Withering High, June 11, 2024, vol. 73

LOCAL SUBSTITUTE CONTINUALLY FAILS TO MAKE TEA

Her limp hair and gnarled face won't distract you from the fact that she has no idea how to use our 20th century vintage electric kettle furbished by some ole teacher of yesteryore. Ms. Harring, who shuffles in leisurely 19 minutes past the first bell every morning while gargling loudly into her speaker'd phone between slurps of syrupy iced decaf tea, has the nerve, the complete oblivion, the gall to walk into subsequent rooms asking for a teacher to come help her instead of struggling to take attendance while masking their contempt for the school.

Miss Xendy, hearing the hallway door slams, will of course rush forward, eager to please and reward herself with a job well done, too self-assured that the world has yet something to offer her. Charmingly sad of course, another shiny gear soon to disintegrate into the $40-50k salary churn em and burn em teacher to corporate drone pipeline.

Mr. Lahfton, gets up, snorts the remaining phlegm up from last night's solitary boozy cig stupor, and swallows it down with all the memories of hope Ms. Xendy briefly stirs as she prances off with the old pastured cow. He retreats past the jamb of the teacher's lounge into the depths of his history classroom where he can safely read aloud the same patterns of dysfunction at some dinged out students from dingy textbooks.

Mr. Crewding will scamper in, flustered that the paper shortage commenced with autumnal leaf fall and in the frozen February remains unresolved, shredding his self-esteem to bits for failing to print double sided once more. His eternal shortcomings flit behind his eyes with each passing gleam of the neon green scanning wand. He'll quietly close the printer cover, hypnotized by his own futility and wander back to the reckless room of the twenty seven he has not yet abandoned.

Unaware of the wilting around her, Ms. Xendy will carefully remind Ms. Harring to fully close the kettle lid, and to attend to it so that another fire remains unstarted. Ms. Harring will then sweetly thank Miss Xendy as she rushes off to finish her lesson planning, all the while mentally commenting on her garish outfit as a proxy of her personality: "much too much." She'll then alternate between the hot and cold sensations of iced and hot tea, her one sensual thrill the doctor will permit. She'll slowly pick up the school's internal phone, dial 0, ho hum and pronounce- "I have arrived." A few nods and a performative chuckle before she gathers her four bags and shuffles off to bore some students into defeated discipline, all the while ignoring the pile of used tissues she shed, the pool of water she released, and the emotional scar she branded into us as the harbinger of our collective futures.

Fondly,

Ms. Creatine

Withering High Columnist

TEEN GIRL'S LIFE CHOICES REVEALED IN MIRROR

She really should have known better, you know, not to keep her phone near her brain while she "slept". Did you see those bags?! They're more defined than her abs...what a pathetic blunder of a human. Her brain is clearly ugly-look how uninspired her posture is!! It's like the soggy ramen noodles she overate last night -oh my god, it is isn't it!- all alone with her insipid shows about love.

Love! PAH! As if she'd going to get any of that!! At least definitely not any time soon, not with that hair tie. Her wobbly ways keep her under the current of anything fresh cos she insists on wearing the same clothes since middle school - a weird misunderstanding of "aspirational sizing," don't you think? GIRL put Pooh Bear away, he's only hot when you're like 25 and trying to get some last minute daddy money while you still can. If that's the aspiration, do some squats at least.

Oh my god, is she trying to smile? What is that.... is that....is she being cute? Blurgahgkjh.....go back to Lucifer, hunny, he's missing a demon. Look, we can't all be stars, maybe just be happy being a lump? It'll be easier for you, you know. It's like what Ms. Creatine says- manage your expectations, no?

We can mold you, you know. But it requires discipline, which we haven't seen much of yet (though we have a seen a few busted zippers). Do you think you would be happier in the background of photos from now on sweetie? What if we, like, make you a pillow! You know your permanent lap pillow, that's like just a bit fluffy, y'know for your supposed "sensory issues," and like big, like, well you! We think you'll be more comfortable and less noticeable, which is what we all want anyway.

I'm sure your mother loves you, even if she is a little disappointed. But hey, at least she doesn't have to live vicariously through you, so that's a blessing, no?!

All in all, an attempt was made. Maybe it's time you let go, stop trying, and succumb.

xoxo

The Coventry

BREAKING NEWS: YOUTH BRINGS SPORK TO SCHOOL

Local youth threatens peers and staff's mental safety with unconventional utensil. Claims it is "more effective" and "space saving." Security guard mystified. Principal alarmed. Novelty disrupts. Stay tuned for more details as we follow this situation closely.

-GROUND HERO TEAM

If you wish to submit to Withering High, consider dropping out first. It might be more worth your time to just give up, and will also save us all from the second hand embarrassment of having to hear what you think. If you're still insisting, question it, and then send us your least vapid anecdote at nevermindtheknees@aol.com and we'll consider rewriting it for a small fee of $75, plus tax. We don't get funded, and we're more than sure that Ms. Creatine is going to leave to "be an artist" so we want to get her like a mug or something. DISCLAIMER: No wants to be here either.

-The Blediting Team