One step ahead

It was another fine bright morning during the winters of Bangalore. 

Traffic was beginning to rise on the streets; summer warmth was beginning to be felt.

Rishika was lying on the bed. She didn't want to wake up. Didn't want to login to office today. The pandemic had made her more aloof and distant. She informed her manager that she was taking a day off.

Around 9:30 am, she lazily got up and stood on the little balcony of her small apartment. The clear blue sky and the green cover around her gives her hope and respite. She decided to begin the day.

Anurag and Rishika were in an estranged relationship now; and the relationship with her own parents had affected as a result. She stays on her own, physically and emotionally apart from her family and friends. Every day she longed for a shoulder to lean on, a company to have evening coffee with, but couldn't relate to anyone around. She could sense a tag of transaction, in most friendly conversations, and was tired of seeking validation from others. Life has become a discipline to live by.

As she sat for her regular meditation, streams of thought kept seeping in, and as she wanted to deep dive, fear of people sabotaging her aspirations, her dreams, kept hurting her mind. This happened every day, still she makes sure to sit once a day; someday, these thoughts would vanish, she felt, and she would be able to be in control of her emotions.

The phone rang. It was Shefali, her cousin sister. She called her "Di".

She decided not to pick it up; she was tired of listening to her in-laws complaints and her not taking any action. She needed to transcend into a circle of nonjudgmental, healthy minded people. In the process, isn't she herself being judgmental? She often introspected.

The day went on, doing chores, shopping groceries, closing pending tasks on her “todo” list, prepared the night before. This was the effect of her spiritual journey.

No matter how much she struggled, yet kept moving with her responsibilities and

goals, thanks to her meditation.

By the evening, she sat down on her balcony, with her jaggery tea and some snacks. The calmness of the evening settled in, birds on the crimson sky returning to their nest. The day was ending, people were being received by their families and dear ones, while there were few like her, who chose remain secluded, than be part of relationships, which were reminisce of the feudal culture.

Rishika got out of her trance. Cold evening breeze touched her cheeks. It dawned on her that some more work left to be completed; she finished her drink and came in to her study.

Night was setting in; it went darker and more silent. Around 7 pm she finished her work, and stretched herself, she decided to lie down for a while.

The silence of the house, undone tasks, and shattered dreams, triggered her.

Memories of emotional abuse, gas lighting, bullying, financial exploitation of her

relationship with Anurag and his family, crowded her mind, sense of being

cheated surged on crept her mind like fire. This happened every day. Today, she decided to act. She decided to confront every being in her life who had minimized her, demeaned her.

Shefali was one of them. Her beauty and spontaneity always attracted attention and admiration around her, while Rishika was a wheatish, sharp looking girl.

Their family status also were incomparable financially and culturally. While Shefali and her family lived in a beautiful villa, in an upper middle class locality, Rishika was growing up in a lower middle class family. There were daily quarrels in the house; her mother was a victim of domestic violence. Her father, while being a simple human being, and a very talented professional, was regularly pressurized by extended family members for lending money, had extramarital affair. Everything, everyone in her family was dull, and engulfed in guilt; and she felt too powerless to do anything about it. Her only pride was her melodious voice; she was extremely talented in almost all art forms, be it music, painting, writing. She knew how to think in depth, she enjoyed reading. She was an average student, in an English medium school, which her father could barely afford.

This was the same school, which Shefali attended too. She was extremely popular, very much loved by teachers and friends. And couldn’t care much about anyone else. She was not interested in studying, and her friends weren’t genuine as well. Does too much attention and lack of introspection, directs a child to grow up as an insensitive adult?

As a child, Rishika visited Shefali often at their home, a joint family. It was always a culture shock, and she adjusted well. It was mostly Shefali who spoke, and everyone in the family spoke, while Rishika mostly listened. She never had the guts to share her pain, her worries- they were too shameful for her to accept and elaborate. Shefali also never bothered to ask her about how things are going with her, about her friends, family. Sometimes they commented on her looks, her lean image. Rishika ignored, as usual.

So, Rishika’ s relationships where mostly invested on one side. Her life had been mostly a struggle, and her trump card was her talent and persistence. She choose to invest herself in good reading, books, studies, . And did really well, in her finals. But throughout, she couldn’t get over being bullied by people. Rishika mostly ignored them.

She decided to call Shefali back.

"Hi Di, how

are you.. ?"

"Hey Rish, where had you been? I was feeling so frustrated, wanted to share something.."

"Di I wanted to tell you something"

"Okay, what is it?"

"You used to complain, that I often blocked your call, and not keep contact right"

"Yeah,that's so weird, you are so silly"

"It’s not silly, I do it as I felt, our discussions were mostly about your problems,

priorities; I don't feel heard at all. Anytime I need you to listen, I feel unheard, get cold responses from you, or had been shut down, as you prioritized your family, work time. But you call me, spontaneously, I feel treated like a puppet

"Rish, I don't understand. I try to listen to you! I think you are complicating things. This is insulting. I share everything with you without feeling judged, it feels so good"

“And what about my emotions Di? Have you ever spent your time and energy on them?Di, I just would like to be in relationships, with an equal emotional investment. Since childhood, it has been you"

"This is absurd, what ..."

Rishika disconnected the call, and blocked Shefali's number. It felt good.