The Joker and The Fool

The Joker and The Fool

By Emily Hill 

“Yes, you are mine and I’m yours. But not now. We clearly aren’t ready. If we keep doing this, this way- we will destroy what is destined for us. This is our test. And I love you enough, to walk away.”

“I don’t know what you expect from me. This is it. This is all I will ever be. I’m fucking broken, Emily. And you are right. I will break you too. That’s what I do, break those around me so my own shattered soul can blend in amongst the ruble.”

“I really wish I could make you see yourself the way I do. I love those shattered pieces, even the ones you won’t show me but, we both know I see them. And that I see you in a way that no one has before. I see YOU, and that fucking terrifies you. You’ve been running your whole life.”

“You don’t know me-you can’t. You would hate me if you did.”

“Stop pretending to be something you’re not. You aren’t the savage you try to come across as, towards others. Especially me. You’re ‘fuck it all attitude’ is such a cliche-especially for someone who prides themselves as being an outsider.”

“We will never have a future, Emily. Just stop. Let it go- this is not what you want it to be. I am not what you want me to be. Just let me go.”

“Oh, here we go again. You trying to pretend I’ve made this all up in my head. It’s all one sided. Hurt me like you hurt. Then claim you’re ‘protecting me’ as a cop out. I don t need you to save or protect me. I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own. I am fucking fire, Justin. I know what I bring to the table so you can trust the fact that I am not afraid to eat alone. I know what my path is this life time, and I’ve seen you at my side but I will achieve it with or without you. And we both know that.”

....

“You’re always are either chasing me or running from me. You’re never standing with me, though. You think I will always be here, and you’re right, I haven’t proven you wrong! But you are hell bent to burn the world down so that everyone feels the same pain you do. The same emptiness. And we both know I’m not someone who is afraid of that shit, I’m the person that runs towards the shit. I run into the fire. I am not afraid of your demons, I would happily hold your hand and walk through the fire with you. But I will not let you pull me down under the dark waters-ever, again. I will not let you destroy the fucking powerful woman I fought tooth and nail to be.”

“You don’t understand me, Emily. I am this darkness. And you are like this...this, fucking light. You’ll never get it.”

“Ha!...I’m sorry, I’m truly not laughing at you. I just never thought I would be the one ever seen as the light. And I can’t decide if I should revel in this moment of realization of how far I’ve come or be fucking pissed that you still have never cared who I was before and what it took for me to get to this point. If you did-you would just stop fucking doing this to me. You’re hurting so bad, Justin. And I’ve done all I can do to ease the pain and help you back up off the ground. Well, I’m fucking hurting, too. But don’t you fucking worry-I’ll fix that too.” 

“I know, Emily. I know how strong you are. And you’re wrong, I do see you. And I’m sorry that I’ve been just another person to hurt you in a way you never deserved.”

“Just stop. Don’t even bother. I don’t want your apology. It’s always the same. You break us to this point, and the pain it causes me kills you, and you can’t bare it. So you apologize but-do us both a favor and just fucking stop. You are not sorry, you’re just manipulating me. 

You chose this path because it allows you to have complete control. The one thing you can control. And you have no problem taking any of my control. So have it. Have all the control. Destroy what we have and what we could be. But this is it this time. I’m leaving. And not just this relationship, I’m leaving town. I can’t take the chance of letting you talk me into coming back. Because I can feel you killing me slowly, and not even you are worth that.”

“I think that’s a great idea. I know we don’t have a future. I have no future. So at least now we are on the same page.”

“I truly, truly hate you for saying that. I truly hate that you still can’t just not hurt me. And still, all I will say to you in our last moments is this. I hope you choose you. I hope you love yourself the most. I hope you choose compassion for yourself before anything else. I hope you love yourself as much as you should. And I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for. Because I know I will fucking be doing that for me, starting right now. I will always love you. And a part of me will always hope you come find me when you’ve healed. But I’m also now deciding to allow myself to live a life and have a love so unbelievably happy and fulfilling, that I won’t even care that the happily ever after we could have had, now ceases to exist-well at least for me. Because you and I both know-what you just destroyed will now haunt you for the rest of your life. No matter who you’re with or where you are, you will always see the ghost of me, and remind you of the love story you single handedly burned to the ground. But I love you more than you know. True. Unconditional love, always. But now, I’m choosing to unconditionally love myself. Imagine that.”