Star Song

Laying on my back in the vast dark night I feel an overwhelming awe at the beauty above me.  The  heavens are as a velvet curtain backdrop for the stars that fill the universe.  I feel insignificant compared to what might lay among and  beyond, in the twinkling darkness.    

I had been paddling my kayak for hours, this seemingly endless day,  from one out post to the next along the shores of Lake Superior.  The journey has been one of many trials, the wind and waves challenging me moment to moment, the cold spray carried by the wind reminding me the seriousness of my endeavor.  This solo paddle on this great lake, this trip, that was awe inspiring enough but I was certainly not prepared for this.  To be so alone with the wonder of the universe!

Here,  laying spread eagle on this flat outcropping of granite,  there is just nothing between me and the dark openness of the sky.  Initially I  could hear  the earthly night sounds around me,  in the forest,  along the shore, birds and beasts, calling or crying but now there is just this singular sound,  the singing of the stars.  

Is it my imagination?  Or is there a sound that is drawing me into this holy place, this seeming void filled with heavenly bodies?   The sound varies greatly,  deep mellow sounds and then softer,  and then higher in pitch.   A form of fluttering, sizzling hiss.  It is not a music as I have ever heard but it is a form of flowing sound.  Some sounds are deep as bass instruments and others light and dancing as flutes.   I begin to look for a connection between the sound and the various twinkling of individual stars.     I cannot devise the exact source, as in a symphony the instruments blend and become the music, but this star song  is above me and around me.  It envelops me.

When first I laid upon the rock,  I felt the irregular ridges, the sharp edges of the granite digging into my flesh but my tired and aching muscles were happy to just be relaxed.  There was  perhaps,  just a hint of  heat from the sun that had baked the rock and  remained to warm me.  It was a release of the day and the unceasing labor,  it was  a welcoming of the night.  I closed my eyes and absorbed the peace.  The star song seemed to cradle me,  to wrap me in peaceful comfort.

It had been late evening when I stretched my body out on this rock, my belly full of my meager choice of food, plain and yet filling.  My camp was set up and a fire going nicely in a deep rock crevice, I felt content to just let go of the day.  Breathing deeply and feeling the satisfaction of achieving things of my dreams, to be doing this solo paddle on this Great Lake,  I suppose I drifted off then in peaceful rest as it is now much later when  I awake.   The rock is cold,  my fire is barely coals and my body is  becoming stiff from the damp night air.

Even with the change in the atmosphere and the lack of comfort,  I am reluctant to move from this place where I lay totally open to the sky .    Gazing above me once again I notice the sky has darkened even more and the stars appear closer in the blackness.  I feel like I am elevated,  somehow rising toward the heavens and the stars are coming down to meet me.  I am just hanging  there  in this place where neither can I move nor  do I want to move.  It is exquisite this place,  to feel weightless and part of something so enormous.  I feel as though oneness with the universe is very near.  I have no logical thought how I will fit in or how I can add to this beauty.

Each star, each light seems to call me nearer to it.  The songs of the stars have intensified until it fills me.  I feel like I am just moments from being gone,  much higher and much deeper, quite probably never to return.   

At the edge of my consciousness there is  doubt!   Doubt?  How can one doubt?   What could possibly be wrong with this?  I feel like I am being invited in, into the universe.

My head begins to pound,  I feel a dizziness!  I feel disoriented!  I feel fear and with the fear, panic!    I fear I will begin to fall from this place or spin out of control.  How high have I gone?   Where will I end up if I fall?   I cannot understand what is holding me!  I am having trouble with trust!   How can you trust what you cannot understand?  

I grasp at the fabric of my shirt to verify I am still here and this is real.  I must touch something tangible,  I need to try to place the known and the unknown.

“Take control!”  my mind screams, and yet I lay there, breathing deeply and holding so tight to my shirt that  I feel my fingernails digging into my palm.  My heart pounds in my chest,  do I just let go and lose myself to become matter,  some particle of a star?    I close my eyes, I slowly count to ten in my mind,  my breathing is less rapid,  my fear is diminishing .  I count slowly to ten once more.    I am afraid to open my eyes, but as I feel calm returning,  I finally have the courage to open my eyes and find once again all of the physical aspects of my camp are there before me.  

I am back!  Sadly I am back,  I wonder why I was unequal to the task of transition from earth to sky or had the stars found me wanting or was  I just weak and flawed?  I find tears in my eyes and already I am sorry I lacked the courage to become one with the heavens.  

I must see to my fire,  I must change from this damp shirt,  I must somehow try to forget what I have been offered and this devastating feeling of loss.  Getting up slowly,  my bare feet cold on the rock, I pad the few feet back to my camp.  I busy myself,  resetting my fire for a burn of a few more hours.  Finally all is restored at my camp my gear is stowed and I know I must sleep for tomorrow’s journey,  the big Lake is unforgiving and I must be rested, strong and ready.

I walk again to the point of granite where I had been laying.   I stare into the magnificent sky.   I know that this chance may not come again to see such a sky.   The great lake often creates its own weather and so a crystal clear night may not happen again on this journey.   I stretch  my arms outward from my body,  turning slowly I again look up.  At this moment I want more than anything to feel that anything could be possible.  I wish to feel that no dream is out of reach.  I want to feel omnipotent,  but how can one feel omnipotent in this vast array of heavenly bodies?    

I am just a speck,  I have no sparkle,  I have no luminescence!    I am tiny,  so tiny.    

I see now there is a small brightening in the East,  I have wasted most of a night of needed rest.  But was it wasted?  I ask myself, “What do you feel?”    Again tears fill my eyes,  I feel I can rest any night,  tomorrow will be ok and I will always have the night I heard the singing of the stars in my pocket memories.

Finally crawling into my tent and the warmth of my blankets, I set my wrist alarm.  It is already early or late but I will lay and feel warm and remember for a bit before my journey continues.  As I close my eyes,  I can clearly see the magnificent sky,  it is as though I lay on the granite again,  I see the sky and I hear the stars singing!