Thinking about Waiting

I still couldn’t belive that I was actually here. Sitting here in this hospital waiting room with the fluorescent lights and all these nervous people waiting. Now I was one of those nervous people sitting in the white chairs just nervously twiddling their thumbs. This was just unbelievable. I mean, I just wasn’t the type of person to be wrapped up in things like this. That was for people like my sister, Claudia who was still in college and partying every night. Wild as she might be my sister would be there for me whatever happens. My husband on the other hand wouldn’t. He claimed to just be “getting some fresh air” but I asummed that in reality he just couldn’t stand to sit with me for any longer. Claudia was passed out in the chair opposite me and she was twitching sharply in her sleep. We had been here for nearly two days now and she was still a little hungover when she came. My father had left the hospital to get some decent food to eat, but he was thirty minutes late. I though he might be stopping at a gas station to pick up some cheap cigarettes without me knowing. I always hated those cigarettes and he knew it. The suspense seemed to be killing everyone else. At least they could sleep. The suspense seemed like it was drilling a hole into my skull and every minute that I was waiting the hole went deeper,got bigger wider. I guess I should be grateful to even have people get with me. I saw people enter and leave this wa area alone many times now. Whatever happened I knew that I would not be walking out of here alone. I would always have my family. My father, Lauren my husban, and my sweet baby sister Claudia. I knew that my husband hated me right now and that he probably couldn’t stand the sight of me, especially with what we were waiting for, but I never thought that he would leave me. That was just to much for me to even handle, and right now as I waited I was handling an awful lot, yet I still know that I would always have Lauren. I didn’t deserve him. I knew I didn’t, I had always known that he was to good to me. I felt like I was drowing in shame at what I had done. He had given me six happy years of marrige and I repaid him by cheating on him with the local bartender. God, I can’t even describe how disgusted I am with myself at what I had done. I was the whole reason that I was sitting in this white chair, inside this hospital, waiting. And Harry wasn’t even here. Harry the local bartender that ruined my marriage by getting me drunk and sleeping with me. Not that I would even want him here, just that this could be a big moment in his life and he didn’t even bother to show up. Anyways if he had shown up it would have only made this waiting worse because legally he can be here. My husband might have left, my elderly father might have attempted to punch him, and it would have just doubled my shame and misery. I sighed heavily and started tapping my foot against the leg of my chair because sometimes when you do that it makes you feel like you are doing something to speed time up. I knew in my head that these things take time and that hospitals are very busy places, but in my mind I was yelling at the doctors to hurry up and that we should have gotten to leave two days ago. My head and my mind are two different things. When I was at the bar that Harry was working in my head I knew I was a married woman and that I probably shouldn’t have 5 to the tequila shots and the two beers when the bartender has been flirting with women all night. My mind was in the different place then. My mind was in a happy drunken place where I wasn’t worried about hangovers or husbands or seducing bartenders. I found myself wishing for that happy place as I yawned and shifted in my uncomfortable chair. This may be the most stressful horrible thing that I have ever had to do, but I was only 27 so I’m sure that I would have a lot more stressful situations before I died. I was jerked away from my thoughts when the same daunting hospital bell jingle alerted me that my husband had come back. I gave my best shot at a smile but I could tell that my “smile” looked more grimace. I was not very good at smiling on command as easy as it sounds. Lauren sat down two rows behind me disregarding my clear invitation to sit beside me. He closed his eyes as if he were trying to fall asleep. I knew he wouldnt be able to. He must be stressing nearly as much as I was. His behavior made me think back to the question I’d asked myself hundreds of times by now. “Why did I have sex with Harry?” Was it just me being drunk, was it that I simply had a moment of weakness, or was it something else?” Maybe it was something of greater meaning I’d told myself. Maybe I really wanted to sleep with him because for some unseen reason I was unhappy with my marriage. But I had looked over it in my head over and over again and I was happy with my marriag. I lived Lauren more than anything in this world and I would never want to chest on him. “Except that you did” I dully reminded myself I chewed my lip anxiously and I rubbed my stomach as if to protect it from my worries and my stress. My life was about to change in a very dramatic way and I wasn‘t even sure if I would have my own husband to comfort and help me along the way. I was so helpless. Right now all I could do was wait while my future was being decided while my life was thrown around like a football. I had to keep telling myself that worry wouldn’t change anything and I finally decided to try and sleep. “ Mrs Patterson? Excuse me Mrs Patterson?” I sat up so quickly my head started to spin. “Yes? Yes do you have news??” My doctor had finally returned and I really hoped that we were done waiting. “ Mr Patterson you can come to we are going to go into the examination room to talk. I’m sorry I was told that a man named Harry would be joining us to talk about the results?” “ He didn’t show up I’m sorry” The doctor took us into a small room with a bed where I sat down. “ I’ll need you to answer some formality questions please. I just have to ask why you are here and identify all the facts that we have again” I nodded still trying to calm my restless nerves. “ So you are currently 18 weeks pregnant Mrs Patterson correct?” I looked away from my husband in shame and nodded. “ And you have been her waiting for your results to find out who is the father of your child?” I nodded again my eyes filling with tears as I saw my husbands face. I couldn’t imagine what this must be like for him. We loved each other so much and I was the one gess it at about having a family and now I may be having another mans child. “ I do have your results if you would like me to read them to you now Mr and Mrs Patterson” “ That’s fine you can read them now“ Lauren snapped coldly “ Based on the paternity DNA test that Nicole Angela Patterson took 3 days ago the results of that test are that Lauren Gary Patterson is the paternal father of this child” I was flooded with relief instantly, but I wasn’t sure how to react because I could never tell what he was thinking. The doctor claimed to have another urgent patient and left ubruptly, leaving us alone. Laurn spoke very quickly and very business like once the doctor left. “ Since the child is thankfully mine we will need to learn to trust each other agian. And I suggest that we do so by starting couples therapy. If we are ever going to get back to the marriage that we were in then we have a lot of work to do” I nodded and Lauren got up and left. I rubbed my stomach one last time and breathes a sigh of relief before hoisting myself up and walking out of the examination room.