My Dads A Killer?

“Hey, I’m gonna be home just a little bit late tonight. I’m running by the library.” I tell Mason through the phone. Masons my boyfriend of five years, on Tuesday.

“Okay, No worries see you when you get home. Love you.”

“Love you.” I say and hang up.

Right now I’m taking forensic classes and I’m totally lost. You‘d think it‘d be easier. But you’d be mistaken. So, I’m on my way to get a forensics for dummy book. My mom says this is the right path for me and I should stick with it though. She says my dad would really proud too. He was killed when I was two, he was shot.

I get out of the car and start walking into the library. This library is probably the nices ones you could come across. It’s tall and futuristic looking. Completely glass and has this huge tree in front, like the circle of life tree from the Lion King. That’s why I call it the Lion King library. It’s special.

Mrs. Darcy, the head librarian greets me. Shes a funny little thing, fierce too. “What are ya lookin’ for doll?” She asks.

“Forensics for dummies. Could you point me to the crime section, please?”

“Ah, right around the corner.” She answers, pointing.

“Thank you, Mrs. Darcy.” I say and walk towards the section.

When I get to the shelves, there are hundreds and hundreds of books. Some talking about mass-killers and other talking about the victims. I run my fingers across the spines and look at all the titles.

‘How to stop a killer!’, hmm, wonder how promising that is. Another one says, ‘Behind the scenes of the FBI’, That sounds interesting. I grab it and knock three books off the shelf and it echos. This is embarrassing. I grab the books I knock over and reach to out them on the shel, but one catches my eye. Is that my dads name?? Is that him? On this book? I look at the title. I’m stopped in my tracks and I can feel the color bleeding from my face. ‘Inside the mind of the Carter Brookes, the killer we all know.’ What?

I am holding the books in my hands and my i can’t stop shaking. My dads a killer? My breathings gone heavy and I can feel the hit tears running down my cheeks. I didnt know this. What? I’m in shock. My dad? A killer? I look at the back and I see more pictures of him and I go into a complete sob. My dad was a killer and I find out this way? From a book that I knocked off a shelve? In a library in the middle of Utah?

Should I look through it? I sit down with my back facing against the shelf. I open up to the first chapter, ‘His drive’. I put this down. I can’t read this. But I owe it to myself, right? I pause and just stare at the book. This isn’t real, it can’t be. He died from a shooting- he was the victim.

After 30 minutes of sitting here, flipping, and looking through the pages, I’m completely hurt. Why didn’t I know any of this? I’ve learned he killed 20 people and was taken away from his family (us) and apparently we meant everything to him. I need to call my mom.

I get my phone and let her ring. “Mom?” I say, you can hear the hurt in my voice. I dont know how I’m going to tell her. But she knows. Why didn’t she tell me?

“Honey, what happened?”

“Um..Mom, I’m at the library and I’ve found the his book about dad.” I struggle getting through the sentence.

She gasps, “What?”

“Why didn’t you tell me? How didn’t I find out?”

“Maddie, what does the book say?”

“I haven’t read a lot of it. Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to come over and I want you to tell me everything.”

“Yeah, okay that’s fine. Dinner will be ready when you get here.”

I hang up. My hands still haven’t stopped shaking. Should I really be mad about her not telling me? The guilt and hurt I would be feeling from knowing would have ruined me. I can’t be mad, but I’m upset. I’m being calm about this, I’m not blowing up. But, I should of known. At least some of it. Not all the details.

I called Mason and let him know that I’ll be home late. I told him my mom wanted me over for her church group. I can’t tell him about this right now.

***

I pull into her driveway and sit in my car for a second. I’m bracing myself. I’m in shock right now. I know it will hit be tomorrow and hurt more. I get and walk up to her porch. I knock three times. She comes to the door immediately and she has tear stained cheeks.

“We can sit at the table. Did you bring the book?” She says, leading me to her table.

I nod. I’m saving my breath. I pull the book out of my purse and lay it out in front of her. Her eyes get glossy again.

“What do you wanna know first?” She asks.

“How did I not find out from anyone? Not on the news, family, close friends? And why?”

“Money. Grandma paid everyone for you not to find out,” She takes my hand. “You have to understand it was for you protecting. We didn’t want you living with fear or hurt constantly.”

“We’re you going to tell me? Ever? How did you think I wasn’t gonna find out?”

“You we’re gonna find out at some point. I always knew that. Hate me for this, but I didn’t want to have to tell you. I thought since it was 40 years ago, you wouldn’t see things like this.” She says, gestures to the book.

“Why did he do it?”

“He was angry.”

“So he killed people?”

“He was angry, so he killed people? Did he hurt you?” I add.

She shakes her head. “No he never laid a hand on anyone he loved.”

“What was wrong with him? What inside him made him wanna kill someone? It can’t just be anger mom. I mean I’m in my first semester for forensics, but I know that can’t be it. Mom, I know you know.”

She looks down at her plate. We haven’t even started eating yet. The foods getting cold.

“He had multiple personalities. Two. When he was angry it triggered his even angrier ego. He would go on killing sprees.” She says through tears. This isn’t easy for her. I imagine this isn’t something she wants to revisit.

“You excepted that? Did you try to get help for him?

“I had to except it. He wasn’t always like that. After his dad and mom died, that’s when it happened. And I did try to get him help. He wouldn’t let me do it for him, not even behind his back.”

“Did he tell you when he was doing it?”

“Never. It was always when I would visit it family or friends. When I was out of town. And I wanted a divorce, even though I loved him more than anyone understood. But I knew that would make things worse in his head so it never happened.”

“I’m not mad at you mom.” I say, looking up at her. I think she needs to hear that.

“Your not?” And she tilts her head a little. “Because, I would be.”

“No. I’m in shock right now. Everything feels numb and J didn’t really know him. We weren’t close,” I choke on my tears. “But I thought he was the victim, not the guy behind the trigger.”

“I know. I’m impressed on how calm you’re reacting. And I’m sure this will all hit differently tomorrow. But you have to understand, knowing everything will make it harder to cope with. Now that you kno, I think we should save the details. I know you came here for answers. When it’s time I can dish them to you, but not in one night. That’s not right to you.” She says.

I know she’s right. If I knew everything, who knows what my mindset would be or what I would do.

“Let’s eat.” I say and I look up at her. I change my mind. I don’t wanna know all this right now. It’s to heavy.

We finish dinner and we clean up the dishes.

“Can I leave the book here? I don’t wanna return it and I don’t wanna read it.” I ask.

“Yeah, sure. You can leave it on that table.” She answers.

“Thank you. For telling me all this and letting me come over in the moment. I know it must be hard to revisit all of this.”

“Of course, you had to know at some point. I’m glad you called me though,” She says and I grab my keys off the coffee table. “Maddie, don’t brush this off though. I know you’re hurt and scared. I can tell. Don’t move past it as fast as you can.” She adds.

“I won’t. I love you mom, I have to get back to Mason.” I lean over and hug her goodbye and I hold on for a couple seconds longer. She lets go and I walk out, carefully shutting her door behind me. I sit in my car for a second. I can’t wrap my head around any of this. My dads a killer. My. Dad. Is. A. Killer. There all foreign words.

On my drive home I couldn’t help but just cry the whole time. I took the long way home so Mason didn’t see the tear stains. Hoping they would dowry in time.

“Hey? How was it?” Mason asks, when I walk in.

“It was good, my mom said hi.” I say, putting my stuff down.

“You sure? You okay, babe?” He says pulling me into him.

“I will be, but I don’t want to talk about it tonight. Another time.” I say looking up at him.

“Okay, the beds made. You can go to bed if you want. I’ll stay out here and give you space.”

“Yeah, okay.”

He kisses the top of my head and I go into our room. I don’t take off my clothes and change. It’s to much work right now. I crawl into bed and my phone rings. I look over and it’s my mom.

“Hello?”

“Maddie?”

“Yeah it’s me”

“Okay, I don't know how this tiny iPad works.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No, I just wanted to say goodnight and wish you sweet dreams. It will be a heavy night.”

“Oh, goodnight mom. I love you.”

“I love you.”

And I hang up. At the end of today, this book completely changed me. It’s a new part of me now. I know things, I wish i didn’t.