When the Earth Stops Spinning

When I tasted her lips for the final time, no one warned me it would be the last. There was no sign, no inkling of fading feelings, everything was beautiful. Just as beautiful as she was. Is. 

Like the realization that one day your parents put you down, and never picked you back up again. Or the feeling of Christmas never being as magical as it was when you were ten and still believed in Santa. No one tells you “Hey, one day all of this will fade, so enjoy it while it lasts.” it just ends, and you’re left with an empty feeling in your stomach, searching to remember the last time everything felt right. 

Everything felt perfect during our final moments together, I remember it clearly. In fact, in the midst of our last kiss, I smiled against her teeth, thinking to myself; ‘I’m going to marry this girl.’ How stupid of me. So blindsided by her breasts and hazel eyes, I didn’t notice her hesitancy until we unlocked our lips. I could see her sighing breath in the January air, illuminated by the lights just outside the theater. We had just finished seeing a movie we had always wanted to see, it was lovely. I had an amazing time, I thought she did too- I guess I assumed falsely, as I usually do. 

She said my name in a way she hadn’t since our first kiss- nervously. She spread her nervousness and shaky breath onto me like a deadly virus as I awaited her response to follow my name. 

“Yes? What is it, darling?” 

God, I can’t believe I called her darling as if she was still mine, and forever going to be. She winced at the word, a pet name she loved until that moment, it seemed. Or maybe I was too obliviously dumb to notice her cringing at it throughout our memories. My ‘darling’ then uttered a sentence no girlfriend wants to hear after a tender, seemingly perfect kiss; 

“I think we should break up.” 

I was gazing into her same shining eyes which refused to look back at me, as I had her scent still remaining on my lips- the world stopped spinning. Similar to romance novels as they describe the earth to cease in its rotation and the scenery around them becomes a blur as all they can focus on is their lover- it’s only them against the world. I can see the parallels between our first kiss and our final. As she stands before me, justifying every reason why she’s choosing to leave- I can’t help but picture every long lost memory between us leading to this one. The voice telling me she no longer loves me, is the same voice that once whispered “I can’t wait to move in with you… you’re someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.” I held her face and kissed her so tenderly and now she’s telling me it was all for nothing? That those moments will never be replaced, those memories will forever remain memories with nothing newly generated between us. Every useless fact I came to adore, her favorite flowers, the scents she hated, the way she sounded when she laughed. So fresh in my mind, yet irrelevant all in one moment. The stages of grief wash over me as I stare with nothing to say, subconsciously tuning out her rambling words. They won’t matter anyways, I need to face this new reality regardless of the reasons- she is no longer mine. 

“I’m sorry.” Were the last words she said to me before turning back to the rest of her life, a life without the apartment with green walls and cats we promised to share. Leaving me in the shivering cold with her saliva on my tongue, tear stained silence and a poster of the movie we had just seen behind me. The space between us, growing, along with the seconds since our final kiss. 

I somehow found my way into the driver's seat of my car- the same car we shared kisses and sex inside of. She had never had sex with a girl before, nor had I. You can still smell the intimacy that took place in the backseat, God, how I miss it. Sitting with my forehead against the wheel in disbelief, a movie theater parking lot as tears and recollections filled my head. 

When our lips met for the first time, I could have sworn she was literally glowing. I was convinced she was some sort of angel, which is ironic since I’ve been told my whole life I’m going to hell for loving girls. A girl. We were friends. Not best friends, but good friends, the kind that wave at each other in the hallways and ask for the occasional homework answer. I was a shy little lesbian who wasn’t sure how crushes were supposed to work. All I knew is she was the prettiest girl who was willing to talk to me, and boy, did I soak up every single conversation like she was my water in a desert I could not get enough of. Her hair was always long and dark, until we called each other ‘girlfriend,’ then she cut it short, shoulder-length. It suited her, but then again, what didn’t suit her? She wasn’t just ‘pretty’ either, she was intelligent, confident, kind- she never got nervous, or at least never showed it. She could talk to anyone and make them smile just by being the kind of person she is. I wanted to write her love poems every time her eyes found their way to mine, but I wasn’t sure how. She made me want to become a better person for her, someone worth loving and being with. I can’t tell if I failed or succeeded at my attempts, clearly they were not enough for her, but were they for me either?

We grew from ‘good friends’ to along the lines of ‘best friends’ as classes lined up and conversations lasted longer. She brought out a confidence in me I didn’t know was there, and suddenly I was the one asking her to hang out. I even asked her to be my girlfriend when the time came- I’m still proud of myself for that act of boldness. Sleepovers, pool parties, clothes shopping, we did it all as girls who are friends do. We talked about life, our goals and fears- the boys she had crushes on. I sat and listened attentively, begging a homophobic God she would notice my red cheeks in her presence. Eventually, my prayers were answered. 

Our first kiss was at the top of a Ferris Wheel, the rusting pop-up carnival type that grinds as they turn and make noises they definitely aren’t supposed to. We made our way to the very top and paused, as they invited more people onto the carts below us. The blazing summer sun reflecting off of her hazel eyes, I saw a genuine fear in them for the first time. They darted from side to side, her fingers gripping the metal bar between us for dear life as she laughed forcefully. 

“Hey, are you ok?” 

“Yeah, yeah- of course, just uh- I forgot how high up these things can be, ha.” 

Her shoulders moved up to her ears as our intimately sized cart rocked and creaked. 

“God the ground is far- this thing could come off its hinges any second and send us face-planting into those carnival games like a thousand feet from us down there- oh man-” 

At that moment all I longed to do was lift the earth up to her feet to save her from this wretched ride. However since I did not have the powers of Zeus, I offered my hand instead. 

“Here.” Her eyebrows shot up at my gesture. “If we fall to our deaths, at least we’ll fall together, right?”

I know, I know, it’s cheesy, don’t judge, I was attempting what I thought was romance. My only references being Titanic and Disney Channel. At least she thought it was cute. 

She looked up from the earth and locked her eyes onto my hand as she reached for it. The moment our hands met, sparks flew as the Ferris Wheel began turning, picking up speed. Her heart jumped, and our eyes fell into each others. We each refused to look away as the ride moved, her breath slowed and a smile creeped upon her pinkish lips. Her other hand reached for mine until both my hands were enraptured in hers, squeezing in anxiety but I didn’t mind at all. Butterflies flooded my stomach and my cheeks were too flushed to speak. 

“Thank you,” She sighed, calmly. 

“Of course-” I managed to stutter. 

The ride continued, we looked nowhere but each other. 

“You know- I always kind of thought it would be cute to kiss someone on a Ferris Wheel. Like in movies, it always seemed romantic. Maybe it would help me forget about how high up we are too, ha.”

God, how kissable her lips appeared. She caught me glancing at them, as she returned to gaze at mine. 

“What?” She said, the butterflies fluttered harder.

I leaned in slowly as we reached the peak of the ride, and to my surprise- she leaned back.

Our lips were embracing and the world melted from under us. Nothing mattered, the sun could have exploded and we would have been content. Every inch of her was illuminating, her lips were soft, my body wanted hers in more ways than this- I could feel her anxiety fade from her shoulders as I leaned in a little more. 

I longed for this dream to last forever. A moment which felt like years when in reality, was only a few seconds. I was forced awake from this lovely dream state as the ride abruptly stopped, once again at the top. Her lips jerked back away from mine, she wiped them with the back of her hand like I was some secret she either couldn’t believe or regretted. My cheeks were flushed, shock painted my eyes as she smiled towards me. Our hands, still gently resting into one another's. 

“Ha… I’ve never- kissed a girl before…”

“Me neither-” I whispered. Fixated on this moment. 

“I’m not afraid of heights anymore. Thank you… ha”

I realized perhaps she saw that kiss as more of a gesture of caring than a gesture of affection. She was enlightened soon enough towards the fact she meant so much more to me than simply a friend. A few second later, in fact when my dumb-girl-kissing mouth blurted out;

“I love you-” 

“What?” 

Our forever began from that moment. The rambling, spilling thoughts- I’m not even sure exactly what I told her after she asked what I meant by the word ‘love’. Somehow it was enough for us to create dreams together, share many more kisses and dates and for me to earn the label of ‘her girlfriend.’ How I adored that title, treasured every word she told me I was. I still remember the compliments she gave me- “This color looks so good on you,” “I love your poems,” “You’re beautiful… I’m so grateful you’re mine.” 

… 

 I’m glad we saw that movie, I guess, it was always on my bucket list. I loved it, as a film, yet now I can’t see its advertisements without thinking of her. Why is every good thing ruined by a person who once loved you? Once, is the keyword there. 

She once believed I was beautiful- am I no longer anymore? I wonder how much of who I believed myself to be, was simply because she told me I was. Discovering who I am without her would never be a fate she would subject me to, I believed so strongly. I remained in my car, refusing to turn the key. The second I do, I’ll be forced to leave the present and exit the scene where our last kiss just took place. So I sat, thinking, hesitating, waiting until I felt ready- I’m not sure how I’d know when that is. 

I don’t like facing the end of movies, I’ll pause them more than I need to just to soak in the moments where I don’t know how the story ends. Stay with these characters I’ve grown to love just a little longer before the credits roll. I attempt to do the same with life, with people and lovers. 

Can the earth stop spinning again for a minute as I take in all that is this present moment? I don’t wish for anything more, and yet I wish for lifetimes. 

A thing they don’t tell you about breakups, is the love doesn’t stop when the relationship does. She will always be someone I love and remember with fondness- I can only hope I am the same for her. Her eyes and the way the earth felt in the midst of our first and final kiss will forever be ingrained as a part of my story. A dumb love story turned into tragedy, as all love stories end up becoming. 

There is no use in fighting this ending, the second I stop writing, my mind will take on all the weight of having to recall the details of what we were. No more carnival rides or movie dates, first and last kisses, sex in a backseat, talks until midnight with the first girl I ever said I loved- I know this has to end. I know I have to leave. I can’t keep asking ‘why’ into eternity only to never get an answer. All beauty fades, like dying flowers, petals crusting against my fingers. I love you, my darling. I will always find aspects to love in every crevice of our memories, each creak of a Ferris Wheel and cold January night. Saying goodbye to the future we could have had is one of the hardest conclusions I’ve ever had to make. 

I let my hand rest on the key as I slowly begin to turn it. The engine starts. And this is it. I can still taste her lip gloss on my teeth.