The Tiled Room

It didn’t take long for the room to steam. That’s why she came here. There were other places that Ava could find her Ruby but she never found her quite as fast as here. The tiled room. It was the one corner of the house that wasn’t clad in wood. When they had started doing it up, Ava always thought that this room should have had stone walls. 

“Tiles are just so conventional,” she had said. 

“Well, it is a bathroom.” Will, her then-husband. 

“But don’t you think stone would give it that je ne sais quoi? Like those outdoor bathrooms that they have in Bali, with the big black stones. Imagine graphite up here and over there on the walls. It would just look better, no?” 

She was glad he had baulked. Perhaps the only time that his stubbornness had been of any use. It didn’t feel that way at the time. She had nearly always showered with her eyes closed, trying to deflect the duck egg blue ceramic. If she didn’t see it, it didn’t exist. 

The wood mattered to her. When they had come to visit, she prayed. Whenever Will turned on the fire, she looked away. 

We’re basically woodworms, she had thought. Moving into a piece of kindling. She had said as much to Will. 

“If this place goes up…”

“It won’t.” 

It hadn’t but still. It was a reasonable concern.

Now, she reached for the lever so the water dried up in the showerhead and came out of the tap instead. The bath slowly began to fill with water. She sat on the edge of the bath, dipping her toes in. They stung. She always had chilblains. She drew circles in the water with her big toe taking her mind from the raging fire in the water heater back to the quiet lull of the water. 

Ava slowly sank down the slanted edge of the bath. Her body skidded and resisted a little, the rinds of her fatty skin fighting the acrylic of the tub. She leaned her head back and listened to the hum underwater. Every part of her body was connected to the bath under the shallow puddle of water that was still rising and yet she felt weightless. The candles on the bathroom windowsill made shadows like the groping hands of a dancing wind tube. She squinted and let the water lift her up. 

I’m in the belly of the beast, she thought. 

She curled up onto one side, feeling her exposed shoulder and hip pimpling with goosebumps.

“In the beginning,” she said to herself. “The world was dark and we were safe.” 

She turned off the water with her toes, rested a moment and then pulled herself up onto her elbows. She closed her eyes. She liked to do this, it was exactly how it happened in the film. The opening scene was darkness and then a slow flicker into life like the ascension of the stage curtain. She turned her head to the left. 

“Figaro,” she whispered. “Figaro, Figaro, Figaro.” She opened her eyes and blinked. She closed them, rubbed them and opened them again. She put her hand out gently towards the duck egg blue tiles but stopped herself from touching them. She didn’t feel cold when she pushed herself fully out of the water. Her mouth hung slightly agape and beads of water rolled down the side of her face. She touched the tiles, still cool despite the steam. She wiped at her eyes. 

“No,” she breathed. And then louder, “No, no no!” 

She jumped out of the bath and brought one of the candles close to the wall. She put her hands to the wall and scrubbed the tiles as though they would make the words come back. The beginning lyrics at the start of Mrs Doubtfire that Ruby had inscribed with her own fingers that had been on the bathroom wall, untouched for three years. 

“Figaro,” Ava breathed again. 

They were gone. 

There was no warmth in the cabin despite the log burner. Ava’s fingers and toes were numb and when they happened to touch another part of her body, they sent a river of shivers through her. She wrapped herself deeper into her blanket and allowed the rough cotton to soak up her salty tears. For once, she wasn’t afraid of living in the kindling box. 

Naturally, her first thought was Will. It just had to be him. He was the only one that knew when the walls steamed up all the traces of their past came through. They had both sat in the bathroom together helping Ruby draw love hearts on the wet walls. He had heard Ava and Ruby in the bath trying to recount the entire script to Mrs Doubtfire when she was just five years old. Will had scoured everywhere for a Pudgy Parakeet doll on his work trips trying to find one that was as close to the real thing as possible. At least, that’s what he had told her. Perhaps he hadn’t actually looked that hard. He always came back with some yellow budgie imitation and a few different smells hanging around him. 

She would have liked to ring him now. Rehash out old arguments. He had told her a few months after Ruby had died that he still caught himself on the lookout for the furry bird toys. 

“Why are you telling me this?” she had said, he voice lifeless. “We don’t need a reason to be connected any more. In some ways, it’s worked out.” She had put the phone down quite fast. The pain of the words never hit her. She generally tried to block out any more unnecessary pain. 

Ava bundled fistfuls of the duvet between her palms and squeezed until a fire burned up in her shoulders. She was trying to grab onto something. 

“You’ve taken her away from me,” she mumbled to herself. She continued to mumble to herself until she fell asleep, her wet hair drying on the pillow. 

It was only when she heard the bang that she realised she had fallen asleep at all. The room was dark, the fire had all but died and was working hard to keep the final embers of its being alive. She sat up and pulled the duvet around her. There was a breeze and the door clattered again as it swung back on its hinges. 

Caught between shouting out and keeping still, Ava slid her feet onto the floor, not daring to blink. She shuffled forward to the door and then stopped before touching the handle. Suppose it was a bear hungry from the woods? If she opened the door, she was prepared to meet her fate. It certainly wouldn’t be nice. But what if it was Will? She had no excuse to ask what he did with his days any more and she generally didn’t care to know. Unless it was this; hiding out in the winter cabin they had come to each holiday as a family.

She pulled open the door and screamed. The man jumped back and lowered his gun. 

“Who are you?” she said. 

“Who are you?” He put the shotgun behind his back as if to stop her from seeing it. “What are you doing here?”

“No, you tell me! What are you doing here in my house!” 

“Your house?” 

She shook her head. “Well, sure. Ok, I don’t actually live here but the point still stands. You’re on my property. And...wait. How did you open to door?”

Ava began walking towards him and expected him to back out like he was being propelled by the force of her anger and dominance. Instead, he came further into the house and made his way around the kitchen table. He put his hands up across his chest. 

“Hold on. Hold on. There must be some misunderstanding.”

“You don’t say! It’s…” Ava looked up at the clock, slightly ashamed that it was only nine pm and she was in a deep sleep. “It’s the middle of the night,” she said anyway. “And you’re in my house.” 

“Jeez, it’s not your house,” he said. He didn’t smile or show any kind of friendliness. She was slightly taken aback. “This is my house. My cabin, if you will.” 

Ava looked at him and shook her head, her mouth dropping open. 

“Cups, see? With The Bears on them. They’re my high-school football team. No one this far out has ever heard of them. You’re about to tell me you’re the first?” 

Ava had indeed never seen the cup. 

“Wait, let me close my eyes and tell you what’s in the cool box down there? Go on.” 

Gingerly, Ava turned behind her and opened the box. When he heard the kiss of the rubber seals coming away, he said: “A root beer, five eggs - no, four - I broke one this morning. And a cut of deer…”

“Deer!” 

“You don’t think I shoot people with that gun, do you? So, how did I do?” 

Ava shut the door. 

“I’m sorry, I still don’t understand.”

“I’m Brady. I just bought this place. And you?”

She spoke slowly. “I’m Ava. My husband owns this place.” 

“Ooh, what a funny coincidence.” 

“You’re not him.”

Brady pulled out a chair and sat. Ava followed. He pulled a candle from the cabinet, lit it and placed it between them. 

“I’m not.”

She rubbed her eyes and put her cool palm over her forehead. “Sorry, you bought this place?” 

“Yes, ‘bout three months ago now. Only just got a chance to come down here this week, hence it looks a little…”

“It looks like how I remember it.” 

“Well, I suppose yes. I haven’t had time like I said.” 

Ava nodded slowly. “The cabin came with all this stuff?”

“Yeah, I mean I was going to throw it away. New start and all. But, well I kind of like what you did with the place. Hope you don’t mind?”

“How long have you been here?”

“Well, came up a few days ago. I hunt in the day. Set traps in the evening.”

“You’ve had a shower?” 

Brady looked down at his hands that were thick with mud and almost covered in lichen. His cheeks coloured a little. 

“I’m mean, today? No,” he said.

“Ever?” 

“Sure, I’m not a vagrant. I really did buy this place. I have the papers.” She let him rummage, though her concern was no longer who lived here, more; why did she not know that this place was here any more?

“You cleaned then? The bathroom, I mean.”

Brady came back with a sheaf of papers and pushed it across the table. Ava took it but just pushed her fingers over it. 

“Yes…”

Ava crumpled her face into her hands. 

“Is that a problem?” 

“No. Yes. I mean, yes. Yes, but you weren’t to know. It was just my daughter. She had written something on the wall. She had these tiny slender fingers and she wrote out the words to our favourite film.”

“What was it?”

“Mrs Doubtfire.”

Brady pushed himself back. “Never heard of it. Well, look, tell your little girl that I’m sorry.” 

“I can’t.” 

“Oh.” 

“Like..?”

“Yeah. Boating accident.” 

“I’m so sorry. So you come here to relive the memories?”

“Something like that.” 

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t know. Well, I’d even say that if I had known it meant that much to you, I wouldn’t have bought it. I’ve got a son myself. I can’t imagine…”

“You’re married.”

“Was. Hence the man cave.” 

Ava’s hand jumped as though to reach for his. “I’m sorry,” she said instead.

Brady sighed and grabbed hold of his beard, twirling it like rope. 

“So, I should probably leave.” Ava didn’t fully believe it herself, nor his response. 

“Probably. I mean, you could stay. There’s just no beds and I wouldn’t want your husband thinking...”

“Oh, we’re not…”

“It’s just because earlier you said ‘my husband’.”

“I did? Force of habit I guess.”

Ava rested her eyes on the window. Outside, the moonlight was reflecting off the padding of snow. It almost didn’t seem like true night because the darkness could never settle into itself out here. It was like the polar night, never fully there.

“I’m going down into town,” Brady said. “I could drive you if you want. Perhaps you could grab a hotel for the night. At least let me treat you to dinner if I’m kicking you out.” 

Ava shrugged. Once again, the numbness had filled her. 

“I know it doesn’t seem like me. Burly guy likes pancakes but,” Brady shrugged. “Sue me.” 

Ava smiled a little with her hands still wrapped around her and her small duffel bag at her feet. 

“You coming?”

“I just, just need a minute.”

Brady smiled and patted the wheel. “Sure, just lock up when you’re done.” He chucked her the truck keys. “I’ll grab you a hot chocolate.” 

When he left, Ava wondered if she could run and how far she would need to get before he noticed she was gone. And how long it would take for the snow to swallow her up. How far away from the road could she go before anyone found her. 

She opened her mobile and called Will. 

“You sold the cabin.” 

“Ava? Ava, what...where are you?” 

“You sold the cabin, didn’t you?” Her voice was clean-cut ice. She held back the chatter in her teeth. 

“Ava…”

“Did you?”

“I told you.” 

“You didn’t tell me. You were ‘sorting out a few bits’ is what you said.” 

“And I did. Ava, this isn’t a good time.” 

“You sold our daughter. That was Ruby’s place. You had no right.”

“I had every right. It’s my place. I needed to.” 

“So what, money is now more important that our daughter?”

“Ava, are you hearing yourself? She’s not here any more.”

“Say her name.” 

“Uh, Ava…”

“Say it.” 

“She’ll always mean something to me. I just needed to get rid of the cabin.”

“Ruby lived in that cabin.” 

“Ava…”

“No, don’t speak over me…”

“She’s dead. She’s gone. Our little...she’s gone.” 

A tear wound down Ava’s cheek. There was a sharp slice down the centre of her breast bone. 

“I’m sorry you’re upset like this, Ava. It really kills me. It’s just that, now’s not a good time.” 

“Is that...a baby?” 

She imagined Will looking over his shoulder and then back. Checking. He was always double-checking. 

“I was going to tell you. I really was…”

“Well, congratulations.” Her mouth tasted like sour orange peel. She could hear a woman in the background. “It’s a girl?”

“Yes, she is.” 

“Let me guess…” Ava said, feeling as though she had the top trump card. 

“I’m not replacing her. It’s ‘ie’ at the end.”

“Right.” 

Ava had the sense that Brady had been watching her the whole time but when he came in, he pretended not to notice.

“Keys,” she announced. “Thanks for the drink but I’m taking off.” She pointed with her thumb behind her as though she could have easily caught a bus. 

Brady stood and towered over her. “Sit,” he said. It was neither patronising nor commanding. Her bottom fell into the seat. “Just have a drink. I’ll drive you. You’re mad finding someone on foot in this weather.” 

She blew on her hot chocolate and took a sip. “Thanks,” she mumbled. 

“And I’ve ordered the house special. So I hope you’re hungry.”

“It’s nearly eleven.” 

He flashed a smile. “You ok?” 

She nodded. 

“I can sleep on the sofa, you know.”

Ava took another sip. “Oh, don’t worry about it.”

“I’m serious.” 

She said nothing. Brady leaned back and rubbed his palms on his trousers. He leant forward on the table and then back, his eyes darting around the room.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said, pursing his lips together. “Given everything, I know now’s not the best time. I found some things when I was going around the house. I tripped through a floorboard. I didn’t know it was loose.”

Ava looked back at her drinking. She wasn’t in the mood for idle chitchat. 

“I found something that I think belongs to you. I didn’t open it, the bag was already open. They looked like children’s toys.”

Ava looked up and found her voice. “What toys?”

“Oh, I don’t know, like lots of different bits. Ducks of some kind.” 

“Parakeets.” 

“I didn’t look that closely.” 

“The parakeets. That was Ruby’s thing. The parakeets.”