Hope Unspoken

The air was warmer than she had hoped it would be. It seemed to stick to her skin and shrink her jeans as she sat outside the coffee shop. Outdoor seating was generally only an option in winter months for her, but he was partial so that’s where she went. She sat there looking at his bright eyes and honest smile trying to convince herself of what he was communicating without words. Her own stubbornness covered her eyes like rose colored lenses painting the world in terms that she could accept. She broke down the looks in his eyes and the words coming from his lips and rearranged it all. She would be safe as long as he wasn't interested so she would re-write the narrative. The problem was that he wasn’t someone who could be re-written.

“This isn’t a date,” she told herself as he asked yet another question about her family. 

“He isn’t interested,” she laughed at herself as he leaned in to really listen. 

“This is must be obligatory in some way,” she pressed herself as he laughed a laugh she loved hearing. 

“Don’t do this again,” she reprimanded herself as an odd calm settled over her.

She didn’t need a relationship. She paid her bills. Achieved her goals. She was fulfilled. She was strong and steadfast. She wasn’t emotional or needy. A hand would be nice to hold, but so was having a bed to yourself. Yet, as she sat there sweating in the kind of humidity that only Florida could produce at 7 o’clock at night she knew something was shifting. She was finding herself moving into a

calmness she hadn’t experienced before.

Men had always made her nervous. It wasn’t a physical fear, but an emotional one. She told herself they were complications. She convinced herself they weren’t worth the effort. She went so far as to tell herself she just wasn’t built for them so why take them from the women they belong with. It sounded saintlier to make yourself the hurdle you are removing to help someone’s race toward love instead of being the person who gave up the race as soon as the first hurdle arrived. After her initial 9-year hiatus from dating she had dipped her toe only to find nothing tempting about dating. She was at the end of her twenties and the men she gave some of her time to only convinced her she was wise to let them race off toward their fates without her. Now, she sat there 2 years after her intentional, but misguided attempt, at dating she couldn’t admit her own excitement. This man sitting before her was too good to trip up. He had to be for someone else. That feeling in her gut couldn’t possibly be because she desperately wanted to be the woman at this finish line. 

“Be less charming,” she snapped as she crossed her arms and caved in on herself slightly as he laughed again. 

“Find a way to wipe that sweat off your upper lip,” she panicked wondering if he could see it. 

“No, leave it,” she corrected herself. 

“Is he that nice or do I just feel safe?” She asked herself as he asked another question about her.

She always thought she was truly heartbroken when she broke up with that guy in high school. She convinced herself her anger toward his betrayal encouraged her speedy recovery. The truth was she was hurt, but relived. She was able to step into adulthood with as little to risk as possible. She was able to step into the unknown with at least one concrete variable: she could handle life on her because she could count on herself. Singleness was no longer the consequence, but the goal. She convinced herself that THIS was her calling. Now, as she stood on the last year of twenties, on the cusp of a new decade, she wanted to protect herself from the unknown again.  

“Am I safe because he isn’t interested or because he is?” She asked herself as his multi-colored eyes lit up with the additional color of humor. 

“Your twenties were fruitful because you avoided this,” she explained to herself. 

            She convinced herself she would never be as safe as when she was alone. She had spent a decade proving herself capable of that. Now, was not the time to relent, but his eyes were just so beautiful and his large hands were captivating. His face was ruggedly handsome and he seemed tall enough to see over her ego. He was funny and more importantly he thought she was funny. 

“He shouldn’t compromise his life for you,” she sighed internally as he hunched his shoulder forward to accommodate her lower perspective.

            She noticed him check his phone and told herself she felt relief that he wanted to leave. She couldn’t admit that she was disappointed their time was ending. After dancing around him for so long she could feel what it did to her to be in his spotlight. She couldn’t want this…

“I don’t have time to waste,” her mind screamed knowing she was more afraid of being considered a waste of time. 

“I wouldn’t mind just a little more time right now,” she quietly thought. 

            She stood up, trying to clear away the sweat on her face hoping she didn’t leave any behind in the seat, and laughed as he finally noticed. She followed him through the coffee shop and walked through the doors he held open. He led her with gentle confidence and she liked that, but told herself that wouldn’t be enough to combat her stubbornness. He gave her the expected side hug as they made it to her car and thanked her for giving him her time.

            She smiled at the ground and responded in some generic way. Then, she got in her car before the disappointment set in. It wasn’t a date. It was just coffee. She told herself he wasn’t for her because it was too much to admit she was the one who didn’t fit. She drove away luaghing off her hope.

“I told you,” she said out loud in her car.

            She got home and sat in the car for a moment letting the hope and disappointment wash off her. She pulled up the E-brake and got out of her car leaving it unlocked behind her. Then, she walked in to see her roommate, her best friend, her most trusted person waiting for her. She smiled and shrugged.

“It was just coffee,” she said with hallow humor.

            Then, she went to bed waiting on a text she couldn’t admit she needed. After all, what is stubbornness but the inability to accept things that are outside of your neatly defined reality. The more she wanted him the less likely it all became.

And so, she went to bed telling herself, “What nice moment…I’m thankful for it," to her only truly trusted person.