What is Truth

What is Truth

Kathrine St John looked at the photograph that was blown up to twice life-size showing only the head of another old woman with a placid look to her face and empty blue eyes. Kat’s gaze drifted forward past the line of black clade people with heads bowed and sobbing quietly to where the handsome oak casket sat stoically in front of the room. She knew what she would see when she looked into the casket. The line shuffled forward and Kat’s eyes moved again to the three middle aged siblings standing stiffly beside the casket, numbly clasping hands and accepting muttered condolences.

They looked like her, or who she had been anyway. The woman in the casket that was. The single daughter looked so much like her that it made Kat’s heart ache.

She made it to the front of the line. “Hello Hellcat.” She said her voice barely a whisper as she looked down at the woman who used to be Helen…God she longed to reach out to her, but Helen was gone. She had been gone for a long, long time.

…

“I’m afraid she probably won’t remember you love.” The new pretty young nurse said, light sparking off her diamond ring as she opened the door with her key card.

“I know, I keep visiting anyway.” Kat half muttered looking around the place. It seemed nice enough as far as she could tell, clean…sterile really. There were bumpers on the walls and handrails lining the halls. As they passed the open doors, Kat could hear TVs playing loudly, but under it all hung this profound sense of sadness and loneliness.

“Here we are.” The nurse knocked lightly on the door frame and then entered a room like all the others. At least the curtains were open, spilling in bright spring sunlight and thank god the TV was off. Kat hated TV, all it ever played was game shows and those stupid infomercials. “Helen, you have a visitor…” She turned back to Kat with an apology on her face.

“Kat…Kat St John.” Kat supplied, she didn’t take it too personally. She’d forgotten the nurse’s name too.

The nurse smiled and then turned to go, “I’ll be up by reception. Just come get me if you need me.”

“Thank you.”

Kat turned to the wisp of a woman who laid on the hospital bed. A clear tube snaked into her papery arm. It was Helen’s body, but not really Helen anymore.

 “Hey Hellcat how are you today?” Kat asked as she took the chair beside Helen’s bed, but not her hand. Helen turned her dull blue eyes sideways and looked at Kat.

The recognition wasn’t there.

…

“You know Kit-Kat I don’t even want to be here, but since Dan passed away my kids think I can’t live on my own.” Helen huffed as she rearranged her photographs. Kat sat in the lounge chair beside the window, swirling a glass of amber liquid round and round. It was only apple juice, but what was the harm in pretending. She gave Helen a wicked grin.

“You’re the one who wanted brats Hellcat. I was always contented to be a free woman.”

Helen turned so she could roll her bright blue eyes. Kat laughed then her eyes grew serious, “You could live with me.”

Helen froze, “This…place isn’t so bad. I mean they call it independent living right. It’ll be like living at a hotel. There is a pool downstairs.” Her voice was careful, picking around the conversation that had happened many times before and never went anywhere. Kat knew better, she always knew better, but she kept asking anyway.

…

“You never even liked him.” Helen shouted in her face and Kat just stood there. The assembled crowd looked shocked, affronted even to see this older woman shouting at her own husband’s funeral. She was crying, tears streaming down her lovely face, screwing up her features and making her look like a stranger.

A hand landed on Kat’s shoulder. It was the eldest son, Daniel. The one named after his father. “I think you should go now.”

Kat ignored him as she stared into Helen’s blue eyes rimmed red, “I didn’t come here for him Helen. I came here for you.”

Helen was sobbing harder and Daniel’s grip on her shoulder began to become painful. She left.

“Just leave my mother alone. Haven’t you hurt her enough?” Daniel said gruffly as he let her go outside the funeral home door. “I don’t know what you’re playing at Kat, but it needs to stop. Just go away and leave my family alone.”

…

Helen was drunk when Kat got there. Her blue eyes were dull with alcohol.

“What’s the matter Hellcat?” Kat caught up Helen’s hands and for a moment her heart squeezed in her chest as the two woman stood close enough to share breath.

“He’s cheating on me.” Helen had whispered staring into Kat’s eyes. Kat forced herself to look away.

“That bastard.” She muttered pulling Helen through the kitchen and into the living room where she sat Helen down and then dropped next to her on the sofa.

Helen hiccupped, “I thought he loved me. I gave him everything, three beautiful children. A clean home. I was the perfect wife.” She rambled and Kat closed her eyes and gritted her teeth.

“Where is he now? Where are the kids?” She forced out through a closed jaw.

Helen snorted, “Kids are asleep. I sent him to a motel for the night, I told him we’d sort it out in the morning.”

“Are you going to forgive him?” The words cut like glass and Kat flinched as soon as they left her mouth. Helen frowned and then sighed as she leaned against Kat. Kat put her arm around Helen’s thin shoulders and inhaled the smell of her strawberry shampoo, tainted now by the smell of booze.

“I have to. He is my husband and what am I without him?”

“Hellcat. You are strong, you are smart, you are a hundred times better than that bastard.”

Her eyes turned to Kat, they were reproachful, “You can’t say those things Kat.”

“Why not?”

“You know why.”

…

Two kids were screaming as they ran through the sprinkler in the backyard. The third, still a baby, was sleeping in a swing just inside the living room where Kat could see the tops of his little purple socks. Helen looked tired with her blonde hair tucked up into a bandanna and her hands submerged up to her elbows in soapy dishwater. She was chatting lightly about Dan’s new promotion and how Daniel was going to be starting school in the fall. Dan’s job took him away from his family a lot. It sucked, but at least it gave the two of them time together.

Suddenly two young kids sprinted into the house screaming like demons and soaking wet. “Aunt Kat, Aunt Kat, come play with us. Come on, come on. Mom play with us.” Jill the only daughter tugged at Kat’s hands and the woman with dark hair smiled down at her.

“Aunt Kat doesn’t want to play with you Jilly.” Helen sighed, but Kat just grinned wickedly.

“Oh come on Helen…you’re allowed to have fun once in a while too.”

…

“I didn’t think you would come.” Her voice was small as her shining blue eyes looked into Kat’s hard face. Everything about Kat was hard today, the set of her mouth and the tension in her shoulders. She looked down to the dress Helen was wearing, the white dress with lace sleeves and a million buttons down the back.

She was so beautiful. So damn beautiful.

“I will always be there for you Hellcat.” Kat half whispered and then reached out to swipe a lock of blonde hair from Helen’s face. The other woman jerked away like Kat had slapped her. Her face fell.

“Not like that Kat.”

Kat dropped her hand, “Not like that.” she repeated sadly.

Dan strode over to the corner where the two women stood talking. He looped his hand around Helen’s waist. The color was high on his cheeks as he jerked his gaze up and down Kat’s body. “Who’s your friend?”

“Kat St John.” Kat shook Dan’s hand. It was sweaty and he squeezed limply. His face had a slightly pinched look about it, like everything he smelt was unpleasant. Helen tried to extract herself from his grip, but he held her possessively.

“And where did you two meet exactly?”

…

“I can’t do this anymore!” Helen shouted her blue eyes flashing.

“Do what darling?” Kat asked nonchalantly looking up from her place on the ratty sofa.

Helen was pacing the room, pulling at her hair. Her hands twisted together, writhing and pulling at her fingers. “Be with you…like this. It’s sick you know what we’re doing.”

That got Kat’s attention. She sat up straight and fixed Helen with a hard stare. “Do you really think so? Do you really believe that all this is just some sickness? That maybe a man can cure you of it?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?” Helen jutted out her chin.

“Then get out.” Kat said her hand flying out towards the door. She flew to her feet and Helen flinched back. “If you don’t want to be here with me, then just get out!”

Kat never yelled, she never let anyone see her anger. She was practiced, controlled. She was the one who was sure of herself and if Helen wasn’t onboard then Kat didn’t need her. She wasn’t her mama, she didn’t need to beg.

“Kit-Kat…I…”

“You said it Helen. You said you didn’t want to do this, to be with me. So I am not stopping you.”

“It’s sick.” Helen repeated in a small voice that sounded so unsure it broke Kat’s heart.

“No…it’s not Hellcat. It’s not sick. It’s love.”

…

Helen had her face tipped to the stars. They reflected in her blue eyes. The traces of a smile played across her lips as Kat leaned in and knocked her shoulder into hers.

“This place is beautiful.” Helen half whispered, “It was worth the hike all the way up here.”

“I’m glad you think so.” Kat’s voice hinted laughter. Helen turned to face her and suddenly Kat’s eyes darkened. She leaned forward and their lips met.

It was slow at first, just the hesitant press of flesh to flesh, but as Helen exhaled fingers found their way into curls and they pressed together harder. Their lips were hungry for the other, their breathing in sync as the stars shone above them.

Kat lay beside her that night as she slept, tucked neatly into their tent, their bodies still touching. Fire licked across her body as Kat gently stroked Helen’s hair. “I love you.” she whispered, but the other woman did not hear.

…

Kat was a firecracker. She had a flash and a bang and then the silence that followed smoke curling into the sky. Helen was different, she was a candle in a breeze. She flickered and danced, making you want to cup your hand around her to keep her safe. She always seemed so delicate that it was easy to forget that she could burn too.

The men had been jeering, trying to knock around the men and women holding their signs up as they stood outside the statehouse. “Love is love.”

“Sick bastards! You’re going to hell.” The men were shouting back. Kat had frozen, her hand partially outstretched to bring Helen to a halt beside her, but in a moment of shocking determination Helen strode forward and slapped one of the jeering men across the face. The sound could be heard across the street.

Everyone stopped.

The man looked stunned. Helen also looked stunned by what she had done, but the shock only lasted a moment. The man shoved Helen down and spat at her. “Stupid Hellcat woman.”

Kat was there then, a firecracker between Helen’s flickering flame and the brute of a man.

“Get lost.” She snarled as Helen got to her feet, quivering now. Her blue eyes filling with tears.

The man looked at Kat. He looked at Helen and then at the people still holding their signs. He smiled cruelly, “You’re going to hell too kitty.”

“You first.” Kat growled lowly taking a half step forward. The man stepped back and then he rolled his shoulders to cover the movement.

“Whatever. I done here anyway.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.” Helen muttered after then men had left. Kat made to grab at her hands, but Helen pulled away suddenly shy.

“You cannot help who you love sisters.” One of the protesters said offering Helen a handkerchief for her split elbow. She took it and pressed it to her broken skin with a wince.

“I’ve often wondered if that were true and if it was then why was it so damn hard to accept.” The tears fell from her eyes as she spoke. Kat stood still, a statue, frozen, looking at Helen, her little Hellcat.       

…

It was the sound of laughter that first drew Kat’s eye to the lovely girl with blonde curls. Kat stepped away from the radio crooning Johnny Cash and towards the sound more musical and entrancing.

A group of boys had just entered the dance hall. They glanced at the blonde girl, but she only bit her lip and half hid behind the girl who had made her laugh. The two were sisters, obviously. They had the same sharp chin and blonde hair. The younger of the two was the one who had laughed. The older saw the boys walk in and gestured to the younger and left her for the boys. The younger took a half step forward and then fell back biting at her lip again.

Kat came level with her, and walked into her line of vision.

“Hello. I’m Kat.”

The girl looked startled, but Kat had given up on being shy a long time ago. The girl smoothed her skirt and looked up through her lashes as the dark haired stranger.  

“I’m Helen.”

Kat smiled, “Hello Helen.”

Helen smiled back, a bit hesitantly at first, but soon it reached her vibrant blue eyes.