Haunting Memories

PLEASE BE AWARE

This story involves themes such as physical violence, light gore and abuse as well as themes of mental illnesses specifically depression and anxiety. This story is not designed to be inspirational and if you struggle with these themes I would urge you to reconsider reading this story. As for those of you who will continue reading thank you for taking the time to appreciate my work, I hope you enjoy.

I quickly snapped from my slumber and sat upright, cold sweat running down my face as the nightmare slowly faded from my memory. I sluggishly dragged myself from bed and began focusing on the familiar soft hum of my ships engines to steady my nerves. The tense clang of metal against my boots echoed through my head, as I gradually stepped towards the kitchen. The rusted old coffee machine came to life with a spark and sputter, spraying the hot and delicious liquid into my ceramic mug. The coffee shifted and swirled with the milk until, steam and scent wafted up from the drink and into my nostrils, slightly rousing my brain from its ever bearing haze. I drearily wandered over to the cockpit while sipping on my beverage. Same morning, same system checks, same crappy life every time my eyes open. Fragments of the nightmare still danced in my mind, creating screaming echo’s of the past that with them bring feelings long suppressed. I begin to gulp my coffee now, scalding my throat as pain quickly flood’s out pain. I gasped, as the cool, ventilated flow of air soothed my seared flesh.

I spent the remainder of the morning following my ordinary routine, doing system checks and general maintenance on the ship. I tried to sit down and do some reading while the stealth system was recalibrating, with the flickering blue lights prancing over the walls I liked to imagine it was a rainy day in the house I grew up in as a boy. But I was still tormented by the nightmare even as the dream itself slips from my memory, the anguish it caused leaves a burning hole in my chest, and an answerless void in my head. I could once again feel the presence of the familiar black fog skulking in the furthest corners of my mind. It caresses my memories like a malignant shadow, turning all my thoughts into those of despair and uncertainty. My mind plummeted into a swirling vortex of nostalgia and regret as I slumped over the console breathing rapidly as my head grew light .

Enough was enough, I sped back into my room and tore my dresser open. After ripping it’s contents out and over my room, I stared at the old roll of film. I gingerly picked it up observing it like a priceless artefact of a lost time. The small plastic cylinder rolled around on my palm, shaking softly with its delicate contents. My lips began to quiver and as the tears started to well I clenched my fist around the roll and shoved it into the pocket of my jacket. Going to Callisto Station would be risky but it’s the least likely spot I would of run into trouble and I knew there was a film shop not far from the main port.

“Blackeye743 You are cleared for landing, keep your speed to a minimum and get that transponder looked at while you are here.” Click. The radio quickly gave way to the silence I much preferred as I slowly pulled my ship into the landing bay, I knew I couldn’t be here long so I had to make things sharp. I grabbed my handgun and a couple of magazines and shoved them into the inner pockets of my jacket before I set off for my ship’s exit.

I quickly zipped through the crowded spaceport making sure to keep my hood up and my face down. I managed to make it almost one block down the road when I thought I noticed someone tailing me. Just up ahead was a small dark alleyway that I nimbly darted into and hid behind soon bins. I eagerly awaited the man’s arrival but 5 minutes went past, and then another 10. I laughed to myself for a moment for being so paranoid. I briskly started to walk out of the alley when, CLANG! Everything went dark.

Groggily my eyes shifted open. In front of me standing in a dimly lit room were two large men with their faces covered. They argued angrily over who got to keep my jacket that was now lying on a desk in the corner. In the other corner an older gentlemen with slicked back white hair and an expensive looking blue suit looked at me with a strange, almost unsettling curiosity. Upon noticing I was awake he began to walk in my direction. I tried to move only to notice my hands and feet had been handcuffed to the old metal chair, which I was sat on. The man in the blue suit stood before me and smiled smugly as I squirmed in my restraints under his gaze. “ You sir, have finally shown enough stupidity to allow yourself to be caught, and for what hmm? For this?” He queries, spinning the roll of film in his palm. I began to thrash in my restraints, foaming at the mouth in anger and yelling unintelligibly, before the man in the blue suit smirked and swiftly kicks me backwards. My head heavily colliding with the smooth concrete, as the pool of crimson warmly crept from tip to toe and consciousness evaded my grasp once more.

I regained my composure once again as we began to descend the stairs of the warehouse office down to the floor where an elegant black car was waiting in the centre. As my eyes drifted down I noticed my hands and feet were still bound by cuffs. I dragged my vision from side to side, my movements were sluggish and painful but my efforts bore fruit. I noticed the silver glint of firearms on the hips of the men carrying me. My assailants had yet to realise I had regained my senses and my only way out was to rely on the element of surprise.

Rapidly and effectively I swung the man to my left down the stairs with all the force I could muster, he tumbled down the stairs heavily slamming into each step. The man on my right began to react, but I had already pulled his gun from his holster. I proceeded to fire two shots point blank into his chest. The man staggered back against the railing of the stairs coughing blood and clutching his torso. I quickly returned my attention to the first man who was slowly getting up at the bottom of the stairs. I fired three shots at him with the first two missing and the third hitting him cleanly between the eyes, sending his body to a crumpled heap. As hope began to flicker in my head, I felt a searing pain in my leg, as I looked down I saw a large bullet hole and blood was gushing from the exit wound. I saw the man in blue crouching by the car with a phone in one hand and revolver in the other. I continuously fired shoved as I hauled my way down the stairs, each step sending torrents of pain up my body. I ran out of ammunition as I reached the bottom, I rolled over to the dead man’s gun narrowly avoiding gunfire as I did. I put my back to a cargo container as I slowly got my bearings again. The film was all that mattered now, the only thing that gave me purpose. I hauled myself up and staggered out from cover steadily shooting at my target behind the car door, I spaced my shots enough to give me time to reach my enemy without him being able to get a clear line of sight. As I reached the car door I slammed it forward knocking the man to the ground and sending his gun skidding across the warehouse floor, and smashing his body into the concrete. As I crouched over him methodically going through his pockets he began to plead. “ Please don’t kill me, I have a wife and children! I could do so much more for you as an ally! I could make this all go away!” he shouted through choked sobs. As he was finishing I finally found the film in his upper pocket. I held it up inspecting it for damage like a rare gemstone as I kept my gun centred directly on him. I turned to look the man in the eyes. I took a long deep breath, then, pulled the trigger.

The car still drove well enough and the GPS said the film store was only 10 minutes away. I tightened the makeshift bandage I had made around my leg from the expensive suit and began the drive. I sped through every street and every corner in order to minimise their response time. I screeched to halt outside of the film store and quickly stumbled in. 

The store emitted a strange smell of nostalgic, as soon as I entered it smelt like a warm family Christmas, a summers day on the beach and a rainy day in a home. The familiar smells almost stunned me for a moment but only went on to confirm my reasons for being here. I limped to the counter where a young man chewing gum sat reading a magazine. I paid him five times the usual rate and told him to develop the film as quick as he could, not ask questions and give me somewhere to view the film. He began to sweat and shift a little, when I moved my jacket to the side revealing my firearm. He then scurried over to retrieve the film and ushered me into the back room. 

After ten or fifteen minutes of sitting in a silence so thick it almost made you choke, he finally announced the film was ready to be viewed. I angrily ordered him out of the room and he quickly fled as I began to play the film through the projector. As I stared deeply at the images on the wall, I remembered what it was like to feel happy and to feel loved. And while that feeling was fleeting it still deserves to be cherished and as much as I wish it didn’t that old happiness still gives me hope that something like that could exist for me again. I let out a sigh of relief or maybe it was just acknowledgement that I wasn’t always miserable and maybe I don’t have to keep being so.

The film slowly flickered to a stop as the sound of approaching sirens drowned out almost aby other audio. I slumped against the wall that the film was projecting on, trying to be as close to my memories as possible. My vision was starting to blur and I knew it was only a matter of time before I passed out from blood loss. And yet, somehow I managed to find peace. Not happiness or acceptance but peace with the things I have done and the things I have lost. I am at peace with my life because while I have not always recognised it, my life always found a way to give me meaning and a purpose and that, for me at least is enough to grant me peace, go know that my life meant something. 

I could hear people yelling and screaming in the front of the shop and I knew my time was growing smaller by the second. And yet after all the misery, the sadness, and the pain, seeing that smile again, that smile meant just for me, almost seemed to make everything up until now seem minuscule by comparison. That damn intoxicating smile that warms my core every time I see it. And as these thoughts flowed through my mind a smile crept across my lips, for the first time in decades. I chuckled to myself, as I cocked my handgun and the door burst open.