelible. How could I forgive him for something that needed no forgiving?

Yet, the steadiness in my countenance would not come. When will I be able to wish them happiness with lightness in my heart?

I knew. I knew a weight would be lifted off if the heaviness of what I thought of as a sacrifice could erase the occasional longing and confused mind the heart wrought. My resolve stopped me from doing what I knew was right. But where would I be without my resolve?

I didn't want to think about this, I decided.

I sat under a tree and picked up a golden leaf. Nature forgave harsh winters, redeeming itself every spring, shedding its brightness only to bloom again. Seedlings sprouted its first tender leaves begotten from old dying trees. I thought of this while tracing wiry veins of the fallen leaf with a finger.

Drop by drop it started to rain. Then it came in a downpour. I started to weep, quietly. Then the tears stopped coming. I didn't cry like most other days.

Quietly, I watched them.

They sat next to each other. He looked at her as she leafed through the pages and pointed at something. She said something and he laughed. He said something and they laughed together. His eyes softened as he looked at her. Then they fell silent.

They got up, he picked up her book. They walked slowly, willing time to go slower. Sweet is the passage of time to those who are in love. And they were in love. Their pace was so natural and they were so at ease in each other's company, that I wondered.

He held her hand and she stopped walking. He faced her, and he said something. She nodded, still silent. Then he hugged her softly. My throat tightened. When they disengaged, she was glowing and he was taking it all in. They started walking again, this time holding hands, each stride matching one another's.

I stood up, watching them as they faded into the distance.

"Someday," I whispered to myself. "Someday I will forgive myself for not owning up to myself. Someday I will give what love asks for and ask nothing of it. All the best to you Abhinav. And all the best to you, Himani."

Even Jo had Mr. Bhaer, a fleeting thought came to me, as I went away.

Things that heal on their own.

Things that heal despite blows

Wipe those tears off your face

Continue your journey ahoy, ahead!

For time heals all wounds...

For whenever God closes a door, he opens a window...

Heaven and hell is right here on Earth.

For all the scorching hell might bring

Burning skin and fire licking bones,

Do forgive

For hope is there

Harbinger of life

Stay alive and alert

For love is still there

Waiting for you somewhere

Someone who'll know your soul

Will fight for you even when you leave

Your final wishes in that fire

Will wake you up

Gently, tenderly,

And you will find life again.

Love and life cooked together

Can you imagine something better?

Patience, and wait

Till then let life take you where it will.

Someday, someday, someday

You will be without bondage

Happy away from the harpies

And you will slumber

At peace.