The chaos of Motherhood

Samantha's P.O.V

I lazily opened the refrigerator and groaned imternally. Oh no! Groceries are almost finished. I need to stock them up . I changed my clothes into hoodie and sweatpants because my old denims don't fit me anymore and pulled my hair into a bun because they are messy and oily . I placed the baby in the baby carrier and carefully strapped it against my chest keeping one hand on it and used the other hand to wear my sneakers. I winced due to the pain in my lower abdomem when I bend to tie the laces . I then switched off all lights and locked my now empty small apartment.

When I was done shopping , I paid the casher and made a mental note to keep more cash with me from next time , just in case. I was walking back to home with the shopping bags in my hands and breathing heavily like a pig . Finally ! My sweet home came into view "Just a few more steps" I motivated myself and soon I was unlocking my door while balancing the bags and the carrier .

I sighed placing the groceries ( that by the way were mostly milk formula for the baby ) and looked at the baby sleeping soundly in the baby carrier strapped around me. 

It was now a daily routine for me to go shopping and put the baby's necessities first . I am tired due to the sleepless nights that I have to wakeup because of the baby. I hate that I no longer can fit in my bodycon dresses, I am no longer the carefree girl that I used to be . I am a 'single mother'.

I never expected to get drunk and I certainly never planned to get pregnant ; let alone becoming a teen mom. I am 19 years old and here I am making baby formulas , changing the baby's diapers , giving the baby regular baths , feeding the baby , saving each and every penny for the baby and me and doing what not instead of continuing my studies , going to the bar with my friends , shopping , having fun . And ...and I don't know how my life become so upside down. The baby's dad wanted nothing to do with us. He doesn't know how much I suffered because of the morning sickness , the contractions and how the pain during the delivery nearly got me killed. 

Its a daily occurrence now : me taking care of the baby and ignoring the fact that my life has changed now. I looked at my baby and my heart clenched . When I got to knew I was pregnant , I wanted nothing to do with it. I couldn't even accept the fact of me being pregnant just because I didn't want to have a baby so early. But I didn't have it in me to abort the little life growing inside me. As time passed by , I realized only my baby can understand me . Then I had a baby boy . I am still trying to accept the fact that I am a mother now , that I have a beautiful baby boy who is 1 month old now and I still call the baby with nicknames.

But now that I look at him , realization dawned on me . He is my baby and I am his mother. I know what I need to do now. I need to survive this for my baby . He's the only one whom I can love and who can love me back without any conditions. This is the mother-child bond and I am thankful that I got to witness this. I am ready to sacrifice everything for my baby if it means he can have a good life. I made him come to this world and I need to take responsibility of my actions as well as give him the love he deserves. It's not his fault his father is a bastard. I'll be both his father and mother and everyone else he needs me to be. I promise myself that I'll let no harm come to him. I know from now on my life is going to revolve around him.

Now that I look at him again and again , I realize that I already loved him before I even saw him. He is a part of me . He's my joy , my happiness , my safe heaven and therefore it's time to give him his name , his identity and let him know how much importance he has in my life. "Hope" I whispered his name and smiled. He's my hope. "Baby Hope " I cooed then continued " Sorry ! It took mommy some time to give you a name" . I kissed my son's forehead, eyes, nose and cheeks. It feels so good to call him 'MY SON'. 

I went inside my bedroom and placed Hope onto the bed . I went to shower while he was still sleeping. I kept the door to the bathroom slightly opened just in case he wakesup or cries. I took my time , massaging my scalp with the shampoo and conditioner , using my favourite body wash while humming an unknown tune. It's been months since I felt so relaxed. Its like a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders . I think sometimes we need to accept the situation rather than be in denial.

I came out of the shower and dressed into my sleepwear after drying my hair and body. I then lay down next to the sleeping Hope. A smile tugged at my lips as i whispered "Good night Hope" and kissed Hope's head . What if I don't have much money now to support my studies and my baby together ? I will try hard . When Hope gets a little older, I'll then continue my studies . I'll do extra shifts to support both of us. And one day , when my baby becomes a man , he will be proud of his mother and her decisions. I don't regret anything. If I could go to the past ; I wouldn't have changed anything.

Although there are times when i just want to sit in the kitchen with a bottle of wine ; I like the 'Chaos of Motherhood' .