If you find this

1101 words

Rated PG; violence, substances

Dearest Carie,

I suppose I do owe you an explanation. Even if these words will be lost at the bottom of the lake. Even if the ink will run and stain the pristine blue. Even if this bottle might never be found.

Many rumours have been going around about me. I don't know how many of them you actually believe--but I imagine you sitting in the sand, staring up at the sky, wondering what happened to your friend. So I'll tell you which are true and which aren't, just so you can be disappointed for the right reasons.

I did sword fight the captain

Our blades kept touching and falling back, in an unending dance of blood and metal. The ground on which we stood was swept up by the kicks of boots and sneakers. At one point, the captain turned her eyes towards the trees. I glanced quickly so as not to let down my guard. The sun was starting to rise. Or, more accurately, we were moving towards the sun. I watched the rays of light reach out to the very end of our sight, and realized we had been dueling all night. What a waste of time. I quickly put my sword through the captain's stomach, watched her collapse, and was done with it. I threw my weapon on the ground and walked away. I didn't care who saw me. It’s not like anyone would look for her.

I didn't hurt Ben.

I know this one is obvious. I wouldn’t lay a finger on your cousin. All those long nights in the hay bail--the three of us huddled together to keep warm. Being woken up by the sound of Mr.Collenhan switching on the tv and cranking it up to 50. Remember when he almost caught us? You should’ve seen your face. Pale and frightened. You ran so fast your face was as red as the tomatoes we nicked.

I don’t know why anyone would think I’d touch Ben. After you left, we had our fair share of fights, that I admit. But I never even shoved him good-naturedly. Oh Carie, I hope that thought never crossed your mind. That I would do that.

You may be violent, but you only do it to get even. Not even you could do such a thing.

I did break my leg after jumping off a cliff

Before you go all crazy on me, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I knew you’d take it personally. I was simply trying to escape the captain’s crew. Old men and women with surprising athleticism ran me through that old town. Those ruins were a piece of history. They slashed through them like they were paper. 

I finally gave up and went plummeting into the water when I was out of their line of sight. I didn’t even dive, just went feet-first without curling my toes. Ms.Cornelius would have given me such a lecture about swimming, she wouldn't even have noticed I’d hurt myself. 

I didn’t find Ophelia

I failed you. This one is the hardest to admit. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t pinpoint the location of our dear friend. I searched for three years. My life became a mess. Clues would always lead to dead ends. People who swore they just saw her at the bar or in a hat shop were always wrong.

I remember the night she left. We were camping in the hills, far away from society. You got so mad at me because I didn’t bring the bug spray. You were slapping at your arms so much there were more red splotches than mosquito bites.

Ben went to bed early, claiming fish made him sleepy. Ophelia had retired at only 9, pretending to feel sick. We later found out that wasn’t the case. 

The two of us just sang and ate s’mores the whole night. We swigged a bottle of whatever Ben brought and began shouting out ballads. We walked down by the lake, our feet tripping over those small pebbles.

As we stared up at that moon, as we drunkenly tried to find the face in it, a heat of warmth settled in my chest. One of pure, unbroken affection. One that hasn’t since dwindled. Oh, Carie, if only you could have felt it.

We slept next to each other with complete trust. When we woke up with bad breath and messy hair, Ophelia was gone. She had taken her truck and all her belongings, only leaving a piece of paper with the word sorry written on it. I know you don’t want to know what it said, but I had to tell you.

So, unless you or Ben has any new leads, Ophelia is lost to the wind, but a dream or a shared hallucination.

I didn’t eat chocolate

I haven’t forgotten our pact. Don’t be ridiculous. This is one of the most important ones. We won’t eat the rich, creaminess again until we find Ophelia. Then we’ll split a bar. We’ll even splurge for that expensive, creamy milk. I never cared for it, but Ophelia? She was crazy for just a taste. 

We’d have to remind her we couldn’t buy anything when we passed a supermarket. She’d grumble and sigh about how we saved the world, so we deserved all the milk we could get. That would always bring on scores of laughter. Those were fun days.

I do love you

This is in present-tense because it’s still going on. Carie, you’re like my sister. No, you are my sister. Because you were always there for me. Because no one will love me longer. Because we protect each other so fiercely it could be made illegal.

Right now, I’m sitting at a lake, staring at my reflection. My tired eyes and long hair. My weary smile. I’m using a black pen from a pack I bought an hour ago. I’m sitting here, staring at the moon. Still can’t find the face. I recently learned there are many faces, depending on the faze. Great. More things I can’t see.

I’m looking at an empty bottle of sherry I’m going to shove these papers in. I’m going to see if you find my clues. If you find this, I’ll be at the bay, waiting at the dock every day. You might be there, you might not. You might read this and chuckle at the notion of us ever seeing each other again.

If that’s the case, I have to tell you this, even though I just said it.

I love you.

-M.