Submitted to: Contest #316

Sense of Self

Written in response to: "Write a story where a character's true identity or self is revealed."

Adventure Creative Nonfiction Drama

I watched an interesting youtube clip recently, with a psychic mentioning what she saw when she looked into the Akashic Records to see where Donald Trump’s roots stemmed from. Apparently, Donald Trump is an angel that was brought down to earth in order to lift humanity’s consciousness in some way by being this ignorant, egoic, non conformist character who forgot its role up there in heaven.

“I’m laughing because there were a group of angels who all gathered together to discuss who would take on this role for the upcoming lifetime, and all of them were like, ‘Oh no, I don’t want to do it!’ shaking their heads.” And yet, one of these souls agreed to the part when they signed their next soul contract for their upcoming incarnation. I can at least give him an Oscar for playing the best leading asshole role in his own show. When you express yourself this well, in your actions and behaviors, that you become one with it and stay true to that.

He is oddly raising consciousness for humanity in a way alright. Something that I actually give this soul for credit for is the fact that it plays its role very well, and that does keep it healthy in whatever plane it currently is situated in. Kudos to you for staying grounded and remaining true to who you are.

A sense of self, confidence, and pride in who you are is essential in order to be a healthy person. The thing that makes this difficult is the fact that there can be so many damn layers to a person and so many energies that one soul has to work with. These energies make up who you are as a soul, going through your own particular journey in space and time with a soul contract and life lessons and themes. You are made up of a collection of experiences, conscious and subconscious, current life, future life, and past life. This is why human beings are too complex to even begin with. One human being can actually start to hate their inner self or hide it and contort it in some manner in order to present themselves in a certain light to social situations and peers.

I know that I have an issue with hiding inner parts of my own self. I feel ashamed of who I am at times, yet I know the moods and feelings are still present and get triggered in the proper situations. As an introvert, I have very good ways of hiding parts of myself, yet you can’t deny that these parts still exist in some shape or form. With social media these days, one can even hide themselves behind a chat screen and contort themselves according to an emoji just to show they care about a liner that an acquaintance had typed up, yet it might be a tactic just to escape and shorten an instant messaging conversation altogether. These facades almost become sort of routinized in a way, yet at the end of the day, subconscious feelings, traumas, and energies still exist. The healthy thing to do is release these feelings and energies, express them in proper healthy ways.

Working properly with energy is not necessarily easy. I have conflicting parts of myself that show up as yin and yang at times. One thing I can tell you is that I encompass the role of both an overly conscious, caring, endearing lightworker and an 18th century aggressive, tough, defensive, guarded soldier. Interestingly enough, the soldier is my most recent past life, whereas the lightworker is my future self that awaits too at the same time. With all that being said, I am also a being that is also trying to create another being’s experiences right now in the present lifetime with my most recent incarnation, Lena. With all that going on, where is my sense of self then? I am too fixated on the past and future being, my whole life theme has been trying to even curate a proper sense of self in my current lifetime, the here and now.

As a lightworker, I was brought down to earth in this generation to teach love. It is especially needed and apparent as humanity “ascends to the 5th dimension”. What this entails is that there is a lot of unnecessary chaos brewing with the human species and how they are treating one another and their very ecosystem. Humans are much more unkind to one another than ever before, ever since the population has exponentially grown within the past century. More acts of this are seen through war, polluting the planet, acts of racism and hate towards one another, crime, to an impact that is starting to see its effects manifest in very negative lights. I can attest to that with the covid 19 virus outbreaks, the recent war that has broken out between Russia and Ukraine, and upcoming climate change concerns. I am sure there is more to come, since karma and homeostasis always takes its form with reshaping how natural beings should healthily interact with one another. It takes a toll on my heart sometimes to see society crumble bit by bit in these ways, and these emotions take a part in my own belief systems and very own thought systems as well.

I know I am a lightworker due to certain clues in my very own moods and thought systems. My wariness of human nature and our current state is one of them. As a child, I had an unhealthy obsession that everything would result in bad karma for me. Other indications are interesting, but they do give the hints at who I “am” up “there” in a future sense.

For one, I came into this lifetime addicted to new age practices such as astrology and palmistry. I wondered when my next transit would be and whether it would be healthy or scary for me. I always wondered what a peer’s birthday was so that I could look up their astrological chart and our synastry charts. This was to help me cope with my current lifetime in the here and now, since astrology can predict the future, but in a very vague sense. You can’t apply a moon’s effects on why you got a C plus on that paper or why you decided to choose to eat the banana bread instead of the bagel, for instance.

I treated this as though it was some belief system I had to adhere to, much like every scrutinized line from the bible. This was a fascination of mine that I hid from a lot of people, but I thought about how this dictated my life. It was probably an indication of some part or form of me that was anxious about something. The future and what it entailed. The largest indicator, mood wise though, was that I wasn’t happy here in the present moment, as Lena, living out her current existing life in 3D form. I wanted to be somewhere “else”.

My existing thoughts as a lightworker that I’ve held throughout this current life come to mind:

“I am scared of what this sun square uranus entails in my chart” (started developing this fear during preteen years when I started studying this subject).

“I wonder what that break in my lifeline is going to entail for me. Death? Spiritual energy shift? Physical accident?” (as I started comparing my hands with others).

“It’s going to be the cell phones that will end humanity due to the massive consumption with the global population of this. Eventual brain cancer will knock the human species out.”(started thinking this in my 20s, but now my assumptions have shifted to whatever the this current decade brings about).

“I don’t want to be here. I just want to count up my good karma points and then be done. Life in this lifetime feels all too familiar but much more dreadful. I’ve gone through some sort of cycle before like this, and I don’t like it. I am just a little bit too wise and act like a mini grown up amongst a lot of my peers”(felt this my whole entire life).

These are just my “lightworker” beliefs and thoughts and moods. Let’s not forget my recent past life moods and thoughts as well.

I am a Taiwanese solder from the 18th century named Luka. I had a psychic mention this to me when he contacted Archangel Michael to see what was behind my prevailing anxiety issues I’ve had my whole life.

I feel both the physical effects and psychological effects from complex post traumatic disorder from a past life in ways that can trigger memories of warfare. All throughout my life, I wondered whether I had OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and what not. This anxious part of me plays its parts especially in work related situations.

I remember having panic attacks after work situations that were especially prevalent the first 5 years after I was even legally able to work at the age of 16. The panic attacks at KFC, my very first job, were very strenuous. I would come home after every shift with my muscles tensed up and strained. I wasn’t able to concentrate, and my mind would fall into this fog. This effect would last for about a few hours before I could mentally bring myself back to my usual sharp levels again. I had this unexplained fear of the “real world” that began brewing during my late teens, as I wondered how I would make it out in this tough environment when I moved out of my parent’s place and became a grown adult. I related that to finally heading for combat and engaging in my fights with others after military training.

I have this side of myself that likes to maintain routines and follow orders strictly, and if I don’t, then all chaos will ensue. Military men have to follow orders and adhere to them or else, at all times. It pertains to even the most scrutinized smallest tasks. I always keep my guard up in front of others, and I value my privacy above all else. I don’t trust anyone really, because I am wary that one will come into my life to sabotage me in some way. Is my life on my line? I subconsciously relay this to the simplest decisions in my life and become overly critical. I can’t help but think this is due to what my own soul is so used to in my previous life, whereby I was placed in a completely different environment. I was fighting for warfare for fuck’s sake, and now, I’m here in this lifetime trying to make it out as a cute, innocent asian female in a well developed North American country?

I have this side of my character that can get very riled up and angry if I get triggered the right way too. I’m fully aware of this psychological tendency of mine, as my chest gets this instinctive intuitive hurt feeling every time someone may piss me off in some way. I feel it and then I try to tame that beast that is inside of me as well, although I know that the energy is still there. The energy is still being possessed, by me, of all people. The suppression is like covering a blanket over a crying baby and trying to ignore it by walking out of a nursery. Or maybe trying to place a mute button while on my favourite pop music song that needs to be played and heard. The urges and feelings still exist. I’ve become very good at hiding this part of myself a lot, which is why my number one fear is making others angry. I try to avoid conflict with others. I act like a geisha around others, despite all that is brewing inside me at times.

My thoughts and beliefs related to Luka include:

“Oh no, please separate the red peppers from the green peppers and place them in separate bags next time so I don’t upset a cashier at Freshco again” (Just last week as I felt the knot in my stomach form after a grumpy middle-aged cashier made her snide remark at me and separated the items to price them out differently).

“I need to line up all my shoes in an orderly, proper way. All my clothes have to be folded properly. OR ELSE” (neat freak part of me since childhood).

“I can’t run into my former work colleagues from the store I quit again. Running into them would bring out unbearable circumstances. I must head to the other Dollar Tree store blocks away” (Years back after I had that contemptuous fight with my manager and coworker).

“I am afraid of being of being 5 min late to that planned appointment and meeting. I will face the deathly consequences that will bring out” (Felt this my whole life).

“I want to smash some objects because I have this inner rage in me that just needs to be released. I am trying to contain this pet tiger that does exist within me that I don’t want others to see” (Felt this my whole life).

The lightworker and the soldier part of myself makes me who I am, as an integrated, whole, complex being. Some beliefs and thoughts that rummage through my head as both:

“My skin will catch on fire if I use lighter to attempt to sage my apartment” (couldn’t use my newly bought lighter from the convenience store for hours due to this).

“I must follow spiritual and psychic predictions as mentioned, including the tarot card reading about me having a blessed child in my mid age” (after a simple card reading from a psychic with vague future predictions).

“If a soul doesn’t enter into my life as mentioned this winter, things will not go according to plan with my soul contract. This is unfair and undelegated.

People are complex beings with many sides to who they are. What makes it even more insane and hard to figure others out is you can easily hide behind a veil of who you choose to present yourself as, who you choose to be, a mask you can wear. We are human beings with enough control and inhibition and choice to reveal our true selves with our true intentions, or simply not show these parts of ourselves.

I hated my previous life Luka, and I was always too shy to really show that esoteric side, spiritual self that wanted to save our planet from the ravage that we would go through in the coming generation as an Indigo child, who just wanted all the bastards around me to just practice “love” and preach what it’s like “up there”, filled with love. All the meantime, I am building new memories as a new being now, in this lifetime, with more feelings and experiences to mold me to become even more difficult to figure out. Our true selves can become so suppressed that it inevitably comes out and bursts out during a psychotic episode, a drunken episode, or perhaps a really therapeutic meth trip.

How should we work with who the fuck we “are”, all at once, with the many sides to our complex characters? For one, never deny who you are. The good, the bad, the ugly. Accept that all these facets to yourself exist, because they do, in one shape or form. Learn to work with it in a way to express these parts of yourself in a healthy way. If there are beliefs and thoughts to yourself that you are unhappy with, learn to really go deep and analyze where your thoughts and feelings come from, most likely trauma from a past experience.

The conscious acknowledgement of all of this will release the thoughts that just repeat themselves, over and over. Your personality is moldable. This is because energy can be released from yourself as well. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can be transmuted in some way or expressed or released. People carry beliefs and thoughts that are almost programmed to run through one’s head over and over again, and this is why one can be very predictable in how they behave given the right environment and the circumstances.

Crack any of your friend’s head open and examine their thoughts and beliefs. You’d be surprised with all that is swarming inside that physical brain of theirs. It’s amazing how he or she can hide so much, to even their own loved ones. If you instant message one and he or she replies that they are ‘doing well’, that is never fully the case. They can also play the game and show several sides of themselves: the salesman side of their own self at work, or the unassuming subservient side of themselves in romantic relationships. We choose who we want to present ourselves as, but we can’t change what energies we possess. They make up our own thoughts and feelings. Examine them carefully and work with how you want to slowly change your feelings to create your thoughts in the first place. It takes a lot of conscious work to do this, but it is possible.

Posted Aug 15, 2025
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