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Funny Fiction Urban Fantasy

Tim slowed his walk down the sunset-drenched suburban alley when he noticed a black cat sitting on a tall green fence, watching him. He stopped altogether when the cat said, “Psst!”

Tim startled, shook his head, and took another step.

“Hey kid!” said the cat. “I said, ‘psst!’”

Tim planted his hands on his hips and frowned up at the cat. He let out a long breath, as though he had just worked a double shift at Hotdog Cabana. “I heard you.” His last double shift, they had a birthday party of nearly thirty. The kicker was, the screaming kids were actually tolerable – it was their adults that trashed the bathrooms. “Just not sure I care, honestly.”

The cat huffed. “You don’t seem too surprised to meet a talking cat.”

“I’m trying to figure out if I’m high.”

The cat glared down at him and flicked its tail. “That’s neither here nor there. Say, what’s your name, kid?”

“Uh… why?”

“Geez,” spat the cat, “what a question. I’m just trying to be sociable and this guy lawyers up. Well ya got me. I was going to ask for your birthdate, mother’s maiden name, and PIN next, and then clean out all of your no-doubt offshore accounts, and then start squatting in your yacht with my fifty cousins.” He licked his paw. “Yeesh.

Tim’s face soured. “Sorry, it’s been a day.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“My name’s Tim.”

The cat’s eyes widened. “No kidding!? Tim’s my name too! Only mine’s got a silent e at the end.”

“Time?”

Time’s eyes narrowed. “No, ‘Tim’, just like you. Don’t be a dick.”

“Yeah, right, sorry.” Tim cleared his throat and checked his phone. “Well, it’s been real, but I gotta jet.”

What!? But we’ve just started building rapport!”

“Sorry dude. Gotta study for finals.” Tim continued down the alley, and Time stalked behind him.

“Study?” Time blew a raspberry. “Don’t be lame.” When Tim didn’t rise to the bait, he added, “What are you studying?”

“Accounting.”

“Oh, super lame.”

“You know, I used to think so, but I’ve actually grown to really like it.”

“Nerd.”

Tim scowled, but ignored the jab. “Besides, there’s a good future in it, and I might actually be able to pay off my student loans.”

Tim stopped when Time started laughing uproariously. “Ridiculous, Tim! By the time you graduate, your whole chosen career path will belong to AI.”

Time continued laughing.

“I–” Tim tried to protest, but it was the only word he was able to get out, and his jaw moved up and down soundlessly. Sure, there had been rumours at college, and sure, they had all joked about interning for computers just last autumn – but that all felt like distant harmless fun. Could the cat be right? Did cats know about these things?

“Ah, sorry I laughed,” Time said, regaining his composure. “Must be a nasty shock, learning your boring job’s just been downgraded to a boring hobby.”

“Um,” said Tim, “yeah…”

“Look, really, I’m sorry. Fact is, I like you, and I think I can help you out. With those loans, I mean.”

Tim grunted a chuckle. “You? But you’re a cat – nature’s apex asshole.” Time snarled. “How could a cat help anything?”

“You daft? You hard of imagination or something? You really can’t conceive of any way a magical cat could be of use?”

“Oh, so now you’re a magical cat?”

“I’m talking, aren’t I?” Time said. “And yes, technically I happen to be a familiar.”

“Like one of those D&D things?”

Time grimaced. “No, not like some stupid game! I’m the real thing, damn it!” Then his fur rose and he hissed. “And I was going to say that you have a real special aura for a mere mortal – given that you can both see and hear me – and that I sense tremendous potential in you, and that I could teach you magic and that would make all your problems go away and you’d have an awesome life forever – but it sounds like you’re not interested.”

Time huffed, spun around, and sauntered down the fence back the way he came.

“W-wait!” Tim said, tripping over himself trying to keep pace with the cat. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! Is this all really true? Please, if you can help me – I’ll do anything!”

Time stopped, and turned around.

“Is that so?”

“Yes, please! I’m drowning in debt and… existential dread, I guess.”

“Hmm,” said Time, pondering. He leaned down and sniffed at Tim, his tail twitching. “Fine. Provisionally, I’ll help you, since I’m such a nice guy.”

“Oh thank you!”

“But you must do everything I say, yes?”

“Sure thing, boss! So, what are you going to teach me? Fireballs? Invisibility? Ooh! Wingardium levi–”

“–Stop. Just stop with the pop references, you ridiculous man-child.”

Tim’s face fell.

“I’m going to teach you some real magic. Specifically, some alchemy, which will fix your money woes.”

“Alchemy? Like turning lead into gold?”

“Yeah, like that, except real and not more of your pop drivel. You’re going to turn steel into diamonds. But first, I need to get some supplies, and you’re going to help me. Any questions?”

“Yeah, one. If you’re a familiar, doesn’t that mean you belong to a witch?”

Time sneered. “Close, but not quite. It’s the witch that belongs to the familiar, actually, and mine died recently so I’m currently a free agent. If you play your cards right, maybe I’ll let you take her place.”

“Oh. Uh, condolences?”

“Don’t be. Now let’s go.”

Time led Tim through the suburbs until they came to an ancient house at the end of a cul-de-sac, surrounded by a rusting iron fence that was almost completely overgrown with the wildest vines Tim had ever seen. The pale light cast over the place by the rising moon made every shadow seem sinister.

“Looks haunted,” Tim said.

“Not since 1915. Now come on, get through that gate. Use your shoulder.”

The yard inside was a jungle of weeds and the strangest flowers, all of them choking crumbling statues and the rusted bones of a ’64 Mustang. There was only the barest path that Tim could see, and he only saw it because Time revealed it to him. The cat led him to a rickety shed leaning against the main house.

“What is this place?” Tim asked.

“This is where my former witch lived. I need to get my supplies.”

“Oh! Dude, I don’t like trespassing.”

“Well you’re not, because a) she’s dead, and b) I technically own the place. Trouble is, she was a human and did silly human things like installing locks and locking doors, and alas, that’s beyond my paws. So if you please, pick up that sledgehammer leaning against the shed.”

“Um… okay?” Tim grabbed the very-new-looking hammer, with its fine black 20 lbs drop-forged steel head, hoisted it into the air, and grunted. He looked at the depressed grass where the hammer’s head had been resting. “So is the key under the hammer?”

“The hammer is the key. Smash the door.”

“What!?”

“Just do it! I already said I’m the owner, and you said you’d do what I told you to.”

“Yeah, but–”

“–smashy!”

Tim rolled his eyes, lumbered to the shed door, heaved the hammer up with a herniating grunt, and brought it into and through the door and part of the wall, tearing the front half of the shed nearly off.

Then all hell broke loose.

Suddenly a klaxon started blaring and strobing red lights appeared all around the overgrown garden. Time bolted into the shed – and presumably deeper into the house – shouting one last thing over his shoulder – “The diamonds are on the mantel!” – and then there was a white flash and hiss, and acrid smoke filled the air.

A coughing fit overtook Tim and through his watering eyes he could dimly see a figure approaching – a silhouette on the pulsing red smoke. And then he felt a knee drive into his groin and his senses disconnected for a moment.

When he recovered, he first noticed that the klaxon had stopped. Then he noticed he was kneeling on a lovely Persian carpet, indoors, beside a grand fireplace – oh! indeed there was a diamond necklace on the mantel – and that his hands were bound behind him. And there was something around his neck. A… leash? He followed it to a nearby Baroque couch upon which a woman in a blue tracksuit was lounging – and she held the other end of the leash in her hand.

Beside her stood an ancient brass birdcage, and within was a very pissed-off looking Time.

“Ah,” she said, “the burglar’s back with us.”

“I thought you said your witch was dead, Time?”

“Well she’s dead to me!” hissed the cat.

“Oh, that’s real nice,” said the witch.

“I want tuna and mayo!” Time shouted. “Tuna-mayo-tuna-mayo-tuna-mayo!”

“Well you can’t have it! Not only are you pre-diabetic, but it makes your farts reek.”

“I don’t care! I want tuna-mayo!” Time threw himself against the birdcage with futility and then flumped.

“Well I care, dummy. You’re not killing yourself on my watch.” Then she tugged the leash. “So, burglar. Now what are we going to do about you?”

Tim gulped.

“Let me guess. Time spun you a tale. Made you an offer? Wait, wait, do let me guess. You break in here and, what, make him a tuna-mayo sandwich, and he’ll… grant you a wish?”

“He said he’d teach me magic, ma’am,” Tim said, his lip quivering. “Said he’d teach me alchemy, to turn steel into diamonds.”

The witch snorted. “Naughty kitty.”

“Please, ma’am, I didn’t mean to cause you any harm. Please don’t eat me.”

“Oh boy.” She rolled her eyes. “It seems like you’ve got some deep misconceptions about witches.”

“Sorry.”

“Pretty racist, really.”

Sorry,” Tim whispered.

“Some misconceptions in general. Thing is, I’m obviously not dead, despite what my furry little property might have asserted. And he was locked outside for a good reason!” She turned to Time. “When the nice handsome vet tells you to get off your rolly butt and get some exercise, you damn well better do it!

Time blew a raspberry.

“Next, witches don’t eat people–”

Tim relaxed.

“–outside of Hallowe’en. Ha! I joke, I joke, poor form, sorry, I know. No, we kill irritating people the same way anyone else does.” She dug a handgun out of her purse.

Tim shrieked.

But,” she said, and then clicked her tongue. She dropped the gun back in her purse. “But, Time is a familiar, and if he offered you a deal, that’s formed a bond. Even if it was in bad faith. That means, you weren’t entirely acting of your own free will.”

“So you’re not going to kill me?”

“No, I suppose not. It would be a demerit on my licence, and it would leave a ghastly mess in my living room.” She pulled a cigarette out of her purse and lit it. “Indeed, because of my mouthy little friend here–” she kicked the birdcage “–I’m obliged to fulfil the contract, and teach you some magic.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” she said, taking a long puff. She snapped her fingers and the leash vanished, along with the bindings on Tim’s hands. “So how about this. I’ll free you now, we’ll have a nice meal, and you can rest yourself in my luxurious guest bedroom. And then tomorrow…”

“Yes?”

“Tomorrow, after a hearty breakfast, I’ll…” she leaned forward, exhaling smoke.

“Yes?”

“I’ll teach you the ancient art…” She ran her tongue along her lips.

Tim swallowed.

“Of fixing my goddamn shed.”

May 18, 2023 21:54

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27 comments

Zack Powell
22:56 May 23, 2023

Throw a cat into any Urban Fantasy story or setting and I'm immediately on board. Bonus points if that cat can speak. In all seriousness, I enjoyed this. Tim/Time had a good dynamic (great choice of naming, by the way), I enjoyed the simplicity of the narrative that allowed the characters to shine, and the jokes were plentiful. I love Tim's blase reaction after running into a talking cat. Told me a lot about him right off the bat. One subtle thing I really enjoyed was the use of the title. Tim specifically tells Time that he's studying acc...

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Michał Przywara
22:12 May 24, 2023

Thanks, Zack! I'm glad you pointed out that passage, as that was the effect I was hoping for. I suspect most neighbourhoods have those places where everything seems nice, and suddenly you suspect you must have taken a wrong turn. Kind of creepy-hidden-in-plain-site. Not a lot of plotting went into this one at all, and it was nice to switch things up. Kind of loose with the prompt though, I admit. Thanks for reading!

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Katy B
16:11 May 22, 2023

I always enjoy your stories, Michał :) I always love when stories/poems end on a really strong note and yours certainly does! Thank you for sharing.

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Michał Przywara
21:35 May 23, 2023

Thanks, Katy! Glad to hear the ending worked out - it seemed fitting to me :) I appreciate the feedback!

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3i Writer
07:36 May 21, 2023

This is not exactly faithful to the prompt as the cat isn't a teacher or a mentor figure and does absolutely nothing to cultivate Tim's inner potential, except for tricking him. But because of that, this is the most entertaining read from you so far.

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Michał Przywara
00:45 May 23, 2023

Thanks 3i! Yes, it's a loose take on the prompt. I suppose it was focusing on those who *shouldn't* teach or mentor, maybe taking advantage of their position for personal gain. Usually I put some planning into the stories, but this one was written as it went. I'm glad it was enjoyable!

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Suma Jayachandar
07:28 May 21, 2023

What does a writer with exceptional wit and humour do? Of course he invents witty characters and sets them in a ‘urban fantasy’ world and lets them have a field day:) Michal, I read this earlier on the go and commenting now. The banter between the Time cat and Tim is delightful. And the witch- though she makes a late entry has a solid presence. A couple of lines I liked were, -“The hammer is the key. Smash the door.” 😂 -“Well she’s dead to me!” And of course the last line. This was a quirky and fun read. Thanks for sharing.

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Michał Przywara
21:42 May 23, 2023

Thanks, Suma! Fun was the goal, so I'm glad to hear it read that way :) I didn't have much of a plan for this one - just an idea for a couple characters, and an initial meeting. Usually I plot more, but it was liberating to just see where things took me. I appreciate the feedback!

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07:13 May 20, 2023

Great story. It really capture the vibe of Urban Fantasy. The mystery of the talking cat, and the initially disinterested MC, really had me hooked. Good ending as well. The dialogue was so good! My only feedback is the first sentence felt a bit awkward, maybe its having 'slowed' and 'flooded' in the same sentence, perhaps could be dimly lit, or something like that. After that it all flows beautifully.

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Michał Przywara
21:24 May 21, 2023

Thanks, Scott! I've adjusted the opening. I need him slowing, but I also wanted to establish time of day, hopefully it reads a bit better now. I'm glad the story worked out! I didn't know if I'd even be able to get one in this week, due to an injury and typing one-handed, and it was much more a pants story than a plan one. But it worked out in the end. I appreciate the feedback!

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KANGEE GREEN
22:37 May 19, 2023

I really liked this story. The voice of the cat was very clear. It reminded me of a Studio Ghibli movie called, "The Cat Returns." I also really like "Kiki's Delivery Service." The whole story was very good and I liked the style you have for it.

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Michał Przywara
18:48 May 21, 2023

Thanks, Kangee! The cat was fun to write - I'm glad you enjoyed the story :)

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Delbert Griffith
12:24 May 19, 2023

I just KNEW that Tim was going to be a foil for Time. Clever name for the cat, BTW. What I didn't expect was that there would be two memorable characters in the tale. The witch and the cat combined for some stellar dialogue, and they made the tale so interesting and enjoyable to read. Truthfully, I'd like to read more about the adventures of the cat and the witch. Their distinctive voices and their personalities are pure joy to read. I loved the tale, Michal. As per, you write an engaging tale that captivates readers from the start. Nicely ...

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Michał Przywara
20:47 May 19, 2023

Yeah, it sounds like the witch and Time have quite a history, which Tim just kind of blundered into. A couple other adventures come to mind, so who knows, perhaps they'll return one day :) (Indeed, just thought of a punny title, "Witch 'n' Time") I appreciate the feedback, Del!

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Mary Bendickson
03:09 May 19, 2023

A timely, bewitching, captivating piece of work.

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Michał Przywara
20:49 May 19, 2023

Thanks Mary! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Lily Finch
00:56 May 19, 2023

Michał, nicely done. I enjoyed the read. I guess Tim has never heard the old saying "Never con a con," as it seemed the cat - Time - and the witch were working together in some ways OR the witch knew everything. In which case, she could have prevented the cat from ever meeting Tim in the first place.🤷‍♀️ Regardless this story was fun. I was wondering how you were going to tie that shed in there again. Made me laugh. Time snarled. “ was supposed to be Tim.

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Michał Przywara
20:50 May 19, 2023

Thanks, Lily! I think Time was just blinded by tuna hunger, and it led him to make some rash decisions :) Thanks for pointing out that line. I had actually meant it to be "Time snarled", as the cat's reaction to Tim's unflattering remarks. Looking back, perhaps having two characters with such a similar name wasn't the best call. I'm glad the shed worked out :) It seems like a fair penance :) Thanks for reading!

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Glenna Agnew
17:44 Jun 07, 2023

Loved your story Michal, such witty repartee between Tim and Time. My only comment would be to change the "racist" comment to a "stereotypical" one. It was a nice light breezy read.

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Michał Przywara
20:58 Jun 08, 2023

Thanks, Glenna! I appreciate the feedback, and I'll keep it in mind going forward if this story is ever revisited. Sometimes our word choices don't quite work out :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Amanda Lieser
13:02 Jun 06, 2023

Hey Michal, Oh gosh! What a clever story. I loved the way that you built up the suspense with your characters. I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the punchline with how you tagged the story. I also adored the way you delivered that punchline. It was fantastic! I’d love a follow up story where your protagonists have made friends. Nice work!!

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Michał Przywara
20:51 Jun 06, 2023

Thanks, Amanda! Glad to hear the punchline paid off :) There was definitely a bit of setup work, but you can never tell if it'll work until someone else reads it. I could see a follow up. They're a bit of a dysfunctional crew, but there's lots of room for other stories. Perhaps I'll have to revisit this :) I appreciate the feedback!

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Mike Panasitti
16:39 May 24, 2023

I enjoyed the banter between Tim and Time. Having added a chronological constraint to the cat's granting of the wish would've have been a nice touch and added some irony (and suspense) to the humorous dynamic between the two. When Time orders Tim to break the lock reminded me of the cliffhanger to "Hey Streamer." Could these be termed "Przywarian moments?" The dialectic between the playful and the ominous is a defining feature of many Pryzwarian stories. I wanted the witch to use the phrase "fix my shed" as a double entendre. I b...

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Michał Przywara
20:51 May 25, 2023

Thanks Mike! Those are some excellent points, and frankly missing the chronological constraint for Time is a bit of a facepalm - it fits the story, it fits ideas of magic, it fits the name; it just fits. Definitely something I'll need to keep in mind for the future, or if this piece is ever revisited :) I greatly appreciate you pointing it out, as it helps me improve. I'm pleased to hear the hammer moment had an impact. I wasn't specifically thinking of Hey Streamer, but on reflection, that's the kind of sensation I was going for - that ...

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Unknown User
16:37 May 19, 2023

<removed by user>

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Michał Przywara
18:19 May 20, 2023

It is very irritating when you want something and can't have it, isn't it? Thanks for reading, Joseph :)

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Delbert Griffith
12:24 May 19, 2023

I just KNEW that Tim was going to be a foil for Time. Clever name for the cat, BTW. What I didn't expect was that there would be two memorable characters in the tale. The witch and the cat combined for some stellar dialogue, and they made the tale so interesting and enjoyable to read. Truthfully, I'd like to read more about the adventures of the cat and the witch. Their distinctive voices and their personalities are pure joy to read. I loved the tale, Michal. As per, you write an engaging tale that captivates readers from the start. Nicely ...

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