REGRETS

"Not everyone deserves a second chance", this was Kira's words to me as she registered her displeasure towards me on account of my betrayal to Taoma.

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Taoma and I have been buddies since childhood. We met first at Saint Paul Anglican Church, Lagos, after I and my parents relocated to Banana Island, Lagos, Nigeria.

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I am the only child of my parents, and so, Taoma became my friend and sister. Our fondness and closeness made both parents closely knitted and related. We celebrated our birthdays together too. We are both May borns (I was born on May 6th and Taoma was born on May 10th).

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Fortunately for me, I got enrolled into the same school with Taoma, and we shared same seats...best friends forever. Although, to me, Taoma isn't just my friend and sister, she is also a savior to me.

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I am a thalassemia patient. And several years back, I was admitted into the hospital and needed a blood transfusion.

Prior to then, my parents never knew they were carriers of thalassemia, and that I had become a patient of thalassemia. My parents couldn't donate blood as they were carriers.

Taoma offered to donate her blood. She feared I might die.

I was in a critical condition of anemia and needed blood transfusion at that moment.

Taoma's parent's blood didn't match with mine. Our relatives were distant from us, and the transfusion was needed soonest.

Taoma eventually had her blood donated as it was the only available matching blood. My blood group was 'AB' while hers was 'O'. After the necessary treatments and transfusions, I was discharged.

Till tomorrow, I will still remain grateful to Taoma for her show of selfless friendship and donation (although, since then I have not had to get blood transfusion again as the doctor gave me an alternative way of managing it, and I have been going for monthly check-ups.

*******

Years have gone by, and our friendship still bloomed.

Sadly, things started falling apart a year ago.

I really am a bad person.

I made a huge mistake which I am trying to make atonement for...

I am trying to make amends, but, I guess there will never be a second chance to make things right.

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Taoma fell in love with Dennis in her third year in the university (we also did attend same university).

Their relationship grew stronger (petty jealousy got the second part of me at some point).

But, as a 'padi' (very close friend), Taoma let me into their relationship.

She never hid a thing from me. She met me for counsels and advice so as long as it is as regards her and Dennis.

Marriage plans came in later. I was super excited about Taoma.

My friends and 'sisto' was soon going to become a bride, and I'll be her beautiful bride's maid. My excitement knew no bounds.

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Meanwhile, I courted David. David and I were course mates in university. I sure did love him...with my everything.

One night, I went to David's lodge announced, I didn't give him prior info about my coming. I didn't think it necessary since I was his babe.

My eyes met the shocker of my life when I flung his door open. Right on his bed was David having sex with Brenda.

Brenda also was my course mate and she had on several occasions beefed me and threatened to snatch David from me. I guess she did win.

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I was heartbroken, disorganized and shattered. I called on Taoma to come to drink with me at the bar, but, she was out of town.

She sent Dennis to come to keep me company and to cheer me up. And by the time Dennis got there, I was drunk already.

He took me home to our lodge. Seeing how heartbroken I was, he couldn't leave me alone since Taoma wasn't in town.

I threw up several times, and Dennis looked after me, cleaned me up, and helped me change into my night wears. I guess that was where the explosion started.

I drunkenly seduced Dennis into sleeping with me that night which he did.

It didn't end that night. It continued. At secret places. I stabbed Taoma at the back.

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Karma played its trick on me.

Just as I had caught David with Brenda, that was the same way Taoma caught me with Dennis. That day, the veil which had covered my eyes shred into pieces...I came back to my senses. I had betrayed my beloved Taoma.

*******

Our long years of premium friendship shattered like a broken glass which has no hope of been fixed.

Taoma cut all ties with me. She made a transfer to another private university and tried living a new life, from scratch. She acted all too strong and determined, but I guess they were all just acts.

Early this year, news reached me that she, Taoma, committed suicide. I guess she wasn't strong or determined in the first place, to begin with.

Taoma was betrayed by the two persons she loved and trusted most in her life. It was a big deal for her to handle. Since then, until now, I have been wishing if there would be a way for me to make things right. I want to make atonement for my sins.

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Since I didn't get to amend my mistakes here on earth, I am going to the place where she is to make amends. I want to tell her how truly apologetic I am for betraying her.

If you get this suicide note, tell it to the world that I am truly sorry for betraying Taoma. Tell it to the world that I want to keep on atoning for my sins when I get to meet her wherever she is, in heaven/hell, I want to go be with her there.

Tell Kira, that I truly do not deserve a second chance, and this is why I am taking my life to go meet Taoma where she is and to keep on making amends for my mistake.

Taoma, I miss you and I am coming to be with you.