"I'M STILL WAITING FOR YOU"

Whenever I feel overwhelmed or worn out, I go to my room. If I need a break or just some time to myself, you can find me there too. It is not like any other room in the house. It is where I feel most safe and comfortable. Where I can always be myself. It is a room that belongs to me. It may look like all the other rooms in the house but, my room is above them all. It is just perfect for me. It is a small place, about 12 feet by 18 feet, with a desk, a dresser, a closet, and of course, a bed. There is always a light scent of vanilla from a candle that I burn sometimes when I want to relax. The walls are painted a very pale blue with a subtle pattern in dark blue. Every morning, before I get up, I look outside the window to see what sort of day it will be. Although beds are generally for sleeping on, it has many other uses too. I always do my reading lying across the bed. Sometimes I lie down on it and do absolutely nothing, except day dream, sometimes for hours. My bed is the first thing my family and friends assemble on when they visit my room. It is the place where we chat and engage in conversation. Right next to my bed is my desk It is made of a beautiful type of maple. It is gray, my favorite color, and contains three big drawers. The drawers are completely filled with possessions I have kept over the years. I always enjoy going through them. Usually, I find really old toys I used to play with when I was younger. Sometimes, when I am lucky, I even find some money. My mother always scolds me about my messy drawers. She says it should have been cleaned up long ago, but I could never bring myself to do it. Going through my drawers would not be the same if they were clean and organized. Across my desk, is my dresser. It too is gray and made out of the same maple the desk is. A bedroom, is obviously a room with a bed in it, but it can be much more than that. Bedrooms are a place which people keep most of their belongings, a private space. After 4 year of my marriage I’m again sitting in my room and wating for my husband to return back at home, and I start to write dairy today All my memorable moments are put foot in mouth types.

Immediately after my marriage I observed many girls and boys around us happily enjoying care free life. They all are just one or two years older to us but not married.

Here we are. we married in such a hurry as if we don't marry that early, India's economy will suffer huge losses!!! I was 22 and he was 25.

We did not worry about money or any other thing. Just like that we said ‘yes' trusting each other and having lot of faith in our future without keeping any bank balance for us !!

Our elders trusted us more than us. ‘Phataa phat'! Did our marriage. Without leaving any balance in bank !!

One day I saw an young girl in our quarters going with her fiance. I felt jealous.

I said to my husband.

‘See them ! How nice it is. If she is a girlfriend, he will take her out, treat her with dinner, flowers, gifts. If it is wife nothing! You will be busy entire week. Only at weekends you will take me out. That too if you don't have office on weekends. No value at all' for me !!

I know his situation. Just I wanted to tease him. Moreover he is very calm type. I am getting bored because I don't know anyone here. Since it's arranged marriage from my side I don't know anything about him. He knows everything about me.

So this is my way of trying to know about him, his nature, just by pulling his leg.

He generally tolerates all my dramabaji ( dramatic actions) with a smile , surprise and curiosity since there are no girls in his family. No girl in his ‘life too' before me.

I over estimated my funny bone that day and really ragged him.

That moment he didn't say anything. I bit my tongue thinking did I do over action?? Yeaahhh! No worries!! He is not that fussy type. Takes everything so sportive, won't get offended by every small thing. He is really a man '.

But I have my own small doubts too! Really he is calm or just feeling hesitation since we are new to eachother?

Following Sunday he took me out. We roamed around commercial Street. Had some grub at a small cafe. I was happy. Just I wanted to spend some time with him. That's it! Not money. Any way we didn't have much money to spend. That is a different story all together.

‘Which newly wed wife does not want to spend time with her husband?

He bought 2 ‘five star ‘ type chocolates also for me.

It became almost all 8.30 in the evening..

I said enough! ‘From the morning we are on roads'. Let's go back.

My husband nodded his head and said ok. Let's go.

‘But where should I drop you?? He asked with a poker face!’

I didn't understand what he is saying!!

I asked him to repeat what he said again.’what do you mean by dropping?’

He said with a serious face, ‘which boy friend takes a girl friend home?? They do time pass in day time. Then Happily leave her at her hostel or near her house !

(If it is For a few hours every day one can become so innovative. We are married, this is not for few hours. We should live together for life. Why to be in a hurry? There is lot of time to explore life. Isn't it? This much big meaningful dialogue is hidden in his words . He won't say it, I have to understand. He is a man of few words!!! ‘Poor me!.

I told my self , Rama! you can become a big script writer if you start your life like this… Very good! Shahbhash!! )

‘Now Tell me where should I leave you?

I was speechless!! I said fumbling oh…that?…‘j..u..st like that I said that.’

My husband said' but I took it serious !

I stared at his face. I can see his eyes are smiling and he is trying to control his laughter seeing my bewildered face.

I cursed my self for my motor mouth.

He laughed so loud. I was so mesmerised seeing him relaxed.

He said mischievously ‘don't think too much. Come fast! It's getting late and I have office tomorrow'.

I learnt my lesson. I will never ever compare myself with anyone. ‘It's indeed dangerous, not only stupidity. I cursed my self. He is not that innocent as he appears !! Uff!!

I held his hand tight. Came back home and opened door with my keys.

Said with dramatic shyness ‘ I have no problems inviting you inside, you can stay with me.. in my house,.. even at nights also !’

He blushed and said ‘I don't know really what to do with you!! You Shameless girl!!

This is one of the best memories from my initial days of Marriage. After 25 year today I’m again sitting in my room and missing those moments and wating for the good time in my life, my 55 yr old husband died at the end of April one week after his birthday when we were away for a weekend break in Wales. Totally devastated. Finding this really hard to cope with emotionally. Just so very sad. I am off work at the moment and comments are starting about when am I thinking about going back into work. I just don’t feel emotionally strong enough and feel like nobody can possibly understand this.

I’m a very independent person and so do feel like I can cope with the practical ‘doing’ things, but can’t cope with the overwhelming sadness. Just can’t comprehend the rest of my life without him. I have two teenage daughters and a teenage step daughter all of which add complications. I’m struggling to talk about all of this. People say that if you want to move ahead in life, then stop thinking about the past & move on but how can we move on if our past was the only thing we ever wanted in our future. ”It’s been 26 years knowing you today and I want to tell you that I AM STILL WAITING FOR YOU…”