Anxiety and Me Loving

“What did I do now?”

I hate seeing you get angry. We’ve been doing so well. I was listening and you were breathing, but now you’re looking at me like that.

“Please talk to me.”

Breath.

It reminds me of how mad my father used to get. How he must still get frustrated.

You’re mad, because of what I said? What did I say? I don’t remember.

Did I call you clingy?

Breath.

You do coddle me a lot but I’m strong. I promise that I’m strong. Please babying me. Let me show you I can do things.

“Stop yelling at me!”

Don’t start. Don’t start crying.

Why is he yelling at me? Please don’t yell like my dad.

My dad once told me, “I know you love me but mijo, you don’t know how to love someone.” 

I feel tired and dirty. Last night I had a dream about my ex. In another, a fight with my stepmom. Another, the pandemic. Waking up tired and afraid isn’t new to me. Even when I don’t dream I wake up the same. It’s something that never goes away.

Breathing.

You’re angry and I feel that I need to help you. I need to calm you down.

I should hug him.

I feel safe in your arms. You keep me warm. But the anxiety I face has nothing to do with you at all. You can do everything you can for me, but it won’t go away. I know I’m okay, and I don’t understand why this aching won’t leave me.

Please don’t leave.

Why am I going to cry?

Breathe.

I’m scared of being alone. This ugly room is so bright. I wanted it to look bright. But it’s so lonely in here. Don’t leave me in here by myself.

I’m afraid of something. I don’t know what, but I’m afraid. It’s not just being alone. It’s not just about me being like my Mommy.

I need to breathe. I’m being irrational. Everything is going to be okay.

Smile. Breathe and smile.

It’s like your fear of mice running along the kitchen floor. It’s those maggots you felt squirming on your hands and arms. It’s your heart suffocating because you’re asthmatic and ran in the cold.

It’s not being heard and not knowing what to say. It’s trying to tell the truth, but throwing up a white lie. And why lie? I don’t know.

I can’t breathe.

It’s how cold and alone I am even when you’re a shoulder away. It’s whyI make you lay in the center of the bed so you’re not that far. Because if my body chooses between falling off or letting you pull me close to you, I know what I’d choose.

Can we take a walk outside? I like the sun and how it looks on your face. Take your hat off and let your hair fall. Your emo-boy hair is so cute. You don’t need to cut it.

Breathe...

You don’t need to shout right not. Maybe you could talk louder in general so I can hear. You and both know I’m not good at listening. 

Can you hold my hand softly when we’re walking? The streets that we walk hand-in-hand on are the ones I once walked at night alone looking to not feel so lonely. There many faces I begged for comfort are the ones I hoped to never see again. If they see you next to me I know I’m safer than when I’m outside again in the cold. Don’t hold my hand too tight. Let me squeeze yours when I’m scared.

Can I hold your hand? I want to hold your hand.

Let’s stay in bed, because you want to. I’m afraid of the outside just like you are.  Maybe it’s best here. Let’s binge Netflix. The pandemic just started. We’re stocked up with snacks and stuff.

Let’s be lazy, because we have time. Let me be lazy in the morning so you can hold me. Fall asleep so I can make breakfast for you. If you’re happy I'm alright with being tired.

My father believes in God and hard work. He says that we should all blame ourselves for our failures since we’re the master of our destinies. If we succeed and make millions it’s God who wished it for us, but If we get hurt or worse - and believe me there’s worse - it’s on us.

Was it on me that it happened.

Why am I thinking about all this? Breathe!

Pay attention. Don’t freak out.

No! You’re crying. I hate seeing you cry. No, don't talk like that. Please be mad at me. Please yell at me. Be angry. 

Let me hug you. Please let me hold you. You’re my baby, my beautiful boyfriend. Please turn your face back. Baby please don’t turn away.

Not breathing!

Why’d you slap my hand away? It hurts... but I don’t care. 

Don’t cry. Breathe!

Don’t hit your head on the headboard. Don’t hurt your pretty head. My boyfriend's memories are there.

Hurt me instead. You don’t want to hurt me, but I feel the pain I’m your head. 

Unclench your hands. Please look at me amor.

Is this my failure? Why did I make you angry?

We breathe.

“You weren’t angry? I thought you were.”

Again, I assumed and you don’t like that. I’m sorry. I’m the one that always fucks up.

Now he’s mad...

Don’t assume he’s angry, that makes him mad. Why do I keep forgetting?

Breathing.

No, don’t be angry. It’s my fault. I’m bad.

Why are we fighting? I don’t remember.

I'm thinking about the awful fight I had with my Mommy years ago. I’m thinking about you being mad she called when we were out so we could buy something unnecessary so she can cook when there’s food already. I’m thinking about you and what I’d be doing if you weren’t here with me.

Im remembering not being suicidal but wondering why I shouldn't walk off the roof when I’m working with my dad. Those offices aren’t that high. It’s still scary up there…

Breathe. I’m shaking. Please hug me.

We both have issues, but let me blame myself. I’m the bad one. 

“You don’t stand up for yourself!” You’re shouting…

That’s what we were fighting about? Please... how can I?

Please, breathe with me.

Yes, I have issues with my father. Yes, I need his approval. But I need yours too. 

Maybe my father is right. I don’t know how to love.

And it’s not you I can’t love, it’s ME I can’t love.

Nothing in my head makes sense.

And it hurts to breathe..