Illness through the years

My Dear Diary

Hi me from the future! I just got this cool diary and I’m going to try and write you messages for future me (you) to see. I don’t really know what I’m going to say but I will write whatever is on my mind. 

4/12/2015

Hey, I don’t really know what I’m writing but everything lately has been absolute hell, my dad passed away and my mom’s getting sick, I have no friends but I want to write out everything that’s happening because I don’t know what else I can do to cope, I’ll write whenever something mildly happy happens although I doubt it,

sincerely- you

4/10/2018

Hi me,

I guess I haven’t written in this diary for a hot minute but I found you after moving for the fourth time since I last had this. My mom is better now, I started therapy because maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a small part of me wants to find it. I’m trying my best and I’m finding new methods of staying clean and healthy, it’s not an easy journey but I’m trying really hard because I’m terrified of my sicknesses. I hope I get better.

sincerely- you

4/10/2019

Hey, I’m currently at the hospital and I’m terrified. The doctors told me I have something called depression and it’s why I’ve felt so terrible the past years, they told me it’s hard to cure because it’s a mental illness but I feel lost, I wish someone could help me escape this, I’ve never felt so afraid. I’m starting to think that the tunnel has no end. Who knows if they’ll be an update.

sincerely- you

4/12/2020

Dear you…

Hi, remember me? I’m the person who’s been ruthless and cruel to you for the past couple of years, you’ve cried more tears than the ocean can handle and endured more pain than a bulletproof vest because of me. I’ve reminded you of your flaws and insecurities, those were my favorite to point out. I also made it my duty to make your life impossible, ruining every good opportunity with anxiety and overthinking. That's surely something that came up a lot. I am the reason why you have only suffered for so many years and can’t form any type of relationship with anyone. But I’m also the person who wiped the tears from your pillow at 2 am, remember me yet? I’m the one who reminded you to breathe when you started to choke up and suffocate. I made you get out of your bed after lying for hours thinking about absolutely nothing. I couldn’t make you happy because that’s your choice but believe me I did everything in my power. You were so weak when I found you but we got through it, didn’t we? I still make you cry but not every night, I’ll still show your flaws but not as much because you grew to love them. I am the person who has made and ruined your life at the same time. After having to put up with you during all of your panic attacks and emptiness I sorta felt bad so from my heart I want to say that, I’m sorry. Truly sorry, I’m so sorry for all of the countless nights that you were crying to fall asleep just wanting to escape, I couldn’t leave you though because I am you. We’ve been through a lot, to say the least, but we’re still here. You are standing big and tall, you’re not afraid of me but now enjoy my company. I’m sorry for all the physical damage I caused and scars but they don’t hurt when people touch it.i could go on and on but I just wanted to say sorry,

sincerely- you

4/11/2021

Dear you…

Hey it’s me again, It’s been a year now (time flies). So things have been kind of crazy, I’m graduating this year and I got accepted into my dream college last December with early admission, although I’m not starting this fall I’m taking a gap year to travel to places I’ve always wanted to go to so that’s exciting, social distancing is finally over and life has been really happy, I hope all is well, I think that after 6 years I found the light at the end of the tunnel. And I forgive you.

sincerely- you

Notes:

• I am tougher than I think
• I can beat depression (I did)
• There is always a light at the end of the tunnel

P.S

Mental illness is real and I wish to end the stigma. People go through these issues for years and may not find the help they need because of the stigma of going to therapy. If you need help please do not hesitate, you are important,loved,needed. We need you here with us. If you ever feel the need to talk to someone please call the national suicidal hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

And if you aren’t able to say it yourself; I love you.

Nxoxhxiucoh ucbhdnjsnjenue cjendjenxxx hwnsxjnexuneuxnex nxuedn d d d d d d.  D d d d. D dd d d d d d. D dd. D d d dd. D ddi d d d d d d d d s s s a a s s d d. F r endmd cj. Cjd. Dk. Djc c djc d emck c j.  Jd. i hiiI’m ffgh. Gb s x x s s s. S s s s s. S s ss s s s s. S s s s s s s s m smx x. N n j j j j kk j j j j j j j j j j j j j. Jj j j j. Kk k k k k k k k k n n nn cn ncnnc c d d e e e d d.  N j j j jj j j h h y. T tt. Tt y h j j j j j j j j i i i ii j j