The Thrill of the Chase

You look at your watch. Perfect. You’ve timed it just right. Fashionably late. The last of the guests have just gone in. You take one final look in the mirror to check your hair and makeup. You get out of the car and iron out any creases in your dress with your hands. This is it. Someone holds the door open for you and you step inside the church. Your high heels, and your nerves, make you unsteady.         

    The organists are playing away, setting the mood. Most of the guests are seated. The groom is at the altar with his best-man beside him. Immediate family are in their seats at the front. The bride will be here soon. She will take her place. Where is your place? Where does the other woman sit?

   You sit on the end of a pew next to a couple in one of the rows in the middle. Ideally, you wanted to sit at the back so you could make a quick escape if needed, if your nerves got the better of you. Oh well. You’re a bit too late. It’s either this seat or having to stand the back. Not in these heels.

You look at him. He hasn’t seen you. Probably best. Without knowing it, you are back there… two years ago… with him.

*****

It’s your first week in your new job. You’re all over the place. There’s so much to take in, so much to remember, so many new faces. You’re standing at the coffee machine. White. Decaf. Black. Espresso. Latte. So many choices! You feel overwhelmed.

   “The cappuccino’s good, if you’re into frothy coffees,” he says casually.

    He’s standing quite close, a bit too close for a queue. You feel his words at the back of your head. You turn to look at him. “Yes… I am actually. Frothy coffee it is!” You press the ‘cappuccino’ button and wait for your cup to fill. You want it to fill quickly so you can get back to your desk and out of his way.

    “I’m Josh by the way.” He’s standing beside you now, so you can see him.

    “I’m Grace.”

    “So, how are you finding it here Grace?”

    “Yeah, it’s good.” You don’t want to let on that you’re secretly drowning. “There’s a lot to learn but I’m getting there, slowly.”

    “You’ll get the hang of things pretty soon. Give me a shout if you need anything.”

    “Thanks.” You scan him. He’s well-built, more footballer than rugby-player. The contrast of his tanned skin, dark hair and green eyes is striking. You are struck!

*****

He often comes over and joins you in the canteen at lunch time. He makes small talk. You mainly respond. He lives out of town and commutes to work. One evening, after over-time, he asks if you want to get some dinner. You accept his invitation. You go to the Italian place down the road.

Who’s going to start the small talk? And what will the topic be?

   “So, is there anyone special in your life?”

    You’re a little shocked by the suddenness of his question.

“There are lots of special people in my life.” You sound like you’re flirting. You’re not sure if you are, or if you’re just more relaxed with him now.

    He looks surprised by your tone. “Really?” He starts to smile. “You know what I mean, Grace.”

    “Do I?” Has the wine already gone to your head? You need to slow down, you’ve got to drive home afterwards.

    “Yes.” He looks serious now.

    “No. There isn’t anyone special in my life.”

    “Do you want there to be?”

    Do you want there to be? Your dad left when you were twelve years old and you haven’t seen or heard from him since. No birthday cards or Christmas cards. Nothing. Your mum’s had a few boyfriends but they never seem to stick around, probably because of her erratic moods. And you’ve dated a few stinkers too. Do you really trust anyone to be in your life?

    “Maybe.”

    “Then why isn’t there?”

    “There isn't anyone special enough, I suppose.”

    “Maybe there is but you just haven’t noticed him.” Is he flirting with you?

    “I doubt it. How about you? Is there anyone special in your life?”

    He sips his wine. “Yes. There is.” He takes another sip of wine. You almost choke on yours.

    “You have a girlfriend?”

    “Yep.” He downs the last bit of wine.

    You’re lost for words. You don’t know how to react. What on earth are you doing here drinking wine in a restaurant with a man, a colleague, who has a girlfriend?

    “You look surprised.”

    “I am ... a bit.”

    “Well, it’s true.”

     You didn’t disbelieve him in the first place. You were shocked.

    Silence. You know he’s watching your reaction. You are aware of your reaction. You want to act differently, but how? You’re relieved when the waitress brings your food to the table.

    “Finally,” says Josh, breaking the silence. “I’m starving!” He tucks into his meal. You simply stare at yours. You’ve lost your appetite. It’s replaced with an ache inside your stomach.

    “Grace, I hope this doesn’t change anything between us. I really enjoy our chats. We’re still friends, right?”

    “Yes,” you say, without thinking about it. You’re still aching inside. “Yes, of course.”

    Josh is wolfing down his lasagne and garlic bread. You simply pick at your risotto. In fact, you’re hardly aware of what you’re eating.

*****

It’s a warm, sunny summer’s evening. You’re home from work. You’re sitting on the sofa, sipping cold white wine and enjoying the refreshing breeze through the patio. Josh is there with you. You’re not sure if it’s a good idea. You shouldn’t have let him invite himself over. Too late now. He’s already here. The bottle of wine’s almost empty. But, there’s plenty more in the fridge. And, the pizza’s on its way.

    “How long have you been single?” asks Josh.

    Most of your life, more or less. “Just over six months.”

    “Was it serious?”

    “Not really.” Not that serious if he was happy to date other girls while he was seeing you.

    “What happened?”

    “Nothing really. He just wasn’t as serious about me as I’d thought.”

    “I’m sorry. Not all guys are like that.”

    You are, you think to yourself. Technically, Josh isn’t cheating on his girlfriend. You try to convince yourself. You two are just hanging out. In your flat. Just the two of you. Drinking wine on the sofa.

    Josh tells you that he lives with his girlfriend. She travels a lot with her job so she’s often away during the week. You don’t dwell on the details.

    You feel like you’re on fire. He’s been chasing you and so far you’ve been running. But you haven’t been running to escape him. You’ve been running to make him chase you even more. You don’t know when he’ll catch you but you know he will. And then what will you do?

You both eat your pizza ravenously.

    “So, what’s for dessert?”

    “I don’t usually have dessert. There might be some ice-cream in the freezer. I’ll go and…” You stand up to go and have a look but Josh grabs your wrist and pulls you down to the sofa next to him.

    “Maybe later…” He kisses you. You kiss him back.

    You don’t know how long you’ve been on the sofa with Josh. When you open your eyes and look out of the patio, you notice that the sky has become dusky.

    Josh has finally caught you.

*****

It’s been six months since you first met Josh. He’s still chasing and you’re still running. But, the chases are getting shorter and unions are longer. Josh has practically moved in. Well, during the week anyway. He’s got a toothbrush and razor in your bathroom. At weekends, he goes back to his house, back to his girlfriend. You don’t know where this is all going. You don’t know the destination but you are enjoying the journey, that’s for sure. And that’s enough for now.

    “Grace, can I tell you something?”

    “Sure.”

    “I’ve never felt like this about anyone. The way I feel about you.”

    “Don’t be silly! You’ve got a girlfriend. You love her. You must do!”

    “Yes, but with you … it’s different. I’ve fallen for you.” You don’t know whether to believe his words but his eyes are telling the truth. “Have you fallen for me?”

You can’t answer. You just look at him. Then, thankfully, he kisses you, and you kiss him back. That is your answer.

    It’s not perfect, you know that. But what relationship is? It’s all about compromises. You understand that you have to be patient. Josh has to be considerate. Him and Kayleigh (you don’t like saying her name) have known each other for almost ten years. They met at university. He can’t just leave her. You know that. Yes, it’s difficult when she calls him or texts him when he’s with you. It’s hard for him too. You have to understand that. You do. You just have to block it out somehow. It won’t be like this forever. Sometime soon, he’ll finish with her and then you’ll be a proper couple.

    You remember the first time that Josh invited you round to his house. His girlfriend (you avoid saying her name) was away on a work thing that weekend. You’d felt uncomfortable, like an intruder. You’d almost left. But Josh put you at ease. He’d got your favourite wine and cooked your favourite meal – macaroni cheese with extra cheese on top. Still, you’d barely slept that night, in his and his girlfriend’s bed. The room smelt of her.

    Now, it doesn’t bother you when you go over to Josh’s when she’s away. You’ve started to borrow her hairdryer and drink her coffee. You’ve even worn her dressing gown. Perhaps your standards have dropped.

*****

A house in the country. A wedding. Children. Holidays abroad. You talk about all of that. Well, Josh does. You simply listen while he describes your dreams to you. And that’s why you know it’s true. He is telling you what he wants … with you. Just imagine Grace, you and me, sipping pina coladas on a white sandy beach in the Caribbean. Or, You’d look amazing in that wedding dress! Or You’ll make a great mum one day!

    “What are you doing next Saturday?” Josh asks.

    “I don’t know…” Then you remember. “Oh it’s Valentine’s Day.”

    “Yep. Have you got any plans?”

    Is he being serious? What plans would you have? Everyone knows the other woman doesn’t get to spend Valentine’s with her man.

    “No plans.”

    “In that case, I’ll come round and we can spend a romantic weekend together. How does that sound?”

    “Sounds great!” You want to ask about her. Valentine’s is on a Saturday too. Maybe things are coming to an end between them. Best not to ask questions. Just be there for him when he needs you.

*****

Valentine’s Day is perfect. He treats you like a queen. Flowers, chocolates, a designer bracelet and dinner in a fancy restaurant in town. It’s now Sunday afternoon, he has to leave. You don’t want him to go. You start to miss him even as soon he’s gone.

    You can smell his scent in the living room, musky and manly. He’s forgotten his jacket on the sofa. You go to hang it up. Something falls out from the pocket. It’s a receipt. Authentic Jeweller’s. The finest jewellery store in town! You shouldn’t look but you’re curious to see how much your bracelet cost. As you take a sneaky peak, you feel like you’re betraying him somehow. £1,850. You look at the item name. 1.2 carat, 18 carat white gold engagement ring. You check the date. Friday 13th February. Josh is going to propose! You read on. Ring size: L. Last detail. Customised engraving: Kayleigh and Josh.

    You call Josh. Your hands are shaking. You are shaking. You don’t know what you’re going to say. He’ll be driving. You don’t know if he’ll answer. He does answer.

    “Hi Grace, you ok?”

    Your words don’t come out.

    “Grace, are you there?”

    “I found the receipt.”

    “What?” Either the phone connection is breaking up or Josh knows you’re onto him and he’s trying to play dumb. “What receipt?”

    “The receipt for the ring.”

    “Grace, I can explain.” What is there to explain? “I’m driving and it’s just started to rain really bad. I’ll call you back in a bit.”

    He calls back half an hour later. Every one of his pathetic words makes you sick. I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t intend to fall for you. I thought you needed someone to give you some TLC. You knew I had a girlfriend. I don’t regret a single moment. If things were different… I can’t let Kayleigh down. I can’t break her heart. How would you feel if someone did it you?

    You can’t listen to anymore. You threaten to tell his girlfriend that her fiancé is a lying cheat. Then you hang up. He rings back but you don’t pick up. He rings over and over again. Finally, he leaves a voicemail.

    Grace, it’s me. Look, I’m really sorry. You can’t tell Kayleigh. It was never meant to turn out like this. You weren’t supposed to find out like that. You can’t tell her. She’s done nothing wrong. We can’t break her heart. I’ll never forget the last seven months with you. I want us to stay friends. Don’t tell her. Please, Grace. You can’t do that to her.

*****

You check your phone. You make sure it’s on silent. Everyone’s in their place. The bride is at the altar. You weren’t going to do this. But seeing him in the office day after day, bragging about his wedding and honeymoon. His threat to get you fired if you dared to tell his fiancée about the affair. The wedding send-off drinks yesterday. You have to do this. It’s your duty.  

    Josh’s voicemail is all queued up. The vicar starts the ceremony. You are here to witness the joining in matrimony of Kayleigh and Joshua. If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, he or she should declare it now.

    Your hands are sweating. She looks so happy. She doesn’t deserve this. You open your bag to put your phone away. The phone slips out of your hand and falls onto the floor. Everyone turns to look. Josh sees you. Kayleigh looks at you. Josh is horrified. He turns red. Kayleigh looks at him looking at you. She looks at you and then again at him. You pick up your phone. You accidently touch the voicemail button. Josh’s voice. Grace, it’s me. Look, I’m really sorry… You hit stop. Everyone is looking at you. You want to walk out but don’t want to attract any more attention to yourself. Josh is still looking at you. Kayleigh is looking at him. She is red in the face, but no longer from blushing. The vicar continues.

    You wait for the happy couple to walk out of the church before you get up to leave. The photographer is taking photos of them outside of the church. You walk past them without looking at them. You hope that they don’t see you. You’re about to open the car door.

    “Excuse me.” Kayleigh is standing right behind you. “Who are …”

    “Kayleigh, come on, the photographer wants to get a shot of us with the whole family.” Josh looks at you like you’re stranger. He tries to guide his bride away from you.

    “Josh says he doesn’t know you… but, the voice on your phone…”

    “Kayleigh! We can do this after. Come on.” Josh is shouting at his wife.

    “Do what?” Kayleigh wants to know. “Who is she, Josh?” She’s looking at Josh straight in the face. He is struggling to hide his frustration. “Josh. Who is she?”

    “Just someone from work.”

    “What’s she doing here?”

    “I don’t know.”

    “I’m sorry.” You try to open the car door. Kayleigh stands in your way. “I really shouldn’t have come.” Josh is angry. You need to leave.

    Kayleigh won’t let it go. “I want to hear that message.”

    “There’s no need for…” Josh tries to pull her away.

    “Let me go!” She snatches the phone from your hand and holds it in front of your face. “I want to hear it!”

    You see the contempt on Josh’s face. You want the earth to open up and swallow you up. Josh wants that too.

    “Play it.”

    You have no choice. You take the phone and press play. Kayleigh is taking it all in. The colour has drained from her face. Josh looks like a runner who’s just lost the biggest race of his life. You feel the adrenaline drain from you. You have done what you came here to do.