She Had Seen Him, Wanted Him, But He Couldn't Be Had

From the moment I met him I just wasn’t quite sure. The moment my friend went and got his “snap”. It basically started out as a joke, he was just a guy who had his stoned friend introduce him a “single and ready to mingle”. That was just one of the signs that getting involved probably isn’t the best idea. Well screw it, he’s a guy, I’m a girl so I’ll just talk to him. Gain his trust but as far as feelings go, that just can’t happen. 

We’ve only seen each other twice in person, both times at competitions. Band competitions, oh yeah, don’t think I’ve mentioned, he plays trumpet so he’s arrogant as well. 

We’ve facetime almost every day for the past two weeks. The first time I wasn’t really sure about him because all he did was talk about other girls but now he’s actually really nice to talk to. 

He’s easy, he doesn’t live in the same town as me so I can basically talk to him about anything without having to worry about anyone overhearing or him telling them. We actually have quite a bit in common. 

Last weekend we met up at another band competition and his friend pulled me over and started asking me all these questions. She asked me “Where are you going with this?” and “what are your intentions?” I haven’t even thought of him like that yet. She told me that he just went through something really hard and she doesn’t want me to hurt him. 

A few months ago a guy hurt me and I would never do that to anyone else. I could never do that to him either. Not because I like him or anything just because, well he’s him. 

We’ve basically told each other everything from secrets to small things like our favorite color. Every day I learn something about him that I didn’t know before. That one of the many things I love about meeting new people.

We spend most of the day texting and then we often facetime at night. It’s nice to know someone cares. I have this constant fear that I’m going to push him away as I have most other people. He can leave at any moment and there's nothing stopping him. 

It’s been three weeks and he’s still talking to me, I think I’m growing feelings. I’m a little unsure about whether or not I truly do have feelings but whatever it is I don’t want them to stop. Over the weeks we haven’t talked as much. Am I losing him, “Hey, can I ask you a question?” I ask him a little scared of what might happen, what will he tell me. “Did I say something or do something?” I ask him. “How about I call you later and tell you what has really been going on,” he says to me. My heart is practically out of my chest and my breathing grows heavy. 

Maybe I’m feeling a little something for him which is why I can’t lose him, not now. We are going to facetime in a few minutes. At this point, I’m done worrying. I just want to know what’s going on. Most people have never told me why they just have dropped me. It hurts more than if they would have just told me. 

I hear my phone ringing. My heart almost skips a beat. I answer the phone. “Hey, so what did you want to ask me?” he asks. “I already asked you,” I say to him assuming he should already know. “Oh yeah. I just think that it’s better if we were friends.” I don’t put my face on the camera. “I just think it would be for the best. The distance just wouldn’t work right now.” he continues. 

“Are you ok?” he asks me. I guess I’m just a little shocked that’s all. “Yeah, I’m fine or will be,” I tell him. 

“Yeah the distance just wouldn’t work out right now but can we still be friends?” he asks. I don’t want him to see me cry. I’m not even sure why I would be crying. He was never mine.

“Of course. I don’t want to lose you,” I tell him. He says his goodbyes because apparently, he has to go.

He texts me right after and asks if I’m ok once more. He continually asked and explained once more. He’s sweet and actually really nice most the time. “Just so you know I didn’t lose feelings for you ok?” he tells me so I just say “okay” back. “Still have feelings for you too,” I tell him even though I know it won’t change anything.

“Who knows maybe shit will work out in the future it’s just a lot right now,” he explains to me once more. He follows with “Just so you know, you didn’t screw up with me.” wow, he actually listened when I told him things like that. He knew that those kinds of things scared me and that for most people I thought… new that I screwed everything up. 

It’s been a week and he still calls me on the rare occasion. We haven’t talked as much though. It makes me sad because we talked so much before. All that matters is that he’s still in my life. 

It has now been two weeks and he keeps posting things about this girl on his story, probably the same girl he was telling me about and probably the same girl that he was posting about a week ago, the girl I thought was me. It makes me think. Was it because he actually thought that it was not the right time. 

She sees his story once more and sees that he was no longer single. He had her. I’m a little hurt that he didn’t just tell me that that’s why we couldn’t talk anymore but it’s fine I guess. It’s expected anyway. Like I said there was nothing stopping him. 

It has now been another week and it has been hard not talking to him every day. I left my phone in my class for lunch because he was not going to talk to me so there’s not much of a reason for it. 

I get back to class and he has sent me streaks once more. I don’t want to leave him on open for some reason so I snapped him back. My phone buzzed once more. I opened my phone to find out that he is once again single. 

I’m kinda happy but sad for him. At least now I have a chance. “Are you okay?” I ask him. 

“Yeah, I just don’t know why she did it,” he tells me. 

It makes sense why he might not know. Most people don’t really explain a lot when they do things like that. He askes me if I wanted to facetime later that day so I just told him sure. He’s probably just sad and needs someone right now.  

Later that evening he calls me so we can talk. “When I just dropped you, were you hurt? Trust me, I didn’t mean to, it just happened so fast and…” he explains to me.

“It’s fine, I was a little hurt but I’ve gone through that kind of stuff before so,” I tell him. 

I can tell he’s been crying and he also told me he was so he must trust me. He goes to sleep as he says it is the only thing he feels he can so. 

We have been on and off talking now for a few weeks. He is nice but things are different. It’s around Thanksgiving and we have barely talked. He keeps calling me and texting me really late at night. This could either mean he misses me and just wants to talk to me or he could just be bored but it’s fine. As long as we are still friends, I’m ok with it.

He is going to a football game for the marching band so naturally, he was bored. Its the day before Thanksgiving and he has been texting me a lot. Later that night he told me liked me. This makes me very happy even though it was pretty obvious. 

Another week has passed and everything is going great. It’s still all a little confusing. For every moment he is telling me that he misses me and sending me hearts. It’s really sweet but I just don’t get why we can’t just get together. He is already wasting his time talking to a girl like me so I must mean something to him. 

It has once more been another week and he just told me he loved me but he wants to wait for us to get together till after the holidays. I really don’t want to wait but if it means being with him than I am willing to wait. 

After another week or two goes by it seems as if he is ghosting me. He hasn’t been talking to me and I’m scared I’m losing him. I can’t lose him. He means to much to me for it to get to this point. We have too much. For it to all stop now. 

I never wanted to be that girl that cries over a boy but to be honest I have cried. I started having a mental breakdown class and then again when my friend asked me what was wrong.

I can’t keep stressing my self out about this. I have to ask. I was going to wait until after Chrismas but at this point, he is now posting things about another girl and I need to know who it is. “So whos this girl?”I ask him. I’m scared to see what he was going to say next. Who could it be? I have a very strong feeling that it is his ex. “It’s my ex…” well I was right. After a while went by of me crying and trying to figure things out with him I try to calm myself down. I keep running through everything in my head. All he kept saying was “I’m sorry” and “I don’t know”. The worst feeling is just knowing he chose her over me. 

After time passes I know I still like him and maybe even love him but it’s time to move on. I will try even when he comes back to me maybe I’ll go back to him but my broken heart is al that is heald. 

I feel the weight lifted, I don’t feel happy nor do I feel sad. I never would have expected it to happen like that but most of all I never would have expected the way I feel for people. It’s like it has opened my eyes to the fact that people aren’t always going to stick around or be there for you but life will always go on and there will always be someone else to help you carry the weight of life. They will always be the ones you want in your life.