Not a Little Kid Anymore

I held on tightly to my mother’s hand as we began crossing the street that our church stood at the end of. I could feel the nervous sweat from my palm meeting her warm and soft hand, and I suddenly felt very ridiculous. I was eleven years old. I was basically a grown-up, and grown-ups don’t hold their mom’s hands when they cross the street. With an urge to redeem myself from this humiliating display of immaturity, I tried to pull my hand from my mothers. Her warm and soft hand did not budge, and instead, my mother’s hand decided to tighten its grip on mine.  

“Caleb,” She whispered in my ear. “Don’t let go of my hand. I don’t want you getting hurt.” 

How embarrassing. I’m eleven years old for goodness sake!

“I can walk across the street on my own, Mom.” I grumbled, attempting to escape her grip once more. “I’m eleven years old. I’m not a little kid anymore.” 

My mother’s grip tightened. “No,” She started, pulling me along a little harder as we stepped up the curb. “I don’t suppose you are.” 

I could suddenly feel my anger at my mother swirling at the bottom of my stomach. With all of the strength that I could muster, I yanked my hand away from hers and ran ahead of her to catch up with my father and my sister.

I wiped my sweaty hand on my terrible khaki pants my mom made me put on that morning. I looked over my shoulder to see her giving me a face that I didn’t want to look at. I turned back around quickly, shoving my still sweaty hands in my pockets. I knew for sure that I would never hold her stupidly warm and soft hand ever again. 

⭑⭑⭑

“Caleb!” My mom called up to my room. “There’s a friend here to see you!” 

I grinned at myself in the mirror and pulled my sweatshirt on over my head. I ignored the trembling in my hands and instead ran them through my messy hair. 

“Coming!” I yelled down to my mom, jamming my pointer finger onto the giant pause button on my CD player, making my music come to a stop. I pulled my door open and took a deep breath before taking controlled, relaxed-looking steps down the stairs.

“Hey, dude!” Liam said at the bottom of the stairs, hand in pocket, leg kicked out comfortably, and standing next to my mother. He looked so calm that it almost made me angry. “You ready?”

“Yep,” I answered him, pulling my hood over my head as I reached the floor-landing and approached the front door. 

“Hey,” My mother started, stepping in front of me and blocking my view of the front door. “Don’t do anything dumb, but make sure to have fun.” Her kind brown eyes searched mine, and I could’ve sworn that she was staring right through me, looking directly at the back of my brain and reading my thoughts. All of my guilt laced thoughts. 

“We will be, Mrs. Brady.” Liam drawled, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side, grinning at me. “Don’t you worry, ma’am. I’ll take good care of him.”

My heart dropped to my stomach and raced furiously. I felt my hands start to form a layer of nervous sweat. Maybe this was a bad idea. 

My mom smiled gently, looking from Liam, to Liam’s arm wrapped around me, to my face. I met her kind eyes again, and suddenly felt incredibly embarrassed. I pulled away from him quickly, hearing his arm fall to his side. He nonchalantly placed his hand back into his pocket and gave my mom another one of his charming smiles. 

“It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Brady.” He said, his low voice making my legs start to shake a little more than I was hoping they would. “We’ll get going now.” He slapped his hand on my back and gently pushed me towards the front door. 

“It was very nice meeting you, too, Liam.” My mother’s voice sounded from behind me, but I didn’t dare turn around. I knew that if I met her eyes again, I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool.  

Liam reached his arm around me and opened the door, continuing to push me out of the house. Once we had gotten out of the door and into his car, he turned to face me and started laughing almost quietly. 

“You know, Caleb,” He started, turning his keys in the ignition. “When you said that you hadn’t told your mom yet, I had no idea you were gonna act like that in front of her.” He said teasingly, the lines by his eyes crinkling because of his bright smile. 

I covered my face with my hands and groaned dramatically. “That was pretty bad.” I admitted quietly, smiling at the floor of his car. 

Liam barked out a laugh as he began to reverse his little car down my driveway. “Oh, Caleb, ‘pretty bad’ doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what happened back there.” 

⭑⭑⭑

When I got home that night, I was hoping that everyone would be in bed, and I could just sneak in without having whatever conversation my mom was probably planning while I was gone. I shut the door quietly behind me and started to slowly make my way up the stairs two at a time. 

“Caleb,” I heard my mother’s kind voice whisper from the bottom of the stairs, causing me to stop in the middle of one of my strides. “How’d the date go?” 

My heart jumped to my throat this time, and I felt like I was about to fall backwards. 

“Date?” I muttered back, trying to sound calm, but the sound came out more scraggly and tearful than I was hoping. I stared straight ahead at the wall in front of me. 

“Yeah,” My mother started again, starting to make her way up the stairs as well. “With that Liam boy. He seems very nice.” 

I swallowed loudly and looked down at my watch. 1:37 am. Why was she still awake?

“Oh…uh, well,” I stammered, looking for something to say. How did she know? “It, uh…you know...yeah.”  

My mother laughed lightly behind me, almost like how Liam had laughed a couple hours ago. “I liked that boy,” She said, placing one of her soft hands on my arm. “And I can tell he likes you.” 

I felt my heart flutter for a moment before returning to its rightful place in my chest. She was okay with it. She liked him. I smiled at the wall one last time, and slowly turned around to face her kind brown eyes. 

“Thanks, Mom.” I murmured, placing my hand on top of hers, which was resting on my arm. I finally felt like I was breathing again. My mother smiled down at hands and laced her fingers through mine. 

“It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten to hold your hand.” She said, her voice gentle and soothing. “I missed it.” 

I laughed under my breath before squeezing her hand lightly. “I guess me going on my first date means I’m not a little kid anymore, huh?” 

She met my eyes again, and I could’ve sworn they were shiner than usual. “No,” She said, holding my hand a little tighter and beginning to pull me up the stairs with her. “I don’t suppose you are.”