I Don't Know Who I Am

“Aww what a cute baby! I brought this pink bow for her. You wouldn’t want anyone thinking she’s a boy. You know how all babies look a like and everything.”

Dear diary,

I think about those words that were used to describe me the day I was born. I think my mom was annoyed by them because she chose an andogynous name for me, but I was still her perfect little girl. Always was, always would be. 

I think about when I was younger and I used to get upset when people called me boy. I would correct them and say “I’m not a boy, I’m a girl”, but I don’t correct them anymore. I don’t get upset when people call me sir. I smile and keep going about my day like nothings wrong. But something must be wrong. Something must be wrong that I feel so conflicted everyday. Sometimes I’m so sure that I know who I am, but what if I’m wrong. What I am my mother’s perfect little daughter. Everything was so much easier back then. Just wear a pretty dress to feel good about your body, but now, now I don’t know what I’m doing. I don't know where I am, or who I am, or what I am. 

I think about who I am everyday. I’m constantly trying to figure out who I am, and where I’m going, and the scary part is that I think I know. I think I know who I am. I think I know where I’m going. But that means I have to take a leap of faith and tell my mother that I’m not her perfect little daughter anymore. The problem is I’m not scared of her knowing. I’m not scared of anyone knowing. I wish they did. I’m not scared that she won’t accept me. I know that people who matter would all still love me if I told them who I was. I’m not scared of facing bullies, they don’t matter. But I am scared. I’m scared of saying my thoughts out loud. I’m scared of making them real. And I know they’re already real because I’ve started to take steps on my journey. But no one else knows that I’m on a journey. No one else knows that I question who I am in the mirror everyday. No one else knows that I fantasize about cutting my hair, and wearing a bow tie. No one else knows that I secretly hate it every time I get called Ma’am. No one else knows that I’m not living as the authentic me. No one else knows because I haven’t let them know. Because I don’t know how to let them in. I don’t know how to tell my family, or my friends who I am. I don’t know how to tell them because I’m scared of being wrong, and I’m not confident that I’m right. I know that I won’t know until I tell someone, but how can I tell them if I don’t know. I know that it's a spectrum, and even if I don’t feel like any specific label is correct that's ok. And I’m ok with that. I really am. Or I would be if I was sure. 

I think about telling them everyday. I think about telling my mom, “Hey mom, I don’t think I’m a girl. Could you just call me your kid?”

I think about telling my boyfriend because he makes me feel like I can be my most authentic self around him. And I know that he would be accepting of me. I know he would understand because he used to be in the closet too. He trusted me with his most authentic self, so why shouldn’t I trust him with mine. I know that I could tell him, and He would support me, and he wouldn’t tell another soul until I was ready, but I’m scared. I'm scared because I think I love him. And I don’t know what I would do without him. I’m scared that it would change how he treated me. I don’t think it would, but there is a little voice on my shoulder telling me that it could. That little voice tells me that I should just wait until college. 

I should just wait because college is not that far away, and I would be starting over anyway, so it would be easy. I lived as a girl until now I could continue living that way for a little while longer. But I know that it won’t get any easier. I know that now that I’m aware I’m living a lie it will just get worse until I tell someone the truth.

I think about this new reality I’m living in. It is so different from anything I’ve experienced so far. I know it sounds cheesy, but it feels like I’m living two lives. One on the surface that other people can see, and another one below the surface where a war is going on inside my head, but I’m the one fighting both sides. 

I think about the way I used to act, and how I should’ve known, but even though it’s so clear to me looking back, I know that I did not have a clue. 

I think about this song I wrote in my freshman year of highschool: 

Young me wanted a chance to fly

I just wanted to soar

Spread my wings

Wondered where life would take me

It dropped me off in someone else's dream

Now I don’t, know who’s life I’m living

I’m not sure that it’s mine

Woke up one day

Everything new, now it’s grey

And I wonder who’s life I’m living

I just wanted

A chance to start over

A chance to be somebody else

Now I got it

And i do not like it

I really just want to be me

But how can I

When there's so much pressure

To be someone I don’t think I am

I just want now

A chance to start over

Go back to who I could be

Time is flying

And I cannot keep up

Please I need help or I’ll drown

Someone save me

Teach me how to fit in

I really just want a friend

Life is stressful 

And life is lonely

But i don’t want this life to be mine

Now when I look at these lyrics they are so fitting. They perfectly explain how I feel, but I know that I wrote these and they were about something completely different and stupid. I don’t know what to do next and I’m scared I never will. I’m scared that I’ll never live as my most authentic self, and the only person to blame will be me, because I know that I’m my only obstacle.