Eyes

This story contains themes of mental health, physical violence and suicide.

Have you ever felt life has become too much to deal with, so much so, you wish you could just disappear? I guess everyone feels like that from time to time; hell, I feel like that right now. It has been a week since the horrible accident occurred and strangely nothing has changed. No one has even come by my apartment to speak with me about it; not a single knock upon my door. Everything seems to be fine at least that’s what I desperately want to believe. That would just be wishful thinking by a foolish man. I can’t afford to think that way. I won’t allow myself to; hell, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I can feel them, every second of the day, every day for this past week. I can’t shake this feeling no matter how much I try. It’s been hard to pry my lips away from the beer cans and cigarettes trying to calm my nerves; my apartment is littered with them as if I were a NEET. There has been no respite from this feeling, this squirming and crawling beneath my skin, like worms tunneling their way through moist soil. There is no escaping them, the sting of their glare, there judgement. Damn, I’m out of beer and cigarettes. I guess it’s time to head down to the store once again; a simple task I used to enjoy that has now become a daily dread. I know they’re out there waiting, anticipating the moment I rise up out of my hovel, but there is no escaping them, the eyes.

I throw some clothes on, nothing special. My aim is to simply get in and out without drawing any attention to myself. This had been quite stressful at the beginning but after a week I think I’ve gotten the hang of it. As I cautiously step outside my door, I casually look around to ensure no one is watching. I don’t notice anyone but already I feel them as if they are watching me from their windows. Why can’t people just mind their own damn business? I try to shake the thought from my head. There is no time to get angry. People will do what people do just like I’m going to the store for food. I head down to the car. It was a beautiful day out; the sky was a brilliant blue. Usually, I would walk to the store, which is only a few blocks away, a little special time for myself to be outside to enjoy the day, but not this week; that simple pleasure has been taken from me. My eyes dart around as I noticed a man coming out of his apartment. I hurry and climb into my car hoping he didn’t see me. I slouched down in my seat as I watched him walk over and get into his car and finally drive away. I’m in the clear. I’m suddenly startled by a loud hard tapping against my window; my pulse is racing as I jump to look.

“Do you have any spare change?” asked a homeless man pressing his unclean unshaven face against the glass. He suddenly paused as he looked into my eyes as if he realized something. I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach.

“Get the hell away from me!” I shouted as I started the car and pulled out fast and aggressively as he fell back to the asphalt trying to get out of the way.

“What the hell are you doing? You crazy…” I heard him shout as I sped away. Does he know? The way he looked at me, the look in his eyes, but there is no way he could know. I just need to hurry and get to the store, get what I need and get back home.

Even in this car, as I drive, I feel I’m being watched. Stopping at the lights I raise my hand to shield the driver in the neighboring car from seeing me, but I know they’re looking; I can feel their eyes. Get a hold of yourself. We’re almost to the store; don’t lose yourself to the paranoia. Even at a time like this I couldn’t help noticing how nice it would have been to walk today.

I pull into the parking lot and after parking I take a moment to breathe and collect myself. I look in the mirror and into my eyes; I’m a wreck. If it weren’t for that damn homeless man, I wouldn’t appear so disheveled. I look around and quickly notice that there are quite a few people around. Just my luck, but I shouldn’t be surprised it is a little after noon. Everyone is probably grabbing something for lunch; just like me. Relax, it’s busy, no one is going to pay any attention to you. You can do this.

I made my way up to the door and when I entered, I quickly looked around. It was a little busier than I had expected. A couple of people took notice as I entered which sapped some of the air from my lungs. I quickly put my head down, grabbed one of baskets that were by the door and began shopping. I quickly made my way to the beer and grabbed a few tall boys. Little did I know that was the easy part. When the hell did I become so indecisive? This is not the time, but as I looked around, I couldn’t decide on what I wanted. I looked at the bags of chips and as I did the feeling intensified. Like a fool I froze like an ice sculpture hoping they wouldn’t see me. I know I’m not in Jurassic Park, but I couldn’t help it. I slowly looked side to side wanting to see who was watching me.

There she was quite the sexy lady if I do say so myself. She appeared to be on her way to the gym. Her clothes screamed ‘that’s right, I work out’. I noticed her glancing over at me. Why wouldn’t she? I’m an okay looking guy, well, maybe not too much right now, but surely on a normal day. Who am I kidding; I look like shit right now. It has to be something else. Does she notice something about me? Is there something about me that appears strange? I need to hurry and get the hell out of here. I quickly just grabbed a couple of random bags and tossed them in my basket.

“That seems like quite the healthy diet you have going on.” I quickly turned and there she was looking dead into my eyes with a beautiful smile across her face and with the paranoia running through my veins; she might as well have looked like the devil. “Hi, I’m Samantha. What’s your name?” her pleasant voice was like needles in my heart. I didn’t know what to do in that moment. My eyes were darting around as if desperately searching for a way out. “You’re a shy one aren’t you or maybe the strong silent type? I think that’s sweet.” My emotions are running wild and are beginning to overwhelm me that, rather her suspicious advances are true or not, I just want her to leave me the hell alone. She is standing close, invading my personal space, looking at me; why does she keep looking at me? “Maybe if you tell me your name and give me your number, we could go out some time.”

“Why do you keep staring at me? What is it you find so goddamn fascinating? Christ, woman why won’t you leave me alone?” I shouted at her and the look on her face became flushed with embarrassment. I couldn’t believe I blew up like that. That was the last thing that needed to happen.

“Excuse me sir, is there a problem? Can I help you with something?” I turned and the elderly clerk was glaring at me. I quickly noticed the attention of the store had fallen upon me and chills immediately ran down my spine like an ice cube sliding down your back. I heard them muttering amongst themselves as they looked at me with their judgmental eyes. They see it in me, the truth and they aim to ostracize me. Do they know? Why does everyone keep staring at me? I just came in to get somethings and now everyone is glaring at me like some kind of pariah. I quickly grabbed some random things and tossed them in my basket as I made my way up to the counter.

“Give me a pack of smokes.” I told the clerk. He garbs the pack of cigarettes and bags my stuff. In the awkward moment I paid with my credit card his piercing glare never left me. He tossed the receipt in the bag and as he handed it to me, he didn’t relinquish it. He looked into my eyes as if looking deep into my soul; judging by how old he looked I might as well have been looking into the eyes of death himself.

“You should be ashamed of yourself.” He muttered coldly. His simple words felt as if he poked my bare beating heart with his frail decrepit finger. I yanked the bag away and rushed out the door knocking back a mother and her small child as I climbed into my car.

“Hey, you…” shouted some random guy rushing over to my car. I quickly started it up as he slammed his hands against my car door. I pulled out wildly as he tumbled across the hood of the car and falling off the other side as I sped away. I rushed home like a mad man desperate to survive. This simple trip had been an absolute disaster. I need to get away. I need to disappear, but even in my own home I feel the eyes watching me. There is no escape.

I race up to my apartment as if I were wearing blinders like a racing horse. I open the door and suddenly I’m tackled to floor. I flail around frantically as I turn over. “You almost ran me over asshole!” it was the homeless man from earlier. “You have this coming.” He muttered as he began to pummel me. I shielded myself the best I could as his fists rained down. I was such an idiot. All week I was always careful and now I’m being attacked. Survival mode suddenly kicked in as I fought to get the upper hand. After a couple of opportunistic strikes I finally managed it. I didn’t stop there, I couldn’t, as I jumped on top of him and began to pummel him in kind.

The moment was strange and quite familiar, the feeling of my fist slamming hard against his face, the skull beneath the flesh, every strike was like ecstasy. I sat there over him looking down at the bloody mess as he looked back up at me. Everything seemed to disappear, all sense or reason, the only thing that was on my mind was his eyes; his cringing pain filled eyes. My body reacted and all I could remember was my hands around his throat and shouting. “Stop looking at me! Why won’t you stop fucking looking at me?” in the end he just wouldn’t stop.

I sat on the floor for a few moments looking at what I did, horror twisting my face, as dismay began to set in. I struggled to my feet as I lumbered over to the bathroom looking back swearing I could feel him watching me. I turned on the sink and ran my bloodied hands under the warm running water. I struggled to bring myself to look myself in the mirror. Finally, I muster the courage and I couldn’t recognize the person staring back at me. I had become completely overwhelmed and had succumbed to the essence of paranoia. “Get a hold of yourself no one is watching you!” at such a time that is what’s on my mind; not the death that stained my hands. I reached down and splashed water on my face as I heard a chuckle. I slowly looked up startled as I turned back to the room thinking the homeless guy was still alive, but no, still lying there.

“Hey.” I turned to the mirror as I saw my reflection smiling. “I… see… you.” he muttered as he began to laugh. I was shocked; dumbfounded. “I’ve watched you all along from every reflection from every window, mirror or eyeball. I see you, murderer.”

“That was self-defense.” I argued.

“Perhaps… although, death seems a bit rash. What about the other… from a week ago? Was that self-defense? Either way, I saw what you did and how you enjoyed it, I was there, I was the twinkle in your eye. Thanks to your paranoia now everyone will know what you did; especially since you left your credit card at the store. That poor angry guy you hit with the car was merely trying to return it. I’m sure the police will though and when they do...” I looked back at the body lying on the floor in my living room.

“I need to disappear.” I muttered, my breath shortening, my heart racing in a panic.

“Disappearing sounds like just the idea. Why don’t you have a drink and think about.” My reflection said with a smirk. I opened up a bottle and drank it down and quickly opened another to chase it down with. Suddenly there was a pounding at the door.

“Mr. Alvarez, this is the police. We need to speak with you about the incident that happened at the Quick-Mart.” Without a thought in my mind, or hesitation, I broke the bottle against the edge of the counter; with a severed artery the blood runs quick. The pounding continued as the police stayed persistent. “Mr. Alvarez, open up, we know your home.”

They came kicking the door in minutes later. I bet they were extremely surprised by what they saw, I know I would’ve been, truly shocking to say the least. I’m sure they have a lot of questions and with the answers I have its’s best to simply disappear. One thing I can be sure of is they’ll never find me; nobody will. It may not be ideal but for the first time in all the hours of a week’s time there is no paranoia. I find solace in that I’m somewhere finally free from the prying, the judgmental and the everlasting gazes of the eyes.