Sorry

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

Sitting on the edge of the ramp, grey concrete coats every surface, every view, all dull and lit by industrial florescent linear fittings. Three metres off the ground, they line the hanger, shamelessly eliminating any hiding spots. Except five circuits covering the further reaches are off. A couple all-terrain vehicles, bikes, and the like litter the space, patches of shadows now a plenty.

Louise has been staring into them. Everything dirty brown and powder grey, like opening of The Wizard of Oz. They should hire this draining oblivion out to yoga groups.

Mark sits down next to her, close but not intrusively. He’s not a talker, so the takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry about, you know” Louisa blurts out. She’s the only bright thing in the room in her blue workout top. Marks eyes take a second to adjust.

“What, I mean you don’t have to its fine. Its… its just I didn’t realise. Or consider and, I’m sorry.”

“Huh? What are you apologising for? I fucked up. I’m an embarrassment, just… It doesn’t come easy to me and that’s fine, you guys, you guys have all this history you know where you stand and I’ll get there, I’ll figure it out.”

“I’m not sure we have it all figured out exactly…”

Mark sways his feet, then stops abruptly and straightens up. He’s not a child on a swing. Louisa is fiddling with her hands; she does that a lot, Mark notices. Picking at her nails, not biting though but he bets she used to. When she’s frustrated its all in her hands, clenching them and being clumsy. She needs to sort that out.

“I can’t believe I did that! And in front of Tariq as well and everyone.” Face in hands she mumbles “I can’t walk back in there, this is mortifying.”

“It’s fine, I’m sure he’ll forgive you, they all will.”

“But I don’t deserve it! And you…”

“I forgive you. I…I actually feel pretty ok about it. It was bound to happen at some point.”

“I really screwed up.”

“You kind of did.”

“I…I want you to know that I respect you.”

“You don’t…”

“No, I do.” She turns to lock eyes with him and somehow takes hold. “You work so hard and try not to let it show. You’ve helped me so much, I guess I want you to be not mad at me and, proud I guess.”

“Thanks. I think I want that too.” She turns away but he lingers on that thought. Those words.

“I will work harder; I promise I will be better. For you.”

“You don’t have to do anything for me. If you want to be better do it for yourself.”

“Yes sir.” She smiles, staring at her hands again. She’s coming down from the panic.

Mark stares at the nearest 4-wheeler, a couple drops of mud still spattered from yesterday’s activities. Whoever was on clean up will get an earful. Should he go now? When do you leave after consoling? Is it complete? Is there a debrief?

“It was Denny.”

“What?”

“The mud. Denny was playing with the hose yesterday and missed a bit. Was going to let him know when I head back in.”

“How…”

“I was staring at it for like ten minutes…”

“No, how did you read my mind?”

She laughs.

“Are you kidding? Your buzz cut grew quarter on an inch and your eyes shot out like daggers. I may be shit at fighting but you’re OCD beams like a traffic light.”

“I don’t have OCD. And you aren’t bad at fighting. And you need to stop swearing. And its traffic signal, you are in America now.”

“You literally just said I screwed up; I’m never going to get it and I’m never going to be able to protect myself.” She’s sinking again.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Um, yeah you did. You agreed with me. I screwed up, and I’m gonna try harder, you’re going to make me try harder. It just doesn’t seem like I’m getting anywhere, and I keep trying and trying and everyone was watching and God you all built me up like I’m some magical savior and I’m just useless...” She’s breaking.

“Wow wow wow, what are you talking about?” He grabs her hands, prying her fists open withdrawing her nails from her palms.

“The…. the practice, the fight. I fucked up. I didn’t keep my arms up, Tariq got easy shots in didn’t break a sweat. I’m not expecting to pummel his face in the ground, but he didn’t even try, and I forgot everything you taught me…”

“Lou, I … that’s not…” Her eyes narrow at the sight of his face dropping, almost weak and exposed. She hasn’t seen him like this before.

“I don’t understand. Mark, what did you think I was talking about?” She’s not comfortable being the more unwavering of the two. He blinks, like a deer in headlights.

“You said…. the comment you said to Tariq, you don’t remember?”

“Wait, I screwed up by talking? Jeez walked into that one..” She pulls away grasping the ledge and finds a dark spot to fall into.

“You don’t remember. You said… you were trying to through him off, like I told you. But you said…” Spelling it out is hard. Caught off guard he’s grappling for a for the words and stumbling at every option. Gulping his nerves down he finds his centre and exhales. “You commented on me. And him, you…referenced the other day and…”

“Mark. Sorry, I…I might be misunderstanding. Did...did I out you? Shit did I out you both. Oh shit…”

“Stop swearing.” She freezes, absorbing her actions in a new light, fighting the urge to put her foot in it again. And failing.

“You know they all know right? I mean you two just ogle at each other like teenagers…” He shoots her a warning, confused eye before staring at his feet.

“I…we haven’t put a label on it yet.” Mark takes two slow breaths, and Louisa holds her own for the duration. “I haven’t put a label on myself yet, I haven’t really had time to think or…I dunno…”

“I’m sorry. Truly I am.”

“I know.”

“I don’t think what I said was that bad.”

“That’s now what you’re meant to say after outing someone.”

“Yeah but it wasn’t that bad.”

“You called me his boyfriend.”

“I was getting in his head!”

“Louisa!” Mark stifles a giggle. She’s never heard him giggle before. Or talk so much. Maybe she should shut her mouth more often. “Seriously the one time you do what I say.”

“I’ll apologise to Tariq. Later, privately.”

“He’ll like that.” His lips arch into a brief smirk. “Though he’ll probably laugh it off.”

“Just like you Chuckles.”

“Haven’t forgiven you yet.”

“You did earlier…”

“Didn’t count! You had no clue what you were apologising for!”

“So, you don’t care I’m an incompetent freedom fighter?”

“Oh, I’m going to drill you so hard.”

“That’s what he said.”

“Lou.”

“Sorry.”

They stared ahead.

“We really should park them better.”

“Like I’ll ever let you drive one…”