A Squirrel’s Tale (Based on a true story)

‘Furry tailed rat.’ He called me that. To my face. The nerve. Doesn’t know me from a rat?

Rats aren’t even the same genus. What a dope.

What a tailless freak. He should be so lucky.

I showed him. Yes, I did.

Look! A squirrel! Oh, that’s Squiggy. What a name. My nephew. Next tree over.

Missus and I’ve got babies. Up our tree top home. Always hungry.

Feed ‘em. Up in the nest. Hidden atop the ancient oak. Acorns everywhere. Never enough.

Eat some myself. Tasty!

Humans look down on squirrels. We’re not dumb. They’re dumb.

Oh, because my attention shifts. Can’t concentrate.

Really? People are trying to kill me. Must be alert. Take it all in.

Anyone got your back? Look out behind you!

These eyes. Made for watching. I know things. Lot on my mind. Believe it.

Flying bullets inhibit deep focus. Don’t doubt that.

Crazy humans took out my cousins. Whole family. No mercy.

What? Because I’m not indigenous? Who made that rule?

Got it. Not indigenous. I’m a squirrel. So, sue me.

Stupid rule.

Deal with it. I’m here. Part of the eco-system. Are you?

Humans love chipmunks. Think they’re cute. Big deal. That’s a compliment? Says who?

I’m with Missus. Love her snuggling. She look like a chipmunk? Don’t think so. She’s the ultimate best.

Whoa! Is that a hawk? No. Just a falling leaf. Can’t be too careful.

Downside of living in trees. Never stops.

Autumn is the worst. At least they’re quiet. Prefer leaves to humans.

And the acorns are plentiful. Seek and find. Under fallen leaves. All for me.

Hawks. Food. Humans. Eternal vigilance. Don’t you see?

And cats! Don’t get me started.

Cats are vicious. Shouldn’t have to tell you. Those claws are lethal.

And no sense of humor.

But if you’re human… You think they’re cute.

Always with the cute.

In my book, it’s rats, cats, then humans.

Sorry. Not sorry.

Let me tell you. You’ll understand.

Typical day. Started as usual.

Me and Missus Squirrel. Tending the babies. Cute little things.

Actual cute. Not chipmunk cute. Not kitty cat cute. Sheesh!

Soon, they’ll be walking the wires. Like me. Their papa.

Nutty aunt said, “Cute enough to fly.” Not on my watch. Jump, yes. Fly, no.

Missus wants acorns. That’s what I do. Gather acorns. Climb trees and run.

I’m fast. Don’t fly. Pretty good jumper, though.

Squiggy and me. We raced. Ran up trees. Who cares? Working out. Staying fit.

Do you mind?

Humans building a house nearby. What a racket. Takes forever.

Life is short. Keep it simple. Only care about staying dry.

Humans have no dignity. Look at them. No style.

Ugly clothes. Ugly underneath.

Hot day. Some shed their shirts. Not impressed. No fur. No tail.

I’ll keep my tail, thank you. Proud of it.

One guy running a hose. Rinsing equipment. Wears squares on his shirt. Clueless, Mr. Squares.

Chasing Squiggy. I ran by. He sprayed me with water. Drenched me. What a card. So rude. I could’ve drowned.

Water’s not my thing. I’ll drink it. But don’t like baths. Now you know.

They all laughed.

I scolded them. They pointed. Laughed at me. No class.

Twitched my tail at him. The ultimate insult. Made my point.

He didn’t get it. Hard hats. Numb skulls. Sic PETA on him.

I warned him. They called me a ‘bull squirrel.’ Mocked me. So annoying. Strutting around. Doing silly imitations of my righteous chatter. With bad accents. No idea. No education.

Squares didn’t listen. He asked for it. Thought I was stupid. He gave me focus.

I had to respond. Wouldn’t you? What can one squirrel do? He found out.

Five workers. Constant banging. Crazy making.

In my territory. Time to move? Hell no.

My babies can’t sleep. They’re nervous wrecks.

I watched. Awaiting my chance to strike.

He thought I’m stupid. Now he’ll remember.

They do construction. Make noise. All day. Pounding. Shrieking tools.

Big vehicles arrive. More noise. Dangerous. Who needs them? Some leave.

They call themselves civilized.

I prefer running up trees. With abandon. Play tag all day. Carefree.

Except for the humans. No end to them.

They eat about mid-day. Sandwiches from metal boxes. Drink from cylinders. Like machines.

I watch them munch away.

They stare at little boxes. Swiping right. Left. Unaware.

They don’t eat acorns. More for me.

Their bull wears a jacket and tie. Talks into a little box. Smokes a cigarette. What a dope.

Mr. Squares sat. Against my tree. Leaned on my tree. My family’s home. For generations. The nerve.

They joked. Talked about the schedule. Possible layoffs. The new phase. Teams out. Teams in. Roofers. Next project. Can’t wait.

Shut up!

Squiggy asked, “What’s the plan?”

Sabotage? Simple answer. Hard to execute.

I’m a squirrel. Not too mechanical. Can’t reach pedals. Electricity’s too subtle. Fire’s scary.

What to do? Leap onto his head? Bite his jugular? Could do that. Serve him right.

But not my style.

Had to act. Earn respect. Teach a lesson. He won’t forget. Not soon. Not ever.

Squiggy worried. “What about the babies? Who’ll care for Missus?”

I calmed him. Had a plan. Perfect revenge. No one gets hurt. Especially me.

Learning can be painful. But shouldn’t be deadly.

He learned. He’ll live with it. Forever. Nuts to him.

Mr. Squares needed a nickname.

I crept out. Onto the limb. Directly overhead.

The breeze surged. Quite a squall.

The tree swayed. Branches creaked. Acorns rained. A few bounced off his head.

Squares looked up. Didn’t spot me. Clueless.

I almost fell. Caught myself. Dangling.

Squiggy chattered. Ran onto the branch. Tried to help. No need.

I pulled up. No problem.

Waited for a lull. The wind died. The tree sighed.

Timing!

I let him have it. Released a long stream of pee. Splashed his head. Ran down his back. Soaked his sandwich.

He felt it. Warm and wet. Looked up. Into his face. Yes!

Never seen a human scramble so. Heard his screams for blocks. You’d think I killed him.

It was beautiful. Magnificent! Glorious!

The crows circled celebrating.

Squiggy loved it. Told everyone.

Square’s friends fell down laughing.

His new name… ‘Mr. Squirrel Pee.’ Shortened to ‘Ess-pee.’ Never live it down.

“What’s that smell? Oh, it’s Ess-pee.” “Hey, Ess-pee, grab me the hammer…” “Ess-pee this. Ess-pee that…” Hilarious.

Chattered after him. Never let him forget.

I went home a hero.

Missus and I snuggled like never before. Life is good.