This is Who I am...A Glorious Open Book

Prompt: Your character is getting changed in the bathroom of a nightclub or restaurant then emerges looking completely different. Why?

This is Who I Am…A Glorious Open Book

My cell phone flashed the time of 6:00pm. I was running late for my dinner engagement with a friend from college. I had not seen Pauline for over six years after we graduated from the university. We had taken a few of the same classes together. Afterwards we often exchanged our personal interests and life stories at the campus coffee houses. She was a theology major and I a journalism major. We became good friends as we walked on many protest lines advocating for human rights, peace, the environment, and any cause to help humankind.

I was so looking forward to seeing her, but I was perplexed why she had chosen a diner on the eastern side of the city which is notorious for all sorts of questionable behavior.  I also wondered why it was so urgent she needed to meet with me since I had not seen her for six years.

The diner was as I had thought.  Perhaps a better descriptor would be greasy spoon. The restaurant was empty except for a lone figure sitting at a corner booth facing a wall. As I approached the table, I noticed that the person had closely cropped hair wearing a black shirt. Hearing my footsteps, the person looked at me. Immediately I recognized Pauline’s face. Her face was lit up with a cheery smile adorned by her rosy cheeks and beautiful green eyes as she looked at me.

Pauline greeted me with a husky, throaty hello.  I also noted some stubble of hair on her chin and her facial features were more robust.  She seemed excited and nervous at the same time. No sooner had I seated myself in the booth, Pauline proceeded to tell her story of the last six years.  Pauline began saying, “I am no longer Pauline. I have changed my name to Paul.” I remained silent riveted by the introduction. “Those occasions we walked the protest lines I felt uncomfortable and insecure about my gender as a woman. Even when I was much younger, I felt so uncomfortable in a woman’s body. My inner self was screaming out to be released.  I wanted to express my identity as a man. I never said anything to you because I needed to undergo a process of self-discovery on my own.  I also greatly feared I would be indicted by you and so many others. So, I began to understand that this process would take a long time of personal introspection with professional therapy.  I basically dropped off the grid. It was easy from a family standpoint because I am the only child and both of my parents were deceased.  Nonetheless, I have so many friends. I could and would not drop this bombshell of my gender reversal on them even if we had advocated for so many human rights issues. You might say I became embarrassed, but more so because I was still unsure that I even wanted to do this transformation. I stayed in seclusion until I was totally sure of my decision.  After my self-examination and with the consultation of my therapists, I began the physical change eighteen months ago. There was no turning back.”

I took in a deep breath letting it out slowly.  For me it seemed like an awkward silence. I gently said to Paul, “this must have been incredibly difficult for you. So much inner emotional pain along with concerns of rejection and the fear of the unknown.” Paul nodded saying “true, but there has also been the physical pain of the dual mastectomy, vocal cord surgery, and some facial reconstruction of my cheekbones. The hormone treatments were not a breeze either. But here I am now engaging with an old friend.”

I said, “Paul, I may not be an empath for the misery you endured, nor agree with why you needed to do this for yourself, but I will remain a steadfast friend to you. I guess this is the reason why you had wanted to see me now.”   Paul stopped me in my tracks. Paul continued by saying, “I really do need you more than accepting my “coming out” to you. Get some coffee and I will be right back. I need to try and use the bathroom.”

I looked at Paul quizzically asking “try?” Paul responded “My genitalia still speak to my vestigial womanhood. I still need to use a stall and there are fewer of them in the men’s room.”

 I was mesmerized by the steam coming from my coffee cup as I contemplated all that was said from Pauline. Or rather, Paul.  I had to put aside my confliction as to her gender identity. I heard footsteps and then gazed up at Paul. I did a double-take. Paul was wearing a black sport jacket with the same black shirt and pants, but wore a white minister’s clerical collar around the neck. In a raspy voice Paul said, “Surprise! You have to figure I would use my theology degree for something!  Unfortunately, I am not ordained into a mainstream Christian denomination. Oh sure, there are churches accepting all lifestyles with progressive ministers, but they are often small and too radical for the average person.”

Paul sat down as the conversation continued. So I asked, “Why else am I here? As a friend what can I do for you? And why did we have to meet here at this forsaken diner on the east side of the city?” 

Paul responded, “I need you to write my story. You are a journalist. Not the story about my actual transformation, but how God is using me to reach people with gender identity issues.  I need you to understand, however, that this story is not about sexual preferences and physical attractions.  My story reveals how a trans sexual transformation is plagued by severe depression, suicidal thoughts, confusion, and isolation. Many transgenders are struggling spiritually. They hunger to find God. If anything, my degree has opened up His Word, the Bible on this subject.  Most importantly, my heart hears the cries of this community. And the answer to your other question, we are at this diner because it is in the middle of my mission field.”

Paul’s words were the stimulant that perked me up, not the coffee.  I listened intently and typed vigorous notes into my cell phone as Paul continued to speak. Paul began by quoting Genesis 1:27: “So God created human beings in his own image.  In the image of God, he created them; male and female he created them.” He added “One sex is not better than the other. His creation was good. God affirmed the splendor of His creation on the sixth day and He rested because it was good. Then something happened later in the creation story. The first man, Adam and the first woman, Eve refused to listen to God. That action caused sin of all kinds from deceit, wickedness, depravity, immorality, and debauchery to enter into God’s Garden, now our world. Clearly from the Old Testament of the Bible it says, your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear.¹  From the New Testament, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” ² To this day and into the future we are all born sinners.”

I countered by saying “God does not make mistakes.” Quicky Paul said, “You’re right God does not make mistakes.  You must understand we are all now born into a fallen world. Sin is rampant. There are the consequences of sin. Natural things are corrupted in creation.  This even applies to the growth of a child in the womb. Some women regrettably experience miscarriages because the embryo has experienced a developmental flaw.” It never changes the fact that I praise (God) because (we are all) fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful, I know that full well. ³

I said, “Then your deep yearning to become a man could have developed in the womb? 

Paul responded “Yes, it is possible. The point I want to make to all people and especially to others like me is that God does not think anything less of us. Isaiah also said this, you are of great worth in My eyes. You are honored and I love you. I will give other men in your place. I will trade other people for your life. ⁴

God goes further with His Words saying, But because of God’s great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions -it is by grace we have been saved.⁵  Furthermore, there is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave, nor is there male and female for you all are one in Christ Jesus.” ⁶

“My dear friend,” Paul began, “this is what I need to bring to the people of this area who have undergone this transformation and are experiencing the dread and loathsomeness from others. We all are children of the heavenly Father when we claim His Son Jesus Christ as our Savior.” Paul’s voice and mannerism became demonstrative when he said, So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. ⁷ 

He ended our conversation with this declaration. “I need to continue to preach this Good News to the transgender community baptizing them in the Name of the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit. And, I need your help to get my words and especially God’s glorious Word to the disengaged Christian who has forgotten, ignored or shunned forgiveness to the transgender community.  Their smugness and neglect are the Christian shame. No person should be excluded from the mercy, grace, and forgiveness afforded by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Help me! Write what you have heard today that transgenderism is not a conscious choice but a mandate of personal survival from oneself. Most importantly, let everyone know that hope is found in Jesus no matter how deeply entrenched we are in our sinfulness and imperfect choices.”

-END-

For there are some men who from birth will never be able to have children. There are some men who have been made so by men. There are some men who have had themselves made that way because of the holy nation of heaven. The one who is able to do this, let him do it.” (Matthew 19:12, NLV)

NIV=New International Version

(1) Isaiah 59:2

(2) Romans 3:23

(3) Psalm 139:14 (modified pronouns)

(4) Isaiah 43:4

(5) Ephesians 2:4-5

(6) Galatians 3:28

(7) Galatians 3:26



Author: Pete Gautchier

Acknowledgement: reedsy.com prompts