The Path of a Stargazer

Trigger warning: self-harm

I opened the shutters and took a deep breath of the upcoming summer breeze. The sun was almost set and the stars were waking up as my grandma put it. “Grab your blanket Brini.” I sighed it was warm enough without my blanket, but I did as I was told. I smiled to myself, mom was not home again and who knows if I would get to see her again. I opened the front door, the familiar creak of the house built in the 50s for the 70s, there the smile of the only mother I knew, my grandmother. “Snuggle in; Did you remember bunnie?” I pulled him from under the blanket, he was a gift on the day I was born, a companion for life. The bench was perfectly placed in the alcove of the front porch. The comforting wind floated into our hidden sanctuary making me deeply inhale the warm loving air. “The bright ones that do not shimmer are the planets, look there it’s Venus.” I listened enthralled almost as if I was listening to an old mythology story from ancient history. “Now the beautiful glittery stars are providing life to other worlds far away.” I was fixated on the light years away worlds full of imaginative possibilities from different creatures to alien flora. The colors the different planets could be and the skyscapes if they had intelligent life form filled my mind with galactic thoughts. She would hold me close, the smell of Noxzema, her cure all to skin care and it was in every memory of her. My eyes felt heavy with the comforting sound of her voice as she named off the planets in our solar system, while I drifted to images of distant unexplored galaxies.

               The bruises and arguments were getting worse and my grandma was starting to take notice. The multiple nights my mom would disappear leaving me with my grandparents who thought they were finished with raising children had taken its toll. “You can’t keep leaving her, I’m not her mother, she isn’t my responsibility.” Mother hung up on her that night and I quietly slunk away with a pair of scissors, I dragged the blade across my arm for the first time feeling some control over an uncontrollable situation. I continued as red lines and irritated lines emerged from the pain of feeling unwanted. As I inhaled the night air, I laid my arms at my sides and looked up at the diamond bliss of the night starry sky wondering if life was like this on another planet. The stars showing off their glow, all proud to be themselves.  

               It was cold that winter night as I snuck a cigarette on the side of the hospital where no one had been standing at. The memories of sitting on the porch with her, all flooding in, all wanting to be heard at the same time was making my head split open. My heart realizing that this may be the last time I ever see my grandmother alive again, none the less realizing we would never have a night on the porch again. Tear streaked my face as I looked upon Venus praying to anyone out there listening to help heal my grandma, the hospital looming in the background like the reaper at the end of your time. “I can’t lose her,” my secret whispered into the wind hopefully the weight of that sentence could reach someone who could actually do something to save her. My whole life was ahead of me and I was going to lose the only mother who cared for me.

               Graduation was not something I had planned to accomplish but there I was, named called, I felt more alone with all of those people around than the day I had to bury my grandmother. I received my diploma with a not give a damn face and not even stopping for pictures. She wasn’t there to see me graduate, the fact that I survived high school continues to baffle me. I didn’t think I was going to make it since I let my depression run the show for quite some time. Life had dealt enough bad hands my way and now I was stuck with the person I hated the most, my mother. My father was worse though, I was the first mistake and he threw me away as such. Astronomy still haunted my imagination and fueled my creativity. I let the blackness in and it consumed me like a black hole, decisions made all out of pain and hurt. The twinkling hot bodies blew me heavenly kisses that night, butterfly kisses her signature, “Grandma?” The wind swirled and brought the Noxzema breeze right into me, I could feel her. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply opening my eyes to see the night sky with star light fading in and out. I waved, “Hi grandma, well I graduated not sure how long I’ll be alive, but I hope to see you soon.”

               I look up to the night sky, my old friend, as I was hiding behind the closed gas station so my boyfriend didn’t beat me and our unborn child again. I sat there and the gates of emotion came flooding out, “Why did you leave me?” I held my belly as I filled the night with tears and pleas for someone’s help. “Grandma, I’m far from anyone I knew with a baby, I’m lost and you aren’t here to find me. What do I do? I’m so tired.” I lay on the dirty asphalt with my jacket as a pillow watching as the night sky shimmers granting restful nights for all around the world. My eyes grew heavy, I knew I had to get up in case He found me or someone even worse. Was there someone worse though? I asked myself as I wrapped my belly with my jacket to keep my baby warm.

               The doctor told me I was already 5 cm dilated and I should head to the hospital after the appointment was over. So being, the sensible new mother I went to where I was staying and did laundry. I was beyond terrified and basically alone, my boyfriend was cheating and beating me, I was not ready to be a mom. I was scared to have a kid with a monster, but I was depressed enough that I hoped he would end me eventually. I stalled outside the hospital looking to the sky for a familiar face in heavens, it had been a year since I talked to my mom, he didn’t want anyone knowing where I was. I needed reassurance from a parent, way to frightened to see any comfort, I walked into the maternity ward ready to never see the night sky again. “My baby is the only life that matters please keep her safe.” The nurse looked at me while my idiot boyfriend was on his phone, glimpsing the life I’ve had she places her hand on my shoulder to reassure me everything will be alright for both me and the baby. I fought back the floods of tears after years of loneliness and feeling invisible to everyone around me. I watched as her face changed from sympathy to helpless sorrow as I put my emotions back in control. I followed the single tear that rolled down her cheek and onto the cold clean floor. The sun shown in the middle of the blue cloudless day, the stars weren’t out yet but I whispered to them anyway, “I’m scared” was all I could mutter before a pain that you can’t even imagine began. A beautiful being from the stars themselves was placed into my arms and she was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. All the pain and dark thoughts disappeared as I stayed in that moment smelling her, a new smell occupied my mind. That was the day I stopped noticing the night sky until the night I fell in love and he broke my heart.

               The world grew black after I finished the whole bottle of vodka, smoked all that I had, and cut up my arms. Police entered my apartment woke me out of my attempt to end my own life. The officers took pity on me and took me to the hospital to treat my internal and external wounds. The ones inside were infected from years of trying to patch them myself with more bacteria. I was ashamed to look up at the sky for my grandma to see me hitting rock bottom. The dark battle raged inside of me for years leaving battle scars on every inch of me, the darkness was turning the ones closest against me. The battle was for my soul and I was at the point where I was ready to not feel anymore. My heart was ice and my love for the stars destroyed. I loved my daughter, but I thought she would be much happier without me.

               He’s out in the backyard grilling some burgers for our family, while my three girls watch me explain the stars and the planets the way my grandmother had taught me. My oldest who I protected smiles as she plays with her little half-sisters, she was the best big sister to them. She was going to make a great mother one far off day from now. I never thought I would find absolute happiness with all the pain I harbored inside, but here I am alive and healing every day. My husband walks over and grabs me from behind as we look up together at Venus with all the other far off stars shine over us with their ethereal light, “I love you grandma!” A shooting star flies over as my family looks on in awe, I smile knowing my grandma is still watching over me and my family.