The Search for Eden

April 6^th, 1846

Papa showed me some pages from his newspaper today. It showed some kind of advertisement but I couldn’t tell what it was for. It was some drawings of big fields with lots of corn and wheat. There were so many animals everywhere and everyone just seemed so happy. Papa asked if I wanted to go there and I said yes straight away. Everyone looked so happy and I wanted Mama and Papa to be like that again. They had been shouting at each other more recently, they are under a lot of stress. Mama said she didn’t like all of the moving that we have been doing but Papa kept saying that we needed to do it. He says he is trying to make a better life for us. They don’t like it when I listen to them but I can’t help it. Papa told me to pack a bag and that we would go somewhere that’s like the drawings but he said that first we would have to travel for a long time. He was out a lot today getting things to put in the wagon. He came back late and stayed downstairs for a long time talking to Mama but they weren’t shouting this time which was good. Mama told me that I would have to look after my sisters when we were in the wagon because I was the oldest. I started to pack my bag with everything I needed. It isn’t too hard because we have only been in this house for a little bit so I know how everything goes into the bag.

April 15^th, 1846

They woke me up early this morning and told me to bring my things downstairs. I had my bag ready next to the bed with my doll Clarabelle on top of it. I got dressed into my Sunday best which Mama says that we need to wear for leaving town. I looked out of my window and I felt a shiver of excitement because just outside our door was our new wagon. I counted and there were twelve oxen in front of it. I could see their breath in the air like little clouds. We got into the wagon and I helped to pull my sisters up and we all sat together under a big rug. It was still dark outside but Papa said this was important because it meant that we could get very far today. There were a few people gathered around just outside our house to say goodbye but most people were still in bed. Papa said we don’t have to go very far for now but the journey to the place in the pictures is long. I asked him if I could have the pictures and he cut them out for me with a big pair of scissors. I tucked them into Clarabelle’s dress so I could look at them whenever I wanted. The wagon started going when the driver hit one of the Ox. I didn’t like that sound but I did like how the wagon swayed when we moved. It was very warm under the rugs and we all fell asleep very quickly. I dreamt of the big fields of corn.

April 26^th, 1846

I haven’t been able to write in my diary recently because we have been travelling. It is hard when we are moving because we all need to work so hard. Papa says we need to help to keep everyone happy and to help with the food and that when we get to where we are going there will be lots of time for writing. There isn’t enough space in the wagon for everyone to ride so the men have to walk next to it because otherwise the oxen will all get too tired. Papa says I shouldn’t write so much because there are other jobs we have to do like cleaning the wagon and fixing things that break. He says we still have weeks and weeks in the wagon, but I don’t mind. They seem to have forgotten all about my schoolwork and there are more interesting things to look at than in the town. Mama says we need to be careful with our food and water and she gave me the job of looking after it all and making sure everyone gets the same amount. We are mostly eating bread and dried meat but I like it so its okay. Papa says when we get to a town called Independence we will get some more food. I think it’s a funny name for a town but I am excited to eat some new food.

May 27^th, 1846

We have been through Independence but it was a lot less interesting than I thought. Papa bought lots of new food and water but says it is mostly more dried meat and bread because it has to keep for the long journey. I was sad about this because Papa said we would have some other food to eat but at least I did get some when we were in the town. There weren’t many other children to play with in the town and I miss my friends from the schoolhouse. Most of the days are the same so I don’t have much to write about so I save the paper. We joined lots of other wagons last week and now we have a big line that looks like a snake. I have been drawing lines on the side of the wagon so that I know what the date is for my diary. Earlier today, we had to cross a river and we all got to help build a raft. Then we all floated the wagons across the river which was very fun. Mama and Papa have been arguing a lot but I don’t really understand why. Papa keeps saying something about a man called Hastings but I don’t know who that is because we don’t have anyone called Hastings in our wagon snake.

July 19^th, 1846

Papa says it’s a big day for him today. We keep splitting off and now there are less wagons with us than before. Papa has been put in charge of the party now and he says that is very important. People seem to be listening to him now and he has to make lots of important decisions. He says that we are going through the mountains and across a big desert but that some people didn’t like that way so they are going on a different route. I think Papa’s way is better and he says it will be really quick and we can get there much faster.

August 29^th, 1846

This is the first time I have been able to write because we have been very busy. Papa says that’s what happens when we all travel in the wagons and that everyone needs to help. We have set up camp for a day so Mama says I can write in my diary for a little bit instead of schoolwork. Something very sad happened the other day, one of the people from the other wagon died because of the consumption. Papa says its nothing to be worried about and we all had a funeral for him and buried him by a fork in the road. I prayed for him tonight to make sure that he gets into heaven. Papa says we won’t have much water for the next few days but I don’t mind because I don’t like drinking water anyway.

September 8^th, 1846

We made it to the other side of the big desert even though we ran out of food. Papa managed to guide us through it and everyone was okay. Mama is very proud of him and I am too. We have made a camp now and Papa went out to hunt for some food. I had lots to drink from one of the streams which made my stomach hurt but I feel a lot better now. Papa says we will set off once everyone is feeling better.

October 16^th, 1846

Lots of things have happened recently that I haven’t been able to write down until now. Two of the wagons got caught up while we were going up a sandy hill and the two drivers got very angry at each other. Mama wouldn’t let me see what happens but I heard one of them hitting the other one with his whip. I don’t know what happened next but both of them went away and we had to stop for a long time. Mama wouldn’t let me get out of the wagon but I think something bad happened to them. We also saw some Indians watching us from far away. They were riding horses and followed our wagons for a while before disappearing. The next morning we had lost a lot of the Ox’s and Papa says that it was the Indians and that we can’t trust them. He says they stole a lot of them and that is very bad so I don’t like the Indians anymore.

October 29^th, 1846

We have made it to the mountains now and Papa seems more worried than I thought he would be. Mama says he is worried about the snow but I am excited about that because I have never seen snow before.  I prayed for snow in the evening but then felt guilty because Papa doesn’t want the snow so I asked God to take it back.

November 20^th, 1846

The snow did come in the mountains and Papa got very sad. The wagons wouldn’t move very far and the Ox all got too tired. Papa made the decision to camp by a big lake that was frozen over. Mama made me stay in the wagon while all of the men chopped down the trees and made a shelter. It was really cold and we got all of the rugs and all lay under them together. I don’t like it because Papa is upset but I am excited to go and play in the snow although Papa says we won’t be here for very long and we will be moving again soon.

November 26^th, 1846

We are still in the camp area even though Papa said we would be moving by now. I don’t like the snow anymore because there is so much of it. It gets all piled up over night and makes it really dark in the cabin that Papa built. We moved all of our stuff into the cabin and made it as warm as we could. I didn’t like it because all of the Ox’s were outside and were getting cold but Papa said we would need to eat them anyway. He chopped them up and cooked them on a fire but there wasn’t much meat because they were so thin. Papa says the food from the wagons is running out and people keep asking him what they are going to do. He says that we will stay and wait for the snow to melt. Everyone is split up into different camps around the lake wherever they could find the wood so everything is very quiet.

December 16^th, 1846

A big group of the adults met today and Papa says that some of them are going to go and try to find some help. Mama says its not too bad and that they just need some more food but I know that its not good. Everyone is very hungry and some of them aren’t very well. But Papa says that these people are going to find someone to help us and I know that Papa will find some way to save us. Seventeen people left with some snowshoes strapped on and started walking away over the mountains. I watched them leave until I couldn’t seem them through the snow falling and then I went back inside the cabin. I’m quite hungry but I don’t want to complain to Mama and Papa because I think they have a lot to worry about.

December 25^th, 1846

I realised that it was Christmas today but no-one else was interested when I said that. I said a prayer and asked God if he could help us to get out of the snow. Papa has been boiling up the hides from our things and that is what we have been eating but my belly keeps rumbling and I am really hungry. I thought that the people who went over the mountains might have come back by now but Papa says he doesn’t know what has happened to them. I think God will help them through the snow and that they will come back with lots of food. We don’t have any cattle left and Papa is struggling to find any wood so we are only building small fires. I am cold but so is everyone else so I just wrap the rug around me even tighter and try to go to sleep. I don’t think about how hungry and cold I am when I am asleep. Papa says that some of the other people have died but we are all still well so I think God is watching over us.

January 19^th, 1847

We are all still well but every day I feel even weaker because we don’t have anything to eat. One of the men managed to hunt a deer but by the time Papa got some there wasn’t much meat left. He gave it to us instead and said he wasn’t hungry but I know that wasn’t true. We still don’t know where the snowshoe people are but Papa says that they will come any day now. I sleep most of the time but my stomach wakes me up.

February 6^th, 1847

The snow is still here but Papa says that Spring will come soon and melt all of the snow. We are almost out of hides to cook but Papa says when the snow melts everything will be okay. My hands are almost too cold to hold the pencil but I want to keep my diary so I know what happened. Papa showed us one of his toes which was all black because of the cold but apart from that we are all mostly healthy. We heard word from one of the other camps that a lot of people have died because of the cold and having no food. I hope that doesn’t happen to us.

February 28^th, 1847

Papa came into the cabin today and said he had found some meat that we could all eat. When Mama asked where it had come from he wouldn’t tell her exactly but said he had traded it with one of the other camps. He cooked it on the fire and bought it back in. Mama tried to stop me from eating it but I was so hungry that I had as much as Papa would let me. It tasted different from the Ox we had before so I thought it must have been a deer or something one of the men managed to hunt. I liked it and fell asleep feeling a lot warmer than before. Mama wouldn’t eat it and she says she doesn’t feel well. Papa tried to make her eat but she wouldn’t and they started arguing in whispers so I couldn’t hear them very well. I think Mama doesn’t like the meat for some reason.

March 1^st, 1847

It started snowing again heavily today even though it hadn’t snowed for a week before. Papa says that we need to eat some more of the meat that he bought back but Mama still won’t. Even with the food, I feel so cold and I don’t like the snow falling onto the cabin roof. Papa is looking more and more unwell each day, but he still goes out trying to find things to eat. We never heard anything again from the people who went over the mountains and even Papa says they won’t come back now. More and more of the people from the other camps are dying. Papa says that he hasn’t seen anything from the others on the far side of the lake but that he will go and check on them.

March 2^nd, 1847

Papa went to check on the others and came back looking even more unwell but he did have some more meat for us. He says that lots of the others have died and I try to be sad for them but we have lost so many that it is hard. I try to say a prayer for them but I can’t focus enough. I am so glad he managed to find something for us to eat because otherwise we surely would have died already. Even Mama ate it this time but we had to have it raw because Papa couldn’t find any wood for a fire. The cold is unbearable now and I can feel it seeping into my bones. The meat tastes strange on my tongue but I must keep eating to stay alive. My fingers can barely grip the pencil but I want to finish this day even if I can’t do another. I want to sleep now so much, I am just so tired. I can barely hold my eyes open. I think I will just go to sleep now. Mama and Papa are already sleeping so I will lie down next to them and go to sleep.

Elitha Cumi Donner- 1847