Dinner in Dim Lighting

TW: Abuse

The silence that fills the dining room is unbearable. With the slight squeak of the chairs, the forks that scrape the plate slightly, the distant chewing at the end of the table, I can hear every sound. They're the only sounds that I can hear, the only sounds I seem to know nowadays. He’s mad. He won't even dare look at me, only staring at his own plate. He’s seated at the head of the table again, and I'm forced to sit at the other end. The table isn’t too long, but it’s long enough that our feet don’t touch, no physical contact that might set him off. I feel like I can’t breathe, let alone eat. I know I’m overthinking, I always overthink. All the time I get wrapped up in my own head and I can’t get out. Maybe he isn’t even mad. I can feel my tears welling up again and I try to force them back down. I shove a spoonful of tasteless mush in my mouth, hoping it might distract me. I remember the last time I cried at the dinner table.

He sat up and hugged me.

“I know how you feel, at least you have me. Stop crying, okay?”

I can’t cry again.

I hear him sit up. I follow him with my eyes. He doesn’t look at me. 

I can’t ask him if he’s mad at me, I did it before. 

“Why would I be mad?” He looks concerned.

“You haven’t spoken to me all day,”

“Ah, sorry, I’ve been a bit busy,” He blushes a bit, rubbing at one of his shoulders.

“Oh, I’m sorry,”

“Ah! You always apologize! Stop doing that. It’s getting annoying at this point,”

“Okay,” As I say that, he goes to hug me. I try to feel comforted. He laughs as he holds me in his arms.

“What would you do without me?”

I have no idea what I would do without him. I hear the water start running behind me and the clash of plates. I turn around and see his back, shoulders moving back and forth. I look down at my plate, it doesn’t even look like I’ve taken a bite out of it. I can’t, not when I don’t know if he’s going to leave me. I need to fix this. But how, how do I fix it, what did I do?

“You’re mumbling again,” I hear him over the running water. For some reason, I’m not startled. More scared than anything. Why, why would I be scared of him? He’s done so much for me.

“Sorry, thanks for catching me,” I mumble. I get a hm in response. The water running over porcelain fills the room again. I can’t handle another second of this silence.

“Did I do something wrong?” 

The sound of scrubbing stops. The only sound is running water, when he speaks, he doesn’t turn the tap off.

“What did you think you did?” His voice sounds cold. The words wring around my throat and tighten slowly. 

“I, I don’t know,” The sound of running water has never been so loud.

“Really? You have no clue?” The words get tighter, my head gets lighter.

“I don’t, please,”

“Please what?”

“Turn around, look at me?”

“Can’t,” 

I feel like I’m going to pass out.

“Why not?”

“You- god, really? I have to say it? Fine.”

I prepare for the words that come next.

“ You’ve been making new friends, I can understand that, you should be making new friends! But, they have the same bad influence on you. Just like you’re old ones,”

Oh. 

That’s why he was mad.

I stand up from my seat and walk to stand by him. I look at his side profile, he’s still refusing to make eye contact. 

“I’m sorry, I-”

“Stop saying sorry,”

“Right uh-” I try to laugh it off “Well, I just don’t understand why they would be a bad influence on me? They’re really nice, and they comfort me too,”

He finally turns to look at me. His eyes cut my throat, and I can tell I said something wrong. I feel like something he could crush with his thumb. 

“I’m the one who should be comforting you! That’s my job! And you have no idea what they say behind your back!”

“Just like the others?” I stutter out.

“Just like the others!” He yells. 

He still hasn’t turned off the tap. 

I feel like my throat is gone and my ears are bleeding from the silence. 

"I, I don't think they would do that," I try to sound stern. His eyes seem to lose any light they have.

"Really? Really! You're doubting me right now?"

"No! I would never. I just, they're so nice, you know?"

He doesn't look happy with my response.

"Looks can be deceiving you know," My head feels like it's floating with every word he says.

"The only thing they do is bitch about you to me! And rightfully so! You're so clingy, they can't handle you like I can. And what do they say to you about me huh?"

I go silent, the only thing I can do is look at him. The noise of the rushing water becomes like a waterfall.

"That's what I thought. They just complain and complain about me! That's probably why they're all single!"

His voice doesn't boom over the sound of the tap anymore. I can only see his lips moving. I feel my lips quiver.

“I only have you, huh?” I whimper out, tears building in my eyes. 

He looks at me with pity. I feel pathetic under his gaze. He opens his arms. 

I don’t move forward. 

“You’re so lucky you know, you’ve got me to help you,” He smiles at me. One of the kind ones that made me feel warm inside.

Why?

Why, when my tears spill in front of him, I feel like splitting my head open so he can’t see them?

Why, when he hugs me at that moment, the only comfort I feel is from the boa constrictor that is his arms. 

Why, when he helps me finish my plate, I feel like I’m being poisoned?

He’s my everything. So why?

Why?

Why do I want to run away from him so badly?