The Can Opener

Who would’ve thought this would be my downfall? 

Today is the day! I had hoped so this morning. 

And yet how wrong I was. I was a fool to believe that this time would be any different from the rest. It’s just that everyone makes it look so easy. They don’t tell you how hard it really is. It’s practically impossible, well, for me at least. 

I’m screwed.

That’s it. This is how I die. By the hands of a can of peaches. 

That’s right, a can of peaches! Are you kidding me? 

I bet I’m the only person in history whose death will be by a can of peaches. Can you believe how pathetic that is? Just imagine my headstone, “Here lies Payton 1995-2020, not a friend to cans or their openers.” I was so young too! I didn’t even get to get married yet!

And I never am if I don’t get this wretched can open. Why did I think I could do this?

You see, I’m meeting my mother-in-law today. Yeah, I know, “Oh Damn!” Not the best situation to be in. Well, there’s not much I can do about that. Except, maybe bake a peach cobbler. Which I can’t do if I can’t open a can of peaches, and guess what? I can’t open a can of peaches. Last time I tried, I broke a wine glass and then cut my hand with said shards. How that happened, I don’t know. The worst part was that the can didn’t even open the can. So not did I have bloody hands and glass shards everywhere but I also had an unopened can to add to my misery. I wound up having to use a knife, which is, like, super dangerous. Yet somehow I managed to not cut myself with the knife, something I couldn’t do earlier. Plus, I had to go out the next day and get a new wine glass. Oh, and a new can opener! I broke that in the process too. Yeah, not a good day. 

Well, my partner’s mother, Nancy, has this tradition where she makes all her children-in-law bake a peach cobbler the first time they meet. If they succeed and she likes it then she likes you. If you fail, well, then you wind up like Deborah and trust me, no one wants to wind up like Deborah. Her peach cobbler was so bad that Nancy kicked her out of the house. She straight up told Deborah to get out and not come back for the remainder of the evening, and it was Deborah’s house! Yeah, so I don’t want to be like Deborah.

But back to my peach cobbler. The good news is I can make a peach cobbler. I’ve done it before and I love to bake so it’s not an issue. But normally my love is home to open the can of peaches for me. Of course right now when I needed them most, they aren’t. Jesse, my love, is currently picking up their mother from the airport to bring home to try my peach cobbler that I can’t make without opening a can of peaches and I can’t open a can of peaches and the person who normally opens cans for me is not home and so I can’t make a peach cobbler and so Nancy is going to hate me and ruin any chance I have at marriage with Jesse, the love of my life. 

Oh my God, I can’t breathe.

Is it getting hot in here for anyone else? No, just me? Really? Okay then.

Whoooo. 

Breatheee. 

Just breatheeee.

Everything’s going to be alright Payton. You’re going to make an amazing peach cobbler and you’re soon to be mother-in-law is going to love you. It’s going to be alright.

Okay.

I can do this.

I am Payton. I am a defense attorney. I have someone who loves me. I can open a motherfrickin’ can of peaches. 

Okay first step: Get the can of peaches.

Got the can of peaches.

Second step: Place the can right-side up.

Can is right-side up.

Next step: Grab can opener.

Can opener is in my hand.

Fourth step: Put the toothed wheel on the lid of the can.

Toothed wheely thingy is on the can, I think? Maybe I should look up some pictures. Yeah, I think I’m gonna get some pictures.

I pulled out my phone and searched for photos of opening cans with a can opener. 

Are you kidding me? There are multiple types of can openers! Apparently, some go on the top of the can and some go on the side of the can! I did not know this. How are you supposed to tell which can opener does which? 

Okay, think Payton! Which way does Jesse usually put the can opener on? 

Does Jesse put it on the top? 

Or does Jesse put in on the side? 

Top or Side?

Top? Or side?

Top?

Side?

Top?

Side?

I think I’m starting to sound like a crazy person.

You know what, I’m just gonna call my mom.

As I dialed my mother's number, I prayed to God she’d pick up. I can’t call Jesse because Nancy might hear, plus I don’t want to distract them while they drive.

"Brrrrrrrrt...brrrrrrrrt...brrrrr-”

“Hello?”

“Mom!” I yelled anxiously.

“Payton? Aren’t you supposed to be baking?”

“Mom! I need help.”

“Ohhh what's wrong sweetie?” she replied sweetly. 

“I need to open a can and-”

“Oh dear lord, please help this child of mine. You realize you’re 25 years old and you’re still callin’ me, practically in tears, about opening a can. Don’t ya think this is something you should have learned by now?”

“I know. I know. Don’t remind me. I just don’t know if the opener goes on the side of the can or the top of the can. Can you please just help me? This dinner is too important to screw up.”

“Alright. Alright. I’ll help you but only because I love you so much my sugar plum. Send me a picture of your can opener and I’ll let you know if it’s a side or top opener.”

“Okay thank you so much, mom. I love you.”

“I love you too now, send me the damn picture before I change my mind. Goodbye.”

Within seconds of sending a picture of the can opener my mother responds that it was in fact, a top can opener and not a side can opener. Thank God for my momma. 

Okay now to continue the opening of this can. Now I must squeeze the arms tight and I should hear a puncture sound. This is normally where I fail.

Okay, breathe. Squeeze the arms. 

Squeezing the arms. 

“tssSSS kr-POP.”

POP!

Oh my God, it popped!

It freaking popped! Okay, calm down. Let’s not get all excited. It could still go wrong. Okay, uhh, next step. Turn the handle.

Turning the handle. 

Oh my God, it’s turning! 

It’s so easy! So smooth! 

It’s never felt this smooth before!

Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God! I’ve almost turned a full circle.

I’ve turned a full circle. Okay, Oh my God! Okay, I’m taking the can opener off. 

Okay, Okay, it’s off, it’s off. Whew.

Okay, now for the big reveal. Did I just open a can?

Okay, I am grabbing the lid. I’m taking the lid off. The lid is coming off! The lid is off.

The lid is off!

THE LID IS OFF!

“AHHHH THE LID IS OFF! I DID IT! I’M GONNA LIVE!” I screamed.

“Uhhh, what’s going on in here babe?” called a familiar voice from behind me. 

I turned around only to be greeted by none other than Jesse and of course, Nancy.

“Wow, never met someone so excited about opening cans,” said Nancy as she stared at me with utter confusion and clear awkwardness. 

“Ohh you back…” I replied with an awkward smile and my arms behind my back, “that was so quick.”

“Uhh, I’ve been gone for like an hour and a half,” responded Jesse.

Had I really just spent an hour and a half opening a can!

“So…” Nancy began, “Where’s the peach cobbler?”

Oh fuck.