The one without any words

“That’s it, I am done, I give up” I yelled out as I stepped into my apartment. No one was there, not sure what I expected to happen but for some reason I needed to make it audible. 

“I AM DONE!!!” I repeat again, only this time louder. 

Did that convey complete disgust? Can you sense my mood based on the tone, the specific words I chose? Maybe I need to use slightly stronger ones to really seal the deal, or maybe, maybe just say, nothing. 

Honestly, that is the point I have reached, I am out of words! I have absolutely none left to put out into the world! No one is actually listening anyway. We are all running around like zombies, staring at screens rather than having face to face conversations with actual humans. So that’s it, I have no more energy or oxygen to give, can I refuse to speak anymore, like to anyone, is that a thing? Not sure it could get any worse out here, so why not conduct a little experiment?

The one without any words…

Let’s do this! 

The smell of fresh coffee, using my favorite “main character energy” mug, wearing my favorite pink sweater and a cute wool scarf with ribbons on it, hair doing what it should, the day is off to an amazing start already! Why add words? Let’s just exist quietly, silently, it sounds amazing too…oh wait, guess it doesn’t really sound like anything! 

They say, whoever they are, that you know a man likes you based on what they do, not what they say. It’s all about the actions, they speak volumes, oh that’s funny, the actions speak, or how about actions speak louder than words, I guess that was referring to all the men. Apparently, the good ones are just running around doing things, not speaking, just doing, the strong silent types. I will take a page from their “man”ual and try to do that too! 

I walk to work every day, New York City, smells like dreams, bills, last night’s dinner and cat pee, just to name a few scents that greet me as I exit my building. I nod to the doorman, Tom, no words, just a nod and a smile. I wonder if Tom noticed the change, usually I say “good morning, Tom” which I absolutely despise saying. 

I mean yes, I hope Tom’s morning is good but that is what everyone says to Tom. 

I want to say, “what keeps you up at night with worry?”

 “How do you feel about penguins?”

 “What is your favorite childhood memory? 

You know something, anything, besides good morning but I never have. Tom would probably think I was crazy but one thing is certain he would remember me and, in my mind, I believe I would be associated with a positive memory! That seems like a win! 

Yet, day after day, I just say “good morning, Tom.” Tom returns this morning’s smile and chooses not to speak either. Perhaps Tom has reached his breaking point too!

Although it isn’t necessary for the experiment, I suppose I should let you in on what pushed me over the edge, the straw that broke the camel’s back if you will, what actually does that even mean? Who put those words together to paint a picture and did it work? One second while I google that saying and the why behind it… 

Hi, me again. So, it has to do with the one straw too many that was loaded onto the camel’s back. That one straw, although on its own quite insignificant, caused the camel to reach the point of no return. Why did I think it had something to do with what the camels slept on at night, like in the barn, on a pile of straw for cushioning. Nope, it’s all about the load the camel has placed on him. We are all camels just walking around with all the things piled on us, no one sees them, but there is so much straw everywhere! What a shame the only camel reference we use involves their toe, picture eye roll! 

My last straw was when my boyfriend of three years, failed to recognize I needed help. I mean everyone needs help, I didn’t need actual like damsel in distress help, like he didn’t leave me to carry in groceries or stranded without an umbrella, alone in a dark alley while he caught up with buddies, he left me feeling alone even though I was part of a couple, I should have a partner, someone to pick me up when the straw is starting to pile up too high. He didn’t care about my straw pile; not sure he ever did. 

There are only so many ways to tell someone what is bothering you, what you need from them. While ironically, I never used the camel and straw reference, I said just about every other possible word combination out there in an attempt to get this man to see the light! He would “say” all the right things but never change, like never. No actions! Just empty words, just my complete and total waste of words, carefully constructed, as not to hurt him, but instead to help guide him but all along the words, they didn’t matter! 

So, you ask, what was it, what was the final straw? Super anticlimactic although that makes sense since it is just a piece of straw, he wouldn’t water my plants when I was out of town. Like refused, it was too much of an inconvenience. I mean my plants, not like they need daily care, they aren’t exotic or tropical or anything requiring daily anything. It was a snake plant I had somehow managed to keep alive for a record amount of time and a few little succulent things on a shelf in my kitchen. Pop by once while I am out of town and care for my plants. Ten minutes tops, could even swing by the sandwich shop he likes and grab a bite to eat, make a little afternoon of it, but nope, too much to ask. 

Well guess what, I am no longer asking, I don’t want your plant help or to be your partner. I’m good! Furthermore, I don’t even have the energy or desire to explain that to you in words, just going to let my actions do the talking. Go pick up my things, wave and walk away, that ought to do it!! I choose my plants, they don’t need my words, just need consistent action and look how well it works, they are quietly and silently, thriving! 

My work day was going well so far, I’ve not had to speak to anyone. I am a transcriptionist, just listen to court proceedings, mediations, voice recordings and transcribe them into a document. I listen to words all day, funny though, there aren’t really any extra words in the recordings, very focused, very on point, very say what needs to be said and make progress. In a way the recordings were encouraging, words occurred and resolution followed. Imagine that! 

So why was that successful, it was very task oriented, trained professionals doing what they do best and guiding the conversation to an end goal? Maybe that was the issue, no one is actually a trained professional at living life and interacting with the other camels of the world. I mean sure people have studied human behavior, work in fields that help others, are trained to diffuse situations etc. but I am talking about the everyday life stuff. The parts where we are all real and things get messy, where our thoughts, feelings, emotions, opinions overflow out of the box those around us are expecting us to stay in. Then what, all of the sudden no one knows what to say or even do, at that point even the actions that might prove helpful, elude them. We do our best, muddle through it, use our words and just hoping they land in a way that makes sense.

We try, I would say most people try, they try to the limit they have experience in, the line that they know they can go up to because they know what is there, but heaven forbid that line is crossed or left in the dust, now what? Words and actions, words and actions, words OR actions?

My workday was nearing the end, I realized getting food for dinner might be my first real challenge. It is hard to order anything without speaking, especially in a food setting, words were pretty important. What is the workaround, awe yes, online ordering. Chinese it is! I do love broccoli beef, white rice and spring rolls! Alright, check, order placed.  

I exit the building and head to the restaurant. I am slightly concerned because I will likely have to tell the cashier my name so they will know which order is mine. I mean I could show them my phone receipt and not speak, gosh that seems super rude. I could pretend I don’t speak, like I am physically unable but that makes me feel bad, I can 100% speak, I could stand on the pick-up counter and yell out my name if I chose to, doesn’t seem right to pretend that is not something I am capable of doing. Not a huge fan of lying either, although I am just one camel amongst many camels, is there a word for a mass of camels, yes, googled it, a group of camels is called a caravan. We are just out here on a journey together, caravaning through life. So would anyone remember if I didn’t speak and then later I did, nope, not likely! 

Approaching the counter, I decided to type out in the notes app on my phone that I lost my voice and what my name was for picking up the order. It worked! I think actually they threw in some special soup to help my throat. Not only did I not have to speak, I apparently earned a prize, the universe gave me a little bonus, this seriously might be the way to go for the rest of my life. Give me all the soup!

Reflecting on my day while sitting in my cozy apartment, I couldn’t help but notice I felt more energized than I normally did. The not speaking had conserved precious energy! What to do with all of this new found energy, well the sky is the limit! I can get out the art supplies and get creative, read one of the five books stacked on my nightstand, bake a new dessert recipe I’ve been wanting to try or maybe just be still, sitting quietly and silently thriving! 

Just then there was a knock at my door. Hmmm, this could be bad, how does one avoid speaking when someone comes to your door? While I made my way to the door I could feel my frustration building, I had gone almost an entire day without saying anything to anyone and it was about to be ruined by someone unexpected. I looked through the peephole. It was Tom, the doorman, not sure what he might need but of course I opened the door. After all, he is someone that knows I am home. 

“Good evening, ma’am, sorry to bother you, I believe you dropped your scarf on your way inside tonight,” Tom said. 

I couldn’t not reply in words. They were necessary, needed, honestly even required. An act of kindness should be acknowledged verbally. Sure, I could have pulled out my phone and the notes app and that likely would have been ok, but it didn’t feel right. 

As I made peace with the fact I was about to speak, it dawned on me that perhaps the loss of words, the frustration over endlessly speaking using pointless energy wasn’t the problem. It was what I didn’t say, what I should say, what I was afraid to say that people probably really needed to hear? Those were the words that needed to come out of me, my gift to the world, the contribution to the caravan, the very thing that made me different than all of the other camels, words said in a way that only I could say them. 

“Thank you, Tom! That was so kind of you to return it.”

Tom smiled, much like the required smile he gave this morning, you know the courtesy smile. Not the one with your teeth, just enough to be recognized as a smile.

“So, Tom, tell me something, how do you feel about camels?”

Tom chuckled, I saw his teeth and I noticed how when he laughed his eyes closed ever so slightly as his face adjusted to his genuine smile. I had never seen Tom laugh. I wondered if anyone in the building had, it sounded amazing!