Evalyn

I was just drifting at this point, moment to moment, day to day. I knew people, in fact, I was almost always around someone, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t alone. I’d wake up alone and roll out of bed directly into the slippers I had left at the edge of my bed the night before. They were white and fuzzy and had these cute little bunny ears that used to stand up and flop but now there was only one on each foot and the ones that were left just drooped and had little tears in the tops. The fuzz on the slippers had been crushed down like a well-loved toy, you could tell they were old and they didn’t feel all that soft anymore and on days like today, when I was too lazy to adjust them, my heels would stick out the back. I’d trudge to the bathroom and take a piss, taking in the stale scent of an unkempt bathroom. Those were the good days. Other times, I couldn’t even bring myself to stand and I’d just drop my body on the seat and usually end up zoning out as I sat there relieving myself and staring into the pattern of tile on the floor as I debated with myself over whether I needed to shower today or if I could push it off until the next time I don’t want to do it. Once the bathroom ordeal was over with, I would float into my living room/kitchen and usually pass on breakfast. If I ate anything, it would be cold leftovers or something frozen that I’d toss in the microwave. That’s when the hard part started as I’d have to drag myself down the stairs in my apartment building and listen to families laughing and sharing breakfast as I practically tumbled down the stairs, skidding around corners to make the most unbearable part of my morning that much shorter, even if it was also riskier, not that I cared if it was. Sure I could put in my headphones and block out the sounds, but it’s not like I wouldn’t know they were there, so why participate in the charade? When I reached the ground floor of the building, I could finally shove my AirPods in my ears and take a deep breath, knowing the worst part was over, not that the rest of the parts were all that great either. The subway downtown was always packed and my thoughts could run free. Conversation on the New York subway was just about the biggest social faux pas imaginable so you got to be in your own little realm if you were lucky. I’d turn up the music and tune out the world. Maybe I’d visit an old friend like Kurt or Michael or maybe make a new friend like Taylor or Kanye. They’re always there when I need someone. Upon arriving downtown to station 6, it was just a short block, a left turn, and a corporate parking building before I got to Russo’s, the coffee joint where I write my novel, among other side jobs I’m forced to pick up to pay the bills. It was the same every day. Warm atmosphere with a fireplace and a cushy chair in the back where I’d like to sit if I was the first regular in. The rest of the shop consisted of brick walls, little cafe tables, and a counter where you’d make your order, that is if you hadn’t been coming in every day for 6 years so they already had your skim milk cappuccino ready and steaming when you came in. I’d sit there for hours, switching between work on my novel, filling out a database for whatever company I was contracting for that week, and opening rejection after rejection from various publishing companies in my inbox. The world passed by around me while I worked, Jane who worked next door would come by every day at 9 and 11 to get her boss’s decaf chai lattes, Tim from the construction site across the street would come in promptly at noon to grumble about how he didn’t get millennials’ need to make everything complicated and he didn’t understand why it was so hard to just get a regular cup of coffee which he ended up getting without issue every time, and after her shift ended at 3 Sara who worked at Russo’s would make herself a flat white and wish everyone a goodbye to which I always grunted the same “see you tomorrow,” not that I ever got a reply. I remember when I used to come to this shop with Evalyn, feel her hands slink around the back of my neck and down my chest to hug me tightly and ask how the novel was coming along. The kisses under my ear when she would stop by on her lunch break and bring me a bagged lunch so we could sit together. I could still feel those phantom kisses if I thought hard enough or it was a particularly empty day. Today I walked out of Russo’s, slinging my laptop bag over my shoulder, not quite ready to face the outside world but ready to go back home and curl up. I looked up at the setting sun and stared out across the parking facility next door, a concrete oasis amidst the already concrete jungle that is the city. Only a few cars were left this late as most everyone had already gone home for dinner with their respective families. It felt empty, vast. As I walked past it, I thrust my AirPods back in, let my eyes drift closed, and took another steadying breath. I opened my eyes again and exhaled as I pushed my heel up from the blacktop and began the trek back to the station. I took another seat in the middle of the subway car and watched through the window as the tunnels sped past, each station full of families reuniting and people talking and smiling. I could see them, they were so close, yet I was so far, my mind was somewhere else and I could feel the dread sink to my gut as I knew I would be in that somewhere else for a long, long time today. So even though someone asked if the seat next to me was taken, I couldn’t process their request, I could just feel Evalyn’s hair. I could see the people moving around the car, milling about as we passed stop after stop, but I couldn’t process it, I could just smell Evalyn’s coconut shampoo. I could feel myself getting up at my stop and sense myself walk past the Juarez family who lived above me but I couldn’t process their cheery greeting because I could just hear Evalyn’s voice welcoming me home and telling me what she’d made for dinner. Tonight, I didn’t even notice as I walked up the stairs to my 7th-floor apartment, as I turned the wrong key in my door first, as I locked it behind me and walked to the bathroom, stripping as I go because I was ready for that shower I didn’t take that morning. Ready to feel the water wash over me and block out the world. To crack open my 5th try at guessing which brand of coconut shampoo Evalyn used because I can’t for the life of me remember which purple bottle she used to use. Another fail. Maybe 6th time will be the charm? I got out of the shower and floated into a pair of sweatpants and my crushed bunny slippers and glided into the kitchen. Another frozen pizza for dinner, but it’s not that bad as I’ve almost perfected the amount of time I need to microwave it to avoid needing to wait for the oven to heat up. I practically collapsed onto the couch with my uncut pizza as I scroll through the channels, disgusted with everything, and finally decide to eat a fast dinner and just leave on the shopping network as they advertise a new deal for some “fantastic knives” that are surely a rip-off. I trudge back to my bed and leave my slippers at the edge again as I fall into bed and let my eyes drift shut so I don’t have to think about doing it all again tomorrow.