Victoria’s Secret!

(Write a story about another day in a heatwave.)

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This morning I planned to get a very early start to beat the heat and the disasters that seem to befall all of us at the worst times.  So far this week, I have been in the wrong lane when a car ahead of me overheated and sent clouds of steam billowing from it’s radiator.   Of course everyone quickly tried to move over a lane and it became immediate gridlock causing two more cars to blow their radiators too.   It was a mess.  

Yesterday I felt things were going well until some knucklehead whipped out from behind me where he had been tailgating, and put his foot into the throttle,  quickly gaining speed to pass several of us but he had been following so closely he hadn’t seen the warning  “LANE CLOSED!!!   BUCKLED PAVEMENT!!!    The heat wave had caused the pavement to buckle upward forming a ramp.  And as you can imagine, he pretty much launched himself into space.  He drifted right and when he came back to earth, he was half on top of a SUV in my lane.   Everything came to a screeching stop and a couple cars ended up like accordions.

So today, I was up before the sun and thought I would have the highway to myself.  It was good planning.  Finally off the expressway and into the city, I found yet another nightmare,  some transformer had blown and traffic lights were out across much of the downtown.   There were altercation after altercation  as everyone thought they deserved the right of way.  Horns were blowing and there were hand gestures and yelling,  swear words and just very belittling name calling reflecting on a person’s intelligence!  Fifty minutes and four blocks later,  with the help of some of the boys in blue,  they got things sorted out as the city finally marked alternate routes and things began to look civilized again.

This is just a heat wave,  not an alien attack or an Elvis appearance back from the grave.   Just heat,  it cooks people’s brains.  Judgement goes out the window and emotion rules the day.  Rude and angry,  ugly and impolite,  it cooks out all of our niceness.   

I was beginning to think maybe I should bring an overnight bag to work and sleep under my desk in my air conditioned office.   But then as luck would have it,  by the end of the day,  something, and I’m not sure what, but assume it was heat related, something happened to the elevators and I had to hike down from the forty eighth floor in a stuffy poorly ventilated stairway ending up soaking wet with my own sweat.  Do I want to come back here tomorrow??   Not on your life,  but I owe I owe,  so off to work I must go!

Finally feeling a bit better about being in my own car and traffic moving slow but steady,  I decide not to cook tonight but do a quick drive through and pick up a sandwich and fries,  a nice jumbo cold drink and then home to relax.

Um!  Yes!  You guessed it.  Another slow moving mess!  And order got dropped out of the drive through window onto the ground and the poor sap who ordered it now must wait but there was no room to pull ahead,  and so we sat and sat and sat!

This is all because of a heat wave?   Or stupid folks?  Or lazy folks!  Or or or?

Well finally out of that line with a soggy bag of soggy fries and now I’m on the last leg of my journey.   Almost into the neighborhoods when I come up on a street full of kids and a gushing fire hydrant!   The kids are screaming in such delight it is hard to be angry!  My inner child wants to join them!  Get out of my car,  suit and all and get wet and forget about the word heatwave!  There are cars behind me trying to back up and go around the block and so we wait again.

Finally the fire department shows up to cap the hydrant and a fireman holds up his burly arms and stops everything.  Next he waves me on,  first to get out of that mess.  I could have hugged him but that would have created yet another traffic blockage.

Finally my block,  my alley,  my garage,  and a huge sigh of relief!  My clothing is sticking to me and my drive through supper looks sad indeed!  But I’m home,  I’m actually home!   I smile a sweaty smile, wipe my forehead with the sleeve of my $139.00 Egyptian cotton shirt and make my way inside.

That is when I first saw her!   My neighbor lady.  Or rather, the woman who lived next door.  I could not believe she was in her yard in her Victoria’s Secret lingerie!

The neighbor lady, who I can’t avoid seeing out my window is not young,  she is much more than pleasingly plump and she is in her skimpies!  She is in my direct line of sight.   She and Snookie her doggie.

This heat wave is bringing out total disregard for manners or appropriate behavior.  On other hot days,  I have seen her sharing her grandkids wading pool with her dog, her feet in the water and her dress hiked up to her thighs.  The dog keeps shaking himself and the pooch smelling water showers all over her.  

But this is going beyond.   I had no idea Victoria’s Secret items came in those sizes and while I never objected to how little they left to the imagination before,  I certainly objected now.  Oh my God, it is happening to me too!  I’m losing my manners,  I’ve lost my sensitive good nature,  live and let live,  I’m becoming rude too.

I pray the heatwave ends soon as I can only imagine how she will appear next.  It may be time to cover my window with that opaque film meant for privacy.

I immediately went to the computer and texted my office.   

“I’m sure I’m suffering from heat exhaustion,  my doctor recommends staying cool and quiet for several days,  lots of fluids and rest so I will not be in tomorrow.  I will keep you abreast of how things are going!”

Next I keyed in Amazon and ordered the privacy window covering just in case this lasts a few days more.   One thing I’m certain of,  I’ve seen enough of my neighbor’s dog.   If you get my drift!