I'm in Love With Him

It wasn't supposed to happen like this, it wasn't ever supposed to come down to something like this. She was my friend, I mean she is my friend. I wasn't supposed to let myself feel like this, I wasn't supposed to fall this hard, how could I do this to someone who would walk through fire for me without even blinking?

I mean, I thought I was a lesbian. I was married to a woman for almost 4 years, shitty marriage, but still; how can I be in love with.. Him? How could I even let this happen? Do I lack that much self control? I told myself it was a bad idea, but there I was falling in love with his smile, the feeling I got when he inches passed me and I feel his abs, smell the sweet smell of his cologne, the way he told me not to worry so much, when he knew how much I worried about the silliest, smallest of events that happened in my life, and how dare he look at me with those kind, caring blue eyes of his and tell me that things were going to be okay.

When he speaks, I swear I am unable to breathe, unable to hear anything else, except the softness of his voice. When he walks towards me, I don't just feel the butterflies, but I feel like my entire stomach is doing a back flip into the clear, deep, salty ocean.

I'm not supposed to feel this way, and I remind myself this on a daily basis when we all hang out together, I tell myself that she'll notice the way he looks at me, she'll notice the way my face becomes blushed when his foot rubs against mine under the table.

On the days I can't see him, that I can't be near him, I yearn for his silly smile, the way when I make comments about how my weight is the reason I have been single as long as I have, he stops me in my laughter and tells me, "whether you are 150lbs, or 400lbs, you are beautiful". If I am not supposed to feel this way, then why must he say the things he says, why must he do the things he does to me? Why must my heart smile as big as the sun, the second I see him?

I know that I have to tell her, I have to tell her that I am falling in love with the man she loves, I have to tell her that even as much as I cherish our friendship, that life is short, that I have to tell her that I love him, not that infatuation kind of love, but the kind of love, that makes life hard to face without that silly "good morning beautiful" text, that kind of love that I have never seen, never felt before, but I know I deserve. I don't just love him, I am in love with him.

What is wrong with me? I can't ask her to let go of her happy just because I love him, just because I feel as strongly as I do, so I guess, I will just have to continue the way things are, and even if I die inside a little bit more each time I see them together, it's not worth losing the best friend I have ever had.Why would I burn someone that would walk through fire for me? The answer.. I wouldn't I don't have it in me, to do to someone what has been done to me. So I guess I am saying I am okay with being the third wheel, as long as I have both of them in my life, I'd rather have them both as my friend... then not in my life at all... Right?

I say this to myself, and I am instantly brought to back to reality, when my phone buzzes on the table beside me, "I wonder who could be texting me", I say to myself; it's her, and she knows!!!

I try to talk myself out of the predicament I have some how let myself get in, I knew deep down that situations like this never end well. I apologize, I beg and plead for her forgiveness, she won't hear of it, she won't let me explain how this all happened, I mean who can blame her, I knew what I was doing, and so did he, I know from past experiences with my ex, how she must feel because I too have felt that same exact way, multiple times.

She hangs upon me, full of so much anger and frustration. I know she was truly hurt, we have never had a fight like this in our almost 21 years of friendship, I knew I shouldn't even thought twice. I know I shouldn't have let myself do this. I need to go, I need to leave, I need to never look back, I need to stay away, if I truly respect our friendship, I will do as she asks of me, and stay away! I frantically pack as much as I can and throw it into my beat up Ford, and take off North, I was going anywhere, anywhere I could to get as far away from them as possible.

My vision is blurry, my mascara had to of washed off my face by now, I pull over to the side of the road to try and calm myself so that I can continue to drive, from the distance I see headlights. I think to myself," who could this be?" as the car behind me begins to come to a slow stop. I roll up my windows, I lock my door.

How did he know where I was? Why did he come after me? I was leaving so they could be together, without me.

I could see the concerned look in his eyes as he knocked softly on my driver side window. He asked me not to go, he told me how sorry he was that he had gotten me in the middle of such a huge mess. I just kept repeating myself telling him I had to go, I had to leave, I had to walk away, I asked him to let me go, to go be with the one that he has always wanted, the one he was truly meant to be with. I said it was ok, that I would be fine, to let me go.

I slowly roll down my window, as I try to hold back the tears,I tell him that this was a mistake, how much I hated him, I much I just wanted to leave, how much that it hurt but if he loved me, how deeply he cared for me, he would just walk away.

I kept saying these things over and over as he kept trying to open the door, this was not him, at one point I became scared, he had this look on his face, a look I had never seen before, a look of anger, I swore I saw fire in his eyes, he was determined to get in the car, he wanted to tell me something more, I know he had more to say, but I didn't want to hear it. All of this was just as much as his fault as it was mine. All of this could have been avoided if we both realized and respected the boundaries automatically set into place by a relationship. Why couldn't we resist each other? Why did we both not know the consequences of our actions?

"Go away Jake, "go home, she needs you", no sooner as those words left my mouth, I was shot! All I remember after hearing one single gun shot, was "what did you do?" As I grabbed my chest gasping for breathe, I realized I'd been hit, I could feel my life slowly leaving my body, I could feel one last tear roll down my cheek, before it went dark, I said, "I will always love you."