Eyes in the mirror

You let me grieve and I’ll let you live. I sobbed myself to sleep only to be awakened by the rain. I had cried myself to sleep begging God for death only to open my eyes the next day realizing that my request to die was not given. So, I lay here looking at the ceiling fan spinning. My eyes were drying out from staring at the blades and listening to the hum of them. The tears from yesterday were drying on my cheeks. The pitter-patter of the rain hitting the windowsill woke me up out of the trance I was in. The sound of the rain is always a trigger for me, my mom and grandma passed away when the sound of the rain hit the windowsill. 

I've spent days trying to isolate myself, so the way I feel doesn’t rub off on anyone else. And I didn’t want to have to answer questions that no one really wanted the answer to. I put on my favorite two-piece pajamas with the hole in my elbow and some fur-lined slippers. The 2 piece mickey pajamas were the ones that my grandma had given to me before she passed away. I wore them often, I feel like her hugs are still locked up inside them. I lit two candles downstairs trying to set a mood. I grabbed my fuzzy purple blanket with the big unicorn on it and headed towards the upstairs bedroom. Skipping steps I was eager to get to the room where I could be free. This room was a good size and its large windows seemed to go from the floor up to the ceiling. Big, thick, long, dusty, burgundy curtains hung from them, looking like something from medieval times. I had tied them back with some gold rope I found in the chest in the corner of the room. 

There was no real color in this room except for the curtains and I liked it that way. I would sit here in this room trying to find myself. Many times I have come to this room trying to heal the little girl within me that has kept me bound for so long. She is hurting, she is sad and she feels alone. I could sit in this room for hours and isolate myself from my thoughts. I found myself weeping for her on more than one occasion. When I cried for her, I cried for me. I cried because this burden is almost too much to bear day after day. The warm cinnamon scent of the candle rising to this room soothed me for just a moment. I stood there in the middle of the floor with pajamas that were too small now and a little kid blanket and my hair in a messy bedhead bun. Eyes closed tight, I must look ridiculous, I thought to myself.

I opened my eyes only to catch my reflection in the mirror. A mirror that reflected how I feel inside. It was dusty and had a small crack going straight down the middle of it. I stood there fixed on there were two of me reflected there. But sadly I realized that we were one and the same. Looking at my eyes I saw a person struggling to hold on for the both of us. I wonder if anyone can see her like I can. I wonder if they can see her standing there shaking and holding her arms up like she wanted to be picked up. The weight and the pain of the little girl were keeping me from fully living. It had stripped me from accepting the love of those around me. My family wanted me to make their love enough to make me happy and make me want to live. But, the little girl inside of me had taken over and decided she had enough and she didn’t want to be around anymore. She had taken over my thoughts and she made me believe that the love around me I didn’t deserve. 

I kicked off my slippers and brought my unicorn blanket up to my neck. I sat down in the old rocking chair left by my grandma. Pushing off with my toes I would rock back and forth listening to the creaking of the chair. My grandma's old rocking chair was in this room along with the distinct smell of mothballs, dust, and mold. But this chair and the smell of the old furniture would take me back to the time when everything made sense. My grandma's house had that same smell of strong mothballs, dust, and mold. The arms of grandma’s rocking chair had a lot of character. It looked like many hands and elbows had rested there. I took the rocking chair and positioned it just diagonal to the window. I did that so that I could still hear the rain hitting the window seal, and see the rainbow come in the window and hit the floor if we had one. 

I slowly shut my eyes and tears fell on my cheeks. I didn’t even realize I had been crying. The hurt little girl inside me never really got a chance to grieve because everyone around me took that time away. They wanted me to be happy when I was sad and sad when I was happy. The kisses that I looked for every day growing up were suddenly gone. Mommy was the first to pass away suddenly during the nighttime hours and then grandma. Grandma had dementia and she passed away but, not before not recognizing me. I went to see her in those last days and she would talk about me in the third person. I would ask her story after story about me. She would begin each story staring into space. Once, I caught her looking at me and I thought for a moment she recognized me. Grandma, it's me I stood up excited only to be disappointed. The pause in her story was only for a brief second and then she began again never looking in my direction. I opened my eyes and just as the rocking chair had placed my feet on the floor again. I got on my knees and laid my head in the chair, closing my eyes again, pretending it was my grandma's lap that I had placed my head in. I started to hum like she did and sing the sleep song to myself. 

I went from that to laying on the floor with my arms stretched out as far as they can go. Lord, I cried sobbing and praying I am tired. Can you help us both? Can you heal me from the inside out? I cried and screamed from my belly. The room is quiet so I can hear my heartbeat on the floor. Tears continue to fill my eyes as I have touched again the pain of the little girl within me. I can feel the tears pooling around my face as I lay here on the floor. But I don't even try to wipe them just yet. I can't move. I opened my swollen eyes and there was a mirror on the floor propped up against the door. I stare into the reflection with blurred vision. I take my blanket and clean it whispering softly, I will let you grieve if you let me live.