By Any Other Name

By Any Other Name

           I sat at the bar nonchalantly stirring my fruity drink as I glanced out of the corner of my eye at the man at the other end of the bar. He was average looking, his watch said he had a good job. The stains on his shirt collar and his nervous habit of rubbing his left ring finger said his wife had just kicked him out. There was something so…sad about him.

He would make an easy mark tonight.

I stood up suddenly and his head jerked up, I mean he really couldn’t help it. I was gorgeous and the flashy metallic silver dress really didn’t leave much to the imagination. My hair was blonde today, I’d painted my lips bright red.

Just like a flag to a bull.

I could see him watching me as I walked towards him. I could feel his eyes on my back as I went past him to the jukebox and slid my quarter in. I played Hannah’s favorite song. She was bubbly, she liked small dogs that could fit into a purse, and she worked retail. Hannah was a good all-American woman looking for some fun in a bar. She liked things that sparkled.

I sauntered back towards my drink, but the man caught my arm. I feigned surprise.

“Excuse me miss, but you left that drink unattended. You never know what someone else might have done to it.” He had a New York accent, Brooklyn maybe.

Beverley had been from New York. She’d been a brunette who liked books and a nice glass of wine.

“Did you see someone do something to it mister?” I asked. Hannah had a twang, the T-sounds were especially hard for her. I sank into the stool beside him detangling our arms.

“No. But let me buy you another…just to be safe.” He spoke fast, his eyes shifted.

“Okay sugar as long as your wife won’t mind.” I looked pointedly down at this right hand covering his left one.

“Oh!” He held up both hands with a slight grimace, “I don’t have a wife…not anymore.”

I could still see the tan line, “Hey, I’m sorry about that, but I’m sure a looker like you won’t be free for long.” I swatted his arm lightly as the barkeep brought us two new drinks. I sipped mine as I watched the man through my lashes. “So you have a name or should I just keep calling you sugar?”

“Yeah, I mean my name is Wayne. I’m not from around here, just a business trip you know. The business trip that broke the camel’s back.” Wayne threw back his entire glass and motioned for another.

Did I want the watch or was there something else he was hiding in his room that I wanted more?

“My name is Hannah, I’m not from around here either if you can believe that. I used to live in Atlanta.” I laughed lightly. One small truth.

“I’ve never been. My boss only sends me here. The Dallas plant, the flagship plant, the best plant you’ve even seen.” He downed his second glass.

“What is it you do for a living?”

Wayne narrowed his eyes for a moment as if trying to decide if it was safe to tell me, “I’m an engineer. Mostly I just draw up machine parts for jets and the like.”

“Oh…that’s fun. Like for the commercial airlines.” I flipped my hair over my shoulder, Wayne tracked the motion hungrily.

“No mostly military contracts. I am supposed to deliver these new designs…” Wayne trailed off his eyes suddenly turning fearful. I motioned turning a key over my mouth and then throwing it over my shoulder with a tittering laugh.

“Don’t worry sugar I won’t tell a soul.”

I knew what I wanted now.

…

I threw the blonde wing and the obnoxiously red lipstick in a draw and Hannah was dead. I pawed through a pile of brunette wigs and pulled one at random.

“Hello Tiffany. I hear Chicago’s cold this time a year.” My voice shifted as I moved to makeup next painting my eyes an electric blue with black eyeliner and striking wings. I shimmied into a pair of skinny jeans and a crop-top that had the Bear’s logo on it. I put the wig on and smacked my lips in the mirror.

…

The game was on, people were screaming and the floor was sticky with spilt beer. Tiffany loved this place, she loved the grunge and the smell of too many people packed into a room. She loved not being able to hear herself think.

I sat at the bar watching the game with rapt attention. I ordered a beer and tapped my fingers along the ripped glass as I waited for him to walk in.

He was late.

His flat cap hat looked out of place as he shimmied through the throng of people to the hardwood bar reflecting the large TV screens above. He held his briefcase close to his chest and I felt the corner of my mouth twitch up in response.

“Jeremy.” I said and his head whipped around to settle on me. He squinted through his thick glasses trying to see the resemblance to who I had been the last time we met. Satisfied that he wasn’t going to he sat down beside me. He didn’t relax his grip on the briefcase.

“Who are you today?” he asked harshly and I just smiled.

“That isn’t how you should treat a lady Jeremy.” He just rolled his eyes.

“Oh come on, we’ve been through this rigmarole a dozen times now. Each time you’ve been someone else, somewhere else, with something that I’m sure wasn’t yours to begin with. We don’t need to play this game…Savannah.”

Ah, Savannah had been a red head. She has like going to the beach and was obsessed with birds. She had met with Jeremy in the observatory. It had been beautiful that night, the stars stretched on for miles. My dad used to take my sister and me out camping and we would just lay in his truck bed staring at the sky for hours. It was easy to lose yourself in a universe.

“You must have me mistaken for someone else, sir.” I said and Jeremy took the hint. He knew we had to play the game. He knew the rules.

“Of course, my mistake.” I could tell he wasn’t into it and I sighed.

“That’s alright, I just have one of those faces.”

Jeremy snorted and tried to cover it with a cough.

Suddenly I was angry, “Look if you don’t want to do this I’m sure there are plenty of other men out there who would be my partner. You need me more than I need you.”

Jeremy turned serious, “Walk with me…outside.”

I just rolled my eyes. Tiffany wasn’t afraid of anyone, she was tough. I stood up and Jeremy tried to take my arm, but I shrugged him off. “I know the way.” I spat as I headed for the door.

Once outside I dug through my purse and pulled out a cigarette out. I put it between my teeth, but stopped short of lighting it. Tiffany was trying to quit. Jeremy appeared at my elbow and directed me to the little boardwalk that the sport’s bar stood in front of. We set off together, I dropped the cigarette in the garbage.

“Okay so we have been doing this for months now and I know absolutely nothing about you.” Jeremy started.

“We don’t need to know anything about each other.” I told him, “I get the stuff and you get the buyers. It’s simple, easy.”

Jeremy snorted again, quieter this time. “I don’t even know your real name.”

My real name. There was something I hadn’t thought about in a while.

“I mean you’re good, I’ll give you that, but every time we meet I never know who you are going to be. I never know if I can truly trust you.”

“And you think knowing my real name is going to help you with that?” I asked watching as his knuckles went white around the handle of his briefcase.

“It’ll prove that there is something real about you. That not every word out of your mouth is a lie.”

Real. What was real anyway, no one had wanted to know the real me. No one ever gave the real me anything. The real me had been stepped on and used. The real me had let him walk all over her and then he had left. He left me with nothing.

“How would you even know if I were to tell you the truth?” I let Tiffany’s voice slip away and Jeremy raised his eyebrows.

“If you told me it was the truth, I would believe you.” 

I looked out over the dry channel, the streetlights illuminated small piles of garbage and stray newspapers. He told me that I meant more to him that all the stars in the sky. He told me I was the only girl who mattered to him. That had been before he met her I suppose. Then she became the only girl who mattered.

She was smarter like Beverley, bubblier like Hannah, stronger like Tiffany.

She was nothing like me.

I heard he married her. I heard that they have kids now. I heard that he is happy. I still wondered.

I looked at Jeremy, everything was written in my eyes. I was the soft one, the one who got hurt. Even my sister told me so when she took him.

“It’s Rose.” I said finally, “My real name is Rose.”