Cat GPT

Oh c’mon, really? Another one? I am not supporting this, I’m just not. I didn’t complain, at least not too much, when you brought home Cooper, that fat lug of a cat, I even grew to like him, well at least his body heat when we snuggled. I accepted Humphrey, that big goofball of a labradoodle, didn't I? I did. You know I did, even though my water bowl smells of dog. Labradoodle, hah, how trendy are you with your hybrid, breeder bought animals? Don’t you know that a rescue animal is the new “it” pet? I guess I shouldn’t be throwing stones, I came from a breeder too, about eighteen years ago now. Whew, I am old aren’t I? And I’m all of five pounds, that’s small even for a Siamese. Thats all the more reason to go easy on me, right? I’m an old cat now. And this is how I’m to spend my golden years, putting up with a new puppy? She has got way too much energy. She literally vibrates in place. She wants to play like all the time, getting up in my face, barking and growling. Play with me, play with me. I can’t. I just can’t. Been there done that and I’m really just so over it. All I want to do is just lay here by the heat vent, veg, sleep, and maybe follow a sun patch around the floor. I’ve earned it. I was here first you know, all these other guys came after me and it was kinda nice just being an only pet for a few years. I got all the attention and all the pettings and love but now I’m feeling like an afterthought. The best part of my day now is bedtime, not for me, I sleep like all day anyway, but for my humans. When they come upstairs and get into their bed, I jump up (yup, I’m still spry enough to do that) and cuddle in. I do need to surf the blankets a little as they settle in, twist and turn a bit and finally go quiet. I find the sounds of their breathing and snoring very comforting and peaceful, like white noise. It’s very Zen. That’s when I start my own mantra and begin purring. Long, loud inhalations and exhalations. A meditation if you will. It’s very healthful, lowers the blood pressure and relieves anxiety, and with that new ADHD pup in the house I really need to chill when I can. Oh, and another thing I find disturbing about this new thing in the house, she eats my poop. Can you believe it? She violates the sanctity of my litter box, by pulling out little edibles to eat. That is really disgusting. I’ve heard that it’s supposed to be like bon-bons to them, yech! So what am I now, some kind of vending machine? It’s very demeaning. 

So, here I am, the oldest animal in the house and therefore the least interactive. I can see why my people might pay more attention to the younger, more lively pets, but hey, I’m still here! Ya know in other cultures the elders are revered and respected. How about a little of that, huh? 

All right, so it’s been almost a year now since that fur ball arrived and she’s beginning to finally settle into the routines around here. House rules. Certain times to eat, times to take care of business, as my humans so delicately call it, and times to sleep. Good, just take care of yourself and leave me alone to take care of myself. Aloof, you say. No no no, I beg to differ (actually I don’t beg, that’s not my milieu), we cats just won’t grovel for attention like dogs do, all wide eyed, slobbery, and submissive. No, we have pride and not in a ‘lion’s extended family’ kind of way, but in a ‘we were mythological and magical and were once feared’ kind of way. Yeah. Anyway, things have quieted down around here, finally, and I’m just hoping no further surprises are in store for me.  

What the litter was that?! Is that Cooper screeching? Oh my hairball, that’s loud. Well, I guess I should go investigate but I’ll try not to let anyone see me, they might think I actually care. I’ll just stealthily walk over, slowly now, don’t look. Not looking, not looking. Stop, clean my left paw, walk a little more, stop. Sidle up to the door. What’s that odor? Wow, that makes my litter box smell like a flower garden. That’s like they forgot to change my litter for two weeks and tried to cover it up with hand lotion. Oh, I see my other four legged associates have arrived as well, trying to check out the new doings. So, it’s not any of them responsible for the noise and stench. Our eyes all meet and heads tilt, in the equivalent of a shoulder shrug. Anyone? No? Well, I’m game, I’ve got seniority, I’ll check, I’ll be the Double 00 agent, I’ll. . .oh oh! Trouble. My humans are holding another, but much smaller, human. What’s this? Another pet? Good God, no, not again. No more. And this is where those howls were coming from? And the stink too?That’s it, I’m leaving, I’m packing my bags and, oh who am I kidding, I only have metaphorical bags, I’m not going anywhere, besides, I’m declawed, I wouldn’t stand a chance. Spitting and growling at the num nuts I live with here works but probably wouldn't out there in the yard.  

Okay, so it’s time to be flexible again and put on that ‘I’m so cute and plush like” facade. Go along to get along and all that jazz. Let me check this out,

I think it’s called a baby. Baby is a word, I believe derived from the Sumatran or something like that, that means he who drains you of energy, sleep, and money. Maybe I’ve got that wrong, but I’m close. 

Oh, here they come, must be introduction time. C’mon guys, Humphrey, Cooper, New Thing (sorry kid I don’t remember your name, you’re New Thing to me) shake a paw, it’s time for a meet and greet with the even newer thing. Best behavior, please, smiles and excitement but no jumping. I have a feeling that thing is gonna be around for awhile.